Flirty or Friendly?

Let’s play a little game. Consider the two following COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situations and decide: is this flirty or friendly?

COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL Situation #1: You work in an office where the social circles tend to be very clique-y and keep to themselves. You’re in the cafeteria, helping yourself to a coffee, when someone behind you says “hi”.  Since there’s other people around also getting coffee, you assume it’s meant for someone else, but after a couple seconds and hearing no reply back, you look up to see a guy staring at you. You’ve seen him around the office, but you have no idea who he is and he definitely doesn’t work in your department. There are a few traits about him that are setting off your gaydar, but you ignore them. You politely address him and silently go back to preparing your caffeine fix for the morning. Instead of doing the same, he begins to strike up a conversation about the coffee you’re making yourself and even offers you help. You tell him you’re cutting back on caffeine and that’s why you’re adding some decaf, and you can’t help but laugh a little inside when he offers you some cream. But by now, you’re also super confused, since 1) you don’t know this guy, and 2) since people rarely talk to each other outside their social circles, you start to question his intentions. While you’re contemplating this, one of his co-workers greets him, and you slip back to your desk to start your morning.      

What's New, Gumshoe?

I like rhyming.

ANYWAY, I haven’t gotten a chance to come out to my sister yet. She’s busy with final exams this week, so she’s been studying hard and is a LITTLE stressed out, so I’ve been holding off until later in the week at least, when things settle down for her. Which is fine with me frankly, it gives me some time to mentally prepare myself and think how I want to do this. Might be sort of trivial, since I might just go with the flow, but I’m one of those guys who likes to have a plan and tries to stick with it. 

I’m also supposed to be going back to counselling next week, but chances are I’m probably going to cancel the appointment. There’s been a few times where I’ve felt a little down and self-conscious, like during the weekend having to listen to my buddies and their girlfriends make plans and double dates. I’m completely jealous and wish I could be having fun with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I know it’ll happen in time. But anyway, for the most part, I’ve still been (relatively) anxiety-free and happy, so I wouldn’t really have much to talk about in counselling anyway. And besides, each time I’ve gone, I’ve come out of there thinking I need to tell more people, and that hasn’t happened yet. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of doing it, and maybe once I do, I’ll have something to talk about and I’ll need some advice. But until then (probably the new year?), I’ll manage. 

In other news, I’m supposed to hang out with my friend Britney tomorrow. She’s the one I “let go” a couple years back, and we really only hang out a few times a year now, so I’m glad that we’re taking the time to go have dinner together, maybe play some video games and chill together like we used to. Although, I’m getting the impression from her texts that things aren’t exactly going smoothly in her life right now, so I might have to put my issues aside for now and just be a pair of ears for her. I’m hoping I’m wrong and everything is okay, but I’ll see. 

Last thing: I’m super self-conscious about my taste in music. I’ll listen to just about anything, but I’m mostly a top 40’s, pop, electronic type of guy. I probably feel this way because it’s probably the gayest thing about me, so fuck it, here’s a song:

Carly Rae Jepsen’s a local, and this is her latest that’s been playing on the radio a lot recently. She’s got a bunch of “feel-good” songs that I enjoy, it's a great pick-me-up on those low days. Make sure you watch the ENTIRE video (and not just for the hot guy!), I got a bit of a laugh out of it and hopefully you will too.  =)

-Matt  

My "Coming Out" Plan

I thought this deserved its own post, so double the postings tonight. Anyway, in counselling Liz and I discussed my options for dealing with my secret. We came up with three options:

1. I keep the secret to myself and continue living my life; after all, I’m not really obligated to tell anyone, but... It’s not really an option in my mind. It’s what I’ve been doing for years, and as you can tell from this blog, this method’s gotten me to great places emotionally. 
2. Get into a relationship. I thought this was an interesting option, the justification behind it was that I find someone who I can be comfortable around because they accept me for who I am, plus he becomes a valuable support in coming out. Only problem is I’m too truthful and a little too predictable/ritualistic. I don’t like the idea of lying or telling my friends and family to “mind their own business” in order to go see any potential boyfriend, because they’ll know something’s up. It’s easier for them just to know. So it’s really just down to my last option: 
3. Come out to friends and family...which is what I’ve been struggling to do all along.  Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I’ve been making it such a big deal in my head. Liz suggested to just slip it into conversation, which at first seemed like no easy feat. I mean, I’ve lied, faked, gone to counselling and written an anonymous blog over this secret, how am I supposed to not make it a big deal? And then Liz told me how one morning she was making breakfast with her brother, and when she asked who he was out with the night before, he replied “my boyfriend”.

“It’s as easy as that, Matt. You don’t have to make a huge, dramatic speech. People feel as if they have to react to that. Just make it as if it’s a new fact they’re learning about you, and I guarantee it won’t be nearly as big a deal as you think it is.”  

I know she’s right, nobody’s really going to be disappointed or scared or upset. Now it’s just a matter of sucking up my fears and going for it. And I may just have to try what she suggested, because really, what do I have to lose doing it that way? 

So then I had to decide who I wanted to tell next. At first it was still going to be Brian, but I started to voice my concerns over telling him: since he became an apprentice, he’s developed this “tradesman attitude” which includes a lot of homophobic remarks. He’s my best buddy and I’d love to tell him, but he makes it so difficult sometimes when he says things like “What are you, a homo?”. So then I considered my sister as a backup, and I’m really not sure why I didn’t sooner. I have a lot less to lose: she’s my sister, and she’ll always accept me as her brother, unlike Brian who could *potentially* (but highly unlikely) drop me as a friend. She’s also pretty open-minded and liberal, a bit of an activist for gender equality and gay rights. I feel really silly now writing everything out that I didn’t consider going to her first before, but I still haven’t told anyone yet, so there’s still time to make right on that. Hopefully sometime this week maybe...?  =)

-Matt

No New Conclusions

Okay, time to play some catch up. I went back to counselling last week, and I’ve got to say it really helped. I’m a lot less anxious, feel a lot more social and I’ve just been more at peace with myself this entire week, which is a nice change. I just feel like I have a plan on where I want to go with my coming out, my relationships and now I’m not so worried about everything. It’s odd though, because all the revelations I’ve made since then aren’t really anything new or ground breaking, they’re things I knew subconsciously, but I suppose I needed the “push” to actually fully realize it.

The most important revelation I made was that I really want(ed?) to be perfect. I want to be everything for everyone. I seem to think I need to be an expert on and have all the same interests and tastes as everyone else. Plus, I thought that any little flaw I see in myself needs fixing, and all these flaws seem to compound, so I can’t move on until everything gets fixed. Confused? Say if I wanted to be more outgoing, I should be more talkative, but being more talkative should mean I’m not obnoxious or conceited...and it goes on. And I started to realize that this is ridiculous; there are 7 billion people in the world, I’m not going to be able to please every single person, so what is the point in stressing about trying to impress and change myself for everyone? Just because I’m not big into sports, or someone else isn’t into cars, doesn’t mean we can’t get along or enjoy each other’s company. I keep reminding myself that people are going to look past my flaws and embrace the other parts of my personality, so I really don’t need to keep “fixing” things. I just really need to be myself.

I’m also starting to relax a little about the Lindsay situation. I think I mentioned I haven’t spoken to Lindsay in a while (probably about 2 months now?), but I never really mentioned why. The last time I spoke to her, I really pissed her off. Short version of what happened is I assumed that she didn’t care about me, when in reality she was busy with dealing with her own problems and I tried to force her into telling me about her problems when she clearly wasn’t comfortable or ready to share. I feel like a jerk now, but at the time I felt like she owed me to tell me all her problems since we were such great friends and I told her my biggest secrets. So because I wanted to reciprocate and be Lindsay’s shoulder to cry on, I ended up pushing her even further away by trying to pry into whatever was bothering her. And now I realize I can’t manipulate and force things out of her (and my other relationships for that matter), it just doesn’t work that way.  It still stings a little to not hear from her in so long, and part of me is afraid that she’s not coming back after the way I left things. I let Liz know this and she had this to say:

“She was in love with you, Matt. And now she’s realized that she can never have what she really wants, and that’s got to hurt. So let her go off for a while and lick her wounds, and she’ll be back.”

I hope she’s right. I suppose time will tell...

-Matt

The Official Homo Thread

Bored and got some time to spare? Then check out this thread from the offtopic section of one of the car forums I frequent:

"The Official Homo Thread"

It's a pretty candid 110+ page discussion covering everything from coming out, relationships, dating, sex...lots and lots of sex (you've been forewarned). It's a long read (it took me a few solid days to get caught up), but it's definitely interesting. The best part of it is that there's such a wide range of participants, straight and gay, from all different walks of life and experiences, and everyone's got an opinion about everything. But be the judge for yourself, and check it out.

-Matt

Busy Bee

I’ve been meaning to post about counselling last week, but there was a lot to digest and a lot of writing and re-writing going on as a result, so that’s still a work in progress. I’ve been keeping myself distracted with other things this week though.

I’ll start off with some slightly frivolous stuff. Over the weekend, I picked up my first video game in a while, Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception. I haven’t played it too much yet, but I loved the first two, quirky storylines and all. Plus, there’s something rewarding about platformers (and falling from heights and failing!). Speaking of platformers, I’m also stoked for wall-climbing this weekend with Nate and a couple of the girls we met. I might be afraid of heights, but I actually enjoy wall-climbing a lot. It’s rewarding to struggle and push yourself to keep climbing and climbing till you FINALLY manage to tap the top of the wall. Unlike Uncharted though, it’s not quite so much fun to fall and fail...

Also, I enrolled for courses for January this week, and I’m going back to school FOR REAL this time. It’s been an enlightening break, living in the “real”, working world for a few months, but I need to get back and finish my degree. For what it’s worth, I’m a sociology major, and I’ll be taking 2 courses, one of which is a sociology of info tech course (sociology of facebook, anyone?) which I’m kinda stoked for. I’m a little nervous though, because I’ll have been out of school for 7 months by the time I get back into the lecture hall and I’m hoping I haven’t lost all my study habits (like riding a bike, right?), but I’m taking it slow with 2 courses and easing myself back into things. I’m going to be filling the rest of my time volunteering and getting ready to do another work semester during the summer, so I won’t be completely bored/lazy anyway.

Lately I’ve also been looking into some of the local LGBTQ resources, just for shits and giggles. Being back on campus, I’m sort of tempted to go check out our LGBTQ centre, just to see what it’s like and how it works, and maybe meet some people face to face going through the same thing. I also found Qmunity here in Vancouver that offers, amongst other resources, a couple workshops like the coming-out group and bi support group, which sounded interesting.  Maybe in time though, I’d like to be out to a few more people before I go about attending meetings and support groups; being all deceptive about counselling is hard enough and it’d be great to talk to friends and family about what I’d actually get out of these things. But I’m glad organizations and resources like these exist though so they’re there when I’m ready. Eventually, I think it’d be really rewarding to volunteer or something with something like Qmunity and get more involved with the LGBTQ community. Maybe it’ll even help me figure myself out a bit? One step at a time though, one step at a time... 

All for now...

-Matt

"Great having a chance to talk, dude"

This week I’ve spent some time mending relationships by hanging out with The Guys and chatting with them on Skype during the week. It’s not that I’ve really had any bad blood between any of them, but I’ve pulled back from them in recent years. Part of it is because I’m sort of intimidated by them, they’re all pretty masculine guys who are into sports and other stereotypical “guy” things that I’m not really into, so I hold back since I don’t want to sound wimpy or stupid. Maybe I’m slowly getting better, but I realized that there’s more to them than just talking about sports and video games and put my thoughts aside and took the effort to reconnect with them.

Part of the reason I’ve been brought back together with The Guys is because of this group of girls we met a few weeks back through Danny and his girlfriend. They’re really awesome, down to earth girls who aren’t really the partying, hard drinking type, but would rather go explore the city and go on an adventure, just like us. Out of this group, there is a set of twins that our other friends are trying to set Nate and myself up with. I appreciate the gesture from my friends, but I just feel like I’m being put in that awkward position of lying and telling half-truths to pretend I’m interested in them. Well, not to say I’m not into them, but I’m just not into them in THAT way. They make really cool friends, which is great, but I’m not sure if they want me in that group as something more. Nate’s been seeing his twin, and I’m not sure if the two of them keep inviting me out with them to set me up with the other twin/as a double date or whether they just like me as a friend whose personality and values match theirs. I mean, the four of us did go out Saturday night with a bunch of our friends to a bar, but then today it was just the twins, Nate and I going kayaking (??). It’s just a little unsettling for me because I don’t want to lead anybody on, but I really don’t know what to do to figure out my role in the group, other than to come out to them, which isn’t going to happen just yet.

I let her get away

Lately my mood’s been pretty good, a little up and down, but decent. Despite that, I still made an appointment to go see my counsellor Liz next week. Now that the intake is over, I’m sort of curious and excited to really get down and try to figure out the root causes of all my insecurities and self-confidence issues. I don’t even know where I’m going to start, but as long as some good comes out of it, I’m still pumped. Part of me is still a little wary going into it though; I suppose it’s the fear of the unknown of what she’ll say or recommend, but fuck it, I’m going anyway.

I think I mentioned in passing that part of my anxiety of this whole counselling experience was over a friend of mine from the past. It’ll make sense in a second, but my biggest fear doing this is that I’m going to be diagnosed with depression, or passed onto a specialist for some deep digging into my problems.  Anyway, Britney and I met back in science class back in the 9^th grade. We really hit it off, we both felt really comfortable joking around with each other, we had a lot of common interests, and well...our personalities just clicked. At the highest point in our friendship, we used to talk to each other every day, had little inside jokes with each other, picked out the perfect Christmas gifts for each other and did stupid things like sing at the top of our lungs in the car along with each other. Now, I swear I’m not making this up, but like Lindsay, she had feelings for me that she made apparent a couple times throughout our friendship. And like Lindsay, thinking back on it now, I had (still have?) feelings for her too and I really should have gone for it, but there was a *little* secret, that I disguised in the “I like being friends” excuse that held me back. We eventually got past all that though, and always became best friends again. 

Here Goes Nothing

Yesterday I ended up meeting with a counsellor at school for an intake appointment. Yes, that’s right...I actually went through it, and it was interesting to say the least. Anyway, this appointment was supposed to be a sort of evaluation session to figure out what kinds of issues I’m having, what type of counselling would work best for me, what I wanted to get out of this and establish that patient-counsellor relationship, amongst other things. 

I started and left work early to make it on time to the health clinic on campus. It was a tiny office that you had to ring into, in order to protect patient confidentiality, which was sort of comforting. What wasn’t so comforting was all the paperwork I had to fill out upon arriving there. Most of it was pretty general: allergies, medications you’re taking, family medical history, etc...but once it started asking questions like, “Have you or anyone in your family been diagnosed with depression?” or “How often do you have thoughts of suicide?” or “When was the last time you considered harming others?”  or warning me that “the clinic must take reasonable action if they suspect that there is a potential for you to hurt yourself or others”, it got a little intimidating. I asked myself a couple times if I was actually going to do this. I didn’t want to be looked at as depressed or suicidal or have the cops called on me by doing this, but I still carried on with the questionnaire anyway. Even more intimidating were the questions asking what issues I hoped to resolve. I couldn’t help feeling just a little pathetic writing down that I was having trouble maintaining my relationships and interacting with people. And it’s still a little unsettling that somewhere out there, there’s a record from myself in writing, which tons of medical professionals have access to, stating that I might be gay. 

Trying to move out of the comfort zone

Just a quick couple of things that have happened recently:

I had a conversation with Lindsay last week that made me come to the realization that I should probably go see a counsellor. I need to talk to someone who can be non-judgemental and who can give me objective advice in identifying and dealing with my problems. I’m still a little apprehensive about it; I got to thinking about what counselling says about me and what the outcomes of it will be. My biggest fear is that I end up being diagnosed with depression or GAD or something. I had one friend who I was very close with that had depression and it was very taxing on me and my friends that knew her. I made a huge mistake letting that relationship lapse, but that’s another story. I’m worried that being diagnosed with depression or the like is just going to stir up bad memories for my friends and I don’t want to have to put them through what I went through dealing with my friend. I’m also a little stressed out at having to lie about seeing a counsellor to my parents. I’m not usually out on weekday nights after work, so it might seem a little suspicious if I start going out all of a sudden. And if even if I tell them I’m going to go see a counsellor, they’ll want to know why, which will be tricky to handle. Despite all these worries, I think I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway. For one, I just keep reminding myself that if I feel this doesn’t work, I don’t have to keep going. I’m not being forced to do this, but I’m choosing to do this because I’m finding myself making a lot of assumptions on what people are thinking, and it’s not usually positive, so I need some help changing those thought processes. I’m planning to make an appointment this week, so I’ll keep you updated on that.

In other news, I spent this weekend trying to impress girls. No, really...my buddy Danny’s been seeing this one girl, so they both invited a bunch of their friends (his friends mostly single guys, hers single girls...hmmm...) out to a pub for some live music Friday. The music kind of sucked, so a bunch of us ended up just talking and we all really hit it off as a group. So much so, we ended up going hiking as a group today, and Danny, Nate and I took it as an opportunity to show off our feathers and be all gentlemen-ly (“Hey, do you want me to carry your bag up the mountain?! It’s not a problem...). I’m totally lost as to why I went along with this, maybe it was machismo speaking and I wanted to one-up my buddies,  or maybe it was a way to be more open and expressive about myself in an appropriate situation (how else are you supposed to impress girls without talking about yourself?!). Regardless, they’re a pretty chill bunch of people and it was a fun weekend, so there are plans in the works to hang out again next weekend. Not sure what I’m looking to get out of this, but at the very least I’ll get some cool new friends out of it.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I haven’t had any random car content for a while, and I'm sad the Mazda RX-8's going out of production, so...

A True "New Beginning"

A week ago today I woke up thinking “what the hell did I do last night??” And now, one week later, I’m sitting here thinking the exact same thing about the last seven days. I’m completely drained, both physically and mentally, plus I’m starting to realize I still have plenty of issues to address: Lindsay, wondering if my parents and sister have noticed my strange behaviour this week, completely unsure of where my emotions are going next, wondering if I’ll ever figure my sexuality out, amongst other things.

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I swear I’ve talked more in the last seven days than I have my entire lifetime. I’ve told secrets and feelings that I’ve never told anyone, and to hear what I’m thinking isn’t crazy, or just hearing that my negative thoughts are normal and will slowly disappear as I confront my issues has made me more confident, less stressed and less paranoid. 

Like today, I met up with my best buddy Brian to do some shopping. I’ve always been really paranoid every time we went out just the two of us, wondering if we look like a “couple” and not wanting to pry into his personal life, just in case he did the same to me and my secret slipped out. But today, I asked him every question I thought of, made tons of jokes, said just about anything and everything, and yet he didn’t look at me weird or act all awkward like he knew my secret. And that’s what I need right now, to talk and get confirmation that the crazy assumptions I’m making about what others are thinking aren’t true. It’s even better because lately I feel as if we haven’t been close and haven’t talked to each other a whole ton, but today both of us didn’t shut up for a minute, we talked the entire three and a half hours we hung out. And that’s great, because I really want to have a great relationship with Brian, we have so much history as friends and I always thought he’d be one of first to know my secret, so at the very least, he’ll probably be the next to know.

I started to worry this week that I would never be able to talk/blog about any positive experiences at any sort of length, and that every post and conversation was going to be just a complete bitch-fest about how awful my problems are and how terrible they make me feel inside. But here I am, an entire blog post in, and it’s all about how great my day’s been so far. And although I still have a lot of work to do, that gives me a lot of hope for myself in the future.  

And a special thank you to everyone who has supported me and this blog. I can’t begin to describe how hearing your words of encouragement, stories and personal experiences have given me the strength and reassurance, much like talking to my friends and family has this week. I’d love to pay it forward by talking/listening/helping my fellow bloggers, so don’t be afraid to drop me an email (tangerine995@gmail.com) or add me on google. I'm here for you guys just as much as you are for me.

-Matt

Lindsay's Letter

I’ve been struggling the last few days whether or not to post this up, but I think I need to because I am just at a complete loss at how to deal with this. 

Before I left dropping Lindsay off at her place on Sunday, she handed me a letter to read when I was alone. This is what it said:

 

Dear Matt,

It’s weird for me to be writing you a letter when not 30 minutes ago that you dropped me off. I don’t know if or when I’ll send you this letter. Maybe you’ll never see this letter and I’m just venting here. Not sure if you remember, but today is, or was, the day you told me about all the cans of worms that you have been guarding. Honestly, when you told me that you might like guys and I just started crying, I have no idea why...or maybe I do...not sure. I guess it just felt like my heart was breaking because either:

1. I still like you “that” way in a small part of me, OR
2. I began to harbour feelings for you again without me knowing/realizing...who knows right?

I mean, I still don’t know. Maybe that as I’m still writing this letter, I’m still in shock because my mind is still blank and I’m still rambling. For one second right now, I think to myself, “Has or will Matt like me “that” way?” But at the same time, I find myself foolish for thinking this and writing it down. It’s been forever since I wrote in my diary and I guess this is one way to help me digest. This is my first and maybe not my last letter, who knows right? But in the end just know this – I accept you and I still love you as you are.

With love,

Lindsay

She Gets It (Part 2)

I felt great about coming out last night, but after today, I’m a little more melancholy with the whole situation. When I picked Lindsay up this morning, you could sense a little awkwardness in the air. We acted like nothing happened, made small talk and I dropped her off at school.

It was still like this when I picked her up again later in the afternoon. It wasn’t till I parked the car and we tried to discuss things again that the mood changed. It was different from last night, Lindsay seemed a lot more annoyed and angry at me as we discussed why I had dropped that bombshell on her last night. Neither of us knew how to feel, or what to say. She wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how, she didn’t understand how I felt and blamed herself for contributing to me having to lie to her. I couldn’t even begin to tell her how I felt either... I didn’t even know, and I told her that I’ve gotten too good at lying and suppressing my emotions, so how could I tell her what I was feeling?

The Biggest Can of Worms (Part 1)

Every out-gay guy has one...a coming out story. I wrote mine over two posts, this post (Part 1), tells what happened last night (Sept. 24th) and Part 2 tells today’s (Sept. 25th) follow-up.

Honestly, the days leading up to last night, the 24th of September, were just absolute hell. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where thoughts of suicide were ever stronger. Here’s a list of problems (which I owe to myself to delve into deeper later) that compounded into a depression that made me feel alone, angry, sad and everything in between:

- Lack of communication between The Guys
- Lack of communication between my dad
- General lack of communication (seeing a trend here...)
- My educational and career future
- Kenny’s moving away
- Ill grandparents
- And of course, the big secret.

I just couldn’t stand it anymore, so I called the only person I thought I ask to go for coffee and get some of the burden off my chest. Lindsay was pretty busy with other things, but I was pretty pushy and desperate, so she accepted anyway. We started talking about the usual stuff, school, and then work. That lead to me venting my feelings about what’s going on with my job and me returning to school, and Lindsay quickly picked up that there was a reason why I was so pushy and insistent about going for coffee. So she listened, comforted me and offered advice as I vented about each of the problems above (except for the big one of course), referring to each as “a can of worms”.

It's official...

...I outed myself, and even though I'm still in shock and a little numb that I did it, I'm feeling pretty good.

Lindsay and I ended up having coffee tonight, and I just let everything on my mind loose. When it came to revealing my biggest secret, it didn't go exactly as planned (she got a little upset, long story), but it worked out and I basically covered all my feelings that I've put out here on my blog (and some I haven't, but I will get to those!)

Anyway, I've got most of my thoughts about tonight down, but I'll be writing more tomorrow since I'm exhausted and really need to get to bed. And since I kinda messed with Lindsay's plans tonight (she had things to do and she has to get up early), I'll be driving her to a class in the morning and we'll probably be talking in the car, and during the day again, so I got that too..

=)

_{I really do feel on top of the world right now...}

Good Company

Part of the reason I decided to try and keep this blog going was because I really don’t have any other outlet to get all these thoughts and feelings out without out-ing myself to my friends. I’m not comfortable enough doing that just yet, plus I’m just not convinced that they would be able to comprehend the fears, neurosis and insecurities. Again, maybe I’m not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but at least this way, I know I can get thoughts about being confused off my chest without being judged or having to deal with the consequences (talking about it, losing their friendship, etc) of my friends knowing my secret. Brave of me, I know.  

I wish I had that courage though. The closest gay friend I have is Derek, who I met through Brian back in high school. He’s an awesome guy to be around, I love how he’s so optimistic and cheerful about everything and likes to dream big. Anyway, he’s been out for a few years now (since the end of high school?) and I would say he leans towards the feminine side of the scale. Part of me is sort of eager to talk to him all about what I’ve been going through, what’s in my head, what’s on this blog, hell even just having someone to talk guys with would be cool!

Take Two

Hey guys,

I took a little break from blogging just to reevaluate what I wanted to do here. A lot of the time I wasn't sure what to put here, or how it was going to help me. I've realized that I've got this irrational idea in my head that talking about myself makes me conceited and that my problems and thoughts aren't important, so I keep things to myself. Crazy, right? It's ridiculous, but even with the anonymity of the internet, I kind of cared what I was putting out there and how that might be interpreted, so I found myself censoring some of what I wrote. It might be in part because I was worried about somebody finding me out or maybe it's just because in my crazy mind I didn't want to come off as egotistical. But anyway, with that being said, I'm going to keep at it and give it another shot.

So what's been going on the last month with me?

So I got to redeem myself...

Now, you might remember this post.

Anyway, this past Friday was a pretty slack day at work...all the bosses were on vacation, we're all caught up on our work for the month and of course, it was the weekend! So it wasn't really any surprise when Angela popped her head into my cubicle to have a little chit chat and waste the afternoon away.

Being Friday, we got to discussing our plans for the weekend...innocent enough. Angela asked me if I ever go clubbing, which I don't (not my thing), and she nodded slowly at my answer and told me I was a "good boy" =P. We got on to talking about how crazy people at clubs can get, and somehow, that got her onto telling me about an incident that had happened that morning.

"Well, you know, this morning, I saw this one guy I always see in the cafeteria...he's.. you know..." she started. At first it didn't click what the hell she was talking about, but as the conversation went on, it was clear we'd be having another frank conversation.

"If my kids were gay, I would just..."

I feel as if I'm pretty fortunate in terms of acceptance of gays: my friends, family and acquaintances are all fairly liberal and educated and I live in a fairly liberal part of the country where there's a whole mix of people from different walks of life, so I feel as if most people I encounter are fairly tolerant of diversity. Well, today I got my first real dose of homophobia, something that wasn't just my buddies fooling around and being stupid. This was serious, brutally honest opposition to homosexuality that I haven't really experienced before and I'm still a little shocked and shook up writing about it.

I have a partner who I share my duties with, Angela, at my summer job. She's a little middle aged Korean lady who really is the sweetest thing ever: she's always looking out for me, taking over tasks from me so I don't have to work so much, offering me snacks and coffee throughout the day, keeping me company and opening up all the office social circles for me. We chat a lot with each other since her desk is next to mine, often with her giving me good life advice. She kind of reminds me of some of my aunts or my grandmother, motherly, yet very affectionate and respectful. She's a funny character and her warmth and kindness makes me smile whenever I'm around her.

What's up, buttercup?

Nothing too crazy going on in my life right now, but in the interest of opening myself up more, I thought I’d try and mention some of the small, random going-ons with me.

1) The parental units...are on vacation for a week, without me and my sister naturally. It’s going to be really weird, since my dad normally works from home and my mom is “semi-retired”, so there’s always someone around the house. I’m sort of “excited” having to fend for myself...I’ve lived with my parents all my life and I guess I’m spoiled in the sense that my mom feels obligated to do the cooking and cleaning being at home all the time, so I don’t ever have to worry about that. I just want to prove to myself that I’m perfectly capable on my own and not completely reliant on my parents for everything. Probably sounds crazy to any of you living on your own, but I guess the grass is always greener.

2) Brian and Nate know 5 gays amongst the two of them – No, wait...scratch that. One is a mutual friend between all of us. So technically 4, excluding myself of course. It doesn’t really surprise me, but hearing that was sort of a reality check for me...it’s not going to be easy for them, or for me dealing with this whole bi thing. There’s going to be a lot of questions, a lot of things they probably won’t understand, at least I think. It’s just another one of those things that’s freaking me out a little and I’d rather not have to deal with it, but we’ll see about that. In the end though, they’re still my buddies, so I think everything will be alright, but not without some little bumps along the way.

3) Old crushes – It’s kind of funny, I start blogging about how I like guys and how that’s played with my head, and then I see two old (female) crushes I haven’t seen since high school within a week. I saw one on the bus, but was too shy (and frankly, embarrassed) to say anything. I’m pretty sure my feelings were known to her, and well, things didn’t work out, whatever the situation was. C’est la vie. The other is actually good friends with Danny, and I said a quick hi to her at Danny’s birthday party that she was hosting. She’s a little bit different than I last remember her (a little more party-girl), but still cool to see her nonetheless. Both are still pretty cute, though...bloody “straight-ish” guy mind.

4) Time and weather – Summer must have forgotten about Vancouver...while the rest of North America is stuck in a proverbial heat wave, I think we’ve been lucky to get MAYBE 2 or 3 actual, bright, sunny days this month. That means not nearly as much hiking and volleyball-playing as I would have liked so far, but what can you do? I also registered for classes last week, just another sign summer’s slowly coming to an end. On the other hand, I always like going back to school in the fall: I’m all refreshed from the summer break, all ready to learn (such a nerd) and it’s a fun atmosphere with all the excited first-year students around and welcoming events going on.

5) I wish I had a Golf R to drift around in :( (Thanks Insideline!)

And yeah, that’s about it. Got another long weekend ahead of me (yay BC Day), so free time to blog, get outside, eat, hang out with friends...it's gonna be sweet.

-Matt

"Use Your Words, Dammit!"

My sister Diana was the one that said that to me once when I was using one word answers and being vague in answering how my day went. Granted, I’ve never been a great communicator, but sometimes it’s more than that.

Lately I’ve just felt like a robot, like I’m just operating in life without any sort of thought or emotion about anything that’s going on around me. I seriously don’t know what I’m feeling some days; it’s as if there’s nothing there, like my whole mind is just numb. I couldn’t express what I’m feeling even if I wanted to because I don’t really care or have a thought about anything, and this makes it really difficult to talk with people.

Missed Connections

Let’s not kid ourselves here. We’ve all people watched before: you’re in a public place for whatever reason with lots of people around when curiosity gets the better of you, so you check out what other people are doing, what they’re wearing, eavesdropping, trying to scope out the hotties, etc. Ever since I started taking transit to work, I’m completely guilty of this; it’s a long commute with little to do other than listen to music, so my eye is wandering onto what’s going on with all the other commuters and silently trying to be all up in their shit.

I definitely feel kinda creepy and stalkerish after admitting that, but Craigslist’s “Missed Connections” section proves that I’m definitely not the only one doing this. For those not in the know, the Missed Connections section is basically a place where people can anonymously express their attraction and/or feelings to others they were too shy/scared/nervous to try and make contact in hopes of making good on that lost opportunity.

Anyone miss me?

So I started a new summer job last week with a financial services company doing data entry, filing, miscellaneous paper pushing in addition to my part-time job on the weekends =). I like it so far, I like dealing with figures and money (how exciting, right?), it’s a nice change from the mostly retail/entry level jobs I’ve worked up until now and, it’s kind of silly, but I get my very own little cubicle complete with computer and printer! Only downsides are that the work is kind of repetitive and the commute is killer (living in the 'burbs SUCKS), so between friends, family and work I don't have as much time to do other things (like update this blog) as I like.

But, I'm off for the Canada Day long weekend, and some things have crossed my mind this week, so I'll be getting that off my chest sometime in the coming days.

For now, enjoy this Ford F-150 SVT Raptor! So much win.

Thoughts on being bisexual

Coming out has crossed my mind more and more lately. It would make it a hell of a lot easier just to talk to my friends and family, and then maybe I can be comfortable in my own skin, move on with my life and stop worrying and freaking out so much. I’ve got an idea of how I would want to do it in my head: ideally, I’d like to tell both Lindsay and Brian first, since we go out the three of us for dinner a lot of the time and then head back to Lindsay’s place to have some pretty deep conversation, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to slip it in then (I hope). But there’s still a few things that are holding me back, things that I’m still coming to grips with being bi, gay or whatever it is.

Not to devalue the experiences of gays, but I think there’s a lot of additional challenges bisexuals face in society. There’s a lot of stigma about being a slut and switching teams; it’s like a general opinion that you can’t decide on one or the other and I think that manifests into a general distrust in bisexuals. Honestly, right now, I would even take being 100% gay over being bi. Being gay is so much more black/white than being bi; you come to terms with being gay, come out, date guys, there’s no real question about where you stand in your sexuality. Being bi though, not only do you have to deal with who you are and coming out, but once you’re ready to date, things don’t get easier. Those assumptions made about your sexuality seem to make relationships and sex a whole lot more complicated.

For example, I think about how the whole dating thing is going to go as a bisexual. I worry about how being a bisexual would alter the trust in the relationship. Guy or girl, would they be okay knowing that I’m attracted to someone of the opposite sex? Would they believe that I would cheat and switch teams at the drop of a hat just because I’m bi? On the one hand, how is being attracted to either guys or girls any different from a straight guy checking out other girls at the beach, or for that matter, a gay guy checking other guys out? Instead, it’s just someone of the same and/or opposite sex...the same general principles are there, attractive people are attractive, so they catch your eye. But that doesn’t mean that I would look anymore into it, much like any straight guy wouldn’t automatically dump his girlfriend for the cute waitress that’s serving his date. I’d like to think I have more respect for myself and stronger morals than that as to hurt someone I was truly in love with for some meaningless physical desire.

And were I to date a guy, I also wouldn’t want people to come up to me and say, “oh, so you’re gay now?” because that simply isn’t true. But even so, in society, when people see two guys together, I’ll bet their first thought isn’t “awww, doesn’t the bisexual look cute with him?” To be wrongly stigmatized like that is just frustrating, because I know have that interest in women, but at the same time, I definitely wouldn’t reject a relationship with a guy either, so why is it assumed that I’m only interested in guys if I’m seen dating one? And what if a girl who was into me saw me lay lips on a guy and makes the same assumption? It shouldn’t mean that I’m totally off limits to her, and I don’t want her to feel as if she has no chance with me, but it certainly comes across that way and it feels like there’s little I can do to help that, so what’s a bi guy to do?

Even if I were to date somebody, I wonder when it would be appropriate to tell them. Honesty is the best policy, sure, but would being bi scare off any potential boyfriend/girlfriend if I told them at the beginning of the relationship? At the same though, lying about it until later in the relationship doesn’t seem fair, in a sense that’s leading them on, and maybe having a bisexual boyfriend isn’t something they want to deal with. You know, I say I’ve got this general feeling about what people think of bisexuals, but maybe I really have no clue. Maybe I’m not giving people enough credit and they’re actually more accepting of bisexuals than I think they are, or maybe I’m just fooling myself saying that.



With that being said, I need your help to set the record straight (no pun intended) and be honest: how would you feel about dating a bisexual? Would their bisexuality bother you, and why or why not?




-Matt

Go Canucks Go!

Such an epic weekend...don’t think I’ve had that much fun in a long time. On Saturday, Brian’s girlfriend threw him a surprise party for his birthday that’s coming up. We had a nice dinner out at a restaurant downtown with his closest friends (we’re all fairly close to each other, so we were all comfortable with each other and had a good time) then headed out to the night market out in Richmond just take a look around at what all the little stalls had to sell. And on Friday, Brian, Nate, Iris and I played “truth or dare” card games (even though it ended up all truths) where the winner would ask an embarrassing/personal question and the loser would have to answer (questions ranged from “who was your last crush” to “your favourite porn habits”). So funny, I loosened up a little and gave away some of my dirty little secrets. Those guys were pretty shocked with some of my answers...I don’t think they expected such brutal honesty out of quiet, reserved little me =P. Best part of the weekend though was watching the Canucks game earlier that night with the guys and Iris...

I’ll admit it, I’m not a huge hockey fan...at all. But it’s hard not to be a bandwagon fan when the whole city, even the whole country is talking about nothing else but the Canucks. It’s so stereotypical Canadian, but hockey just stirs up that much excitement and emotion in people up here; everywhere you look, people are wearing jerseys, employers let workers off early on game nights, there are street parties all over the city, hell, the Canucks are even making national headlines. Anyway, since the rest of the guys are such huge hockey fans, Danny decided that we were going to go downtown Friday to a pub to watch game 5 of the series and join in on the festivities. At first, I was a little uneasy with the idea because 1) I hate crowds, especially DRUNK crowds and 2) I like order and structure, which definitely doesn’t get included in Danny’s haphazard planning, but I’m glad we went anyway. We never did end up at a pub because we met up down there way too late and all the pubs were full (there was something like 75,000 – 100,000 people downtown that night!), but we did join the huge street party watching the game just outside Rogers Arena where the Bruins and the Canucks were playing and it was just insane! The crowd would cheer every time we got the puck, applauded every save by Luongo, and when we won? Absolute insanity...everybody was high-fiving each other, jumping up and down, screaming and cheering, towels spinning and flags waving, just utter madness. As we were leaving the downtown core, you could hear the cheering and partying still going on in the distance, if the people hanging out cars honking and shouting “GO CANUCKS GO” didn’t drown it out.

Moments after we won...it was more chaotic than it looks!

This is only one block of the party...it went down a couple more blocks both ways from the intersection.
Tonight’s game 6 of the 7 game series, and we’re up 3 games to 2, so if we win tonight, it’ll be the first Stanley Cup Vancouver’s ever won, and this city’s going to erupt, guaranteed. Despite the game being in Boston this time, it’s going to be an even bigger party than when the Olympics were here last year for sure, that’s just how crazy hockey fans are here. I’ve got Brian and Nate coming over in a few hours to watch the game and get the barbecue fired up...should be fun!

Later guys,

-Matt

Lindsay

I’ve had way too much excitement already today. I just got a call from Brian saying he’s in the hospital after he flipped his car on the highway this morning. I talked to him briefly; he seems okay, a little groggy and dizzy, plus he doesn’t remember what happened, but he managed to text and talk to me over the phone before the doctors started examining him, so I’m hoping it’s nothing too serious. Still worried for him though. Add to that I’ve been playing telephone tag with a company I applied to and now I’m waiting for a call back to do a telephone interview, so I’m a complete wreck right now. I figured I would try and do some writing to distract me and calm my nerves.

I met Lindsay back in 8th grade when a group of us banded together to help each other with science labs and math homework and the like. She’s the closest thing I have to an older sister: she always has good, practical advice for me despite only being a month older than me, yet she still manages to be playful, bugs me and eggs me on like a sister would. She’s the only other person other than Brian that I can go to with my problems with family, school and the like. What I like about Lindsay is that she makes doing this so easy; she always seems to be so willing to listen, offer her insight and she just creates that environment of openness in the way she talks and expresses herself to me. She’s also not afraid to be blunt and straightforward in conversation, which makes it easier for me to open up (Silence, then out of the blue, “Matt, I have a question. Are you a boob or an ass type of guy?”). She’s also one of the most caring and considerate people I know; she’ll grab me a coffee before we get together sometimes, and she’ll try to transit out somewhere (she doesn’t drive) to meet me so I don’t have to drive so far and use up my gas.

There’s a couple things that bother me about Lindsay though, and it’s been causing some problems, which I’ll get to in a second. First of all, she’s very clingy and touchy-feely, often to the point where it’s uncomfortable. There was one incident at school where Lindsay pissed Danny off by hugging him and clutching his arm tightly in front of a girl he liked, and a lot of the time when we’re walking in the mall, she’ll hang off my arm or the like, so it’s seems like we’re together. Sometimes she’ll get me to call me when I get home after I drop her off, that sort of thing. She’s also very overdramatic, which tests my patience. Sometimes I’ll poke her lightly in the arm and she’ll scream (loudly, at that) and get all mad at me for a bit; I really want to tell her to calm down and get a grip sometimes, but I don’t and I’m not sure why. Lindsay’s also very flaky at times, she tends to skip group events and likes to stay home and keep to herself a lot. I’m one of the few people she goes out with, and a lot of the time it’s just the two of us.

That might be contributable to Lindsay and I both ended up attending the same local university, where only a handful of our friends ended up going, so we end up meeting each other on campus for lunch, or heading off campus for some sort of adventure. Through these lunches and adventures, we’ve gotten a lot closer. Maybe too close. Lately, we’ve gotten so close that some people seem to think we’re dating. It doesn’t help that back in the 9th grade, Lindsay confessed her feelings for me. I ended up dropping the F(riend) bomb on her, simply because I didn’t like how she interacted with her last boyfriend and because that was the beginning of my attraction to guys. She was a little embarrassed about it afterwards and we didn't talk for a while, but eventually we got past it and we've been friends ever since. Back to the present, it feels lately as if she’s sending me mixed signals. She keeps asking me about when I’m going to get a girlfriend (I tell her easier said than done.), and I mentioned I’m one of the few people she goes out with and it’s almost always just the two of us (although a close mutual friend invited us both out recently with her and her boyfriend, which makes me even MORE suspicious...). And with our history, maybe there’s still lingering feelings from 9th grade, who knows. I don’t know if it’s just her personality or if there’s something more, but it’s getting a little awkward, especially with the guys asking when something is going to happen between us two. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, and we’re just that good of friends, but either way I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I’ll be honest and say that dating Lindsay has crossed my mind, but 1) I haven’t been honest with myself about my sexuality and who I am, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to keep that secret from her, especially in a relationship. 2) As a friend, I can deal with Lindsay’s flaws, but as a boyfriend, I can see it getting pretty tiring (hell, its tiring as a friend sometimes). And 3) I don’t want to screw up what we have now; she’s one of the few people I can confide in, and if something goes wrong in the relationship (and with me as confused as I am, I think it’s likely), there’s a short list of other people I could go to. It’s just kind of an odd situation with myself and Lindsay, and I’m just not sure what to do about it right now. Eventually we’ll probably have to have a real discussion about what I’ve talked about here, but until then...?

-Matt

The Guys

FYI, I noticed that anonymous commenting was turned off, so that's been turned on. Don't be afraid to speak it out, I'd love to hear from you, get some new perspectives, etc.

Anyway, I thought I’d write something here more frequently than I have been lately, but I really haven’t felt the need or desire to; I usually only feel the need to write when things bother me or start to suck, which hasn’t happened lately. Things have been going good in life so far: the weather’s actually been decent around here with a good dose of sunshine and warmer temps, rather than being rainy and dreary like it is most of the time, so I’ve been able to do one of my favourite things and drive around with windows and sunroof open, singing and dancing (as much as you can in the driver's seat, anyway) along to the radio. It’s just so liberating to have the wind going through your hair and taking in the fresh air! (I know, my sister thinks I’m a dork too) My martial arts classes started back up too, so I’m also a little more active and energetic than I was before when I was sitting around on my lazy ass. That, and I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot more and having a ton of fun with them.

Being around them though has stirred up a lot of internal conflict and acting that I want to avoid. This weekend, for instance, a group of us went out to do some karaoke, which turned out to be a setup by my buddy Brian and his friend Iris to try and setup the rest of the guys and girls that went along. At the end of the night when he asked both my buddy Nate and I who we thought was cute, it didn’t feel natural just to shrug it off and say they weren’t my type (sort of true though, my taste in girls didn’t match with anyone there). As stupid as it sounds, I even avoided singing certain songs that I knew pretty well, like the Backstreet Boys (no doubt thanks to being a kid in the late 90s...really!) because I didn’t want to seem stereotypically “gay” or the like. Thinking about it more, just coming out to my friends would make life a whole lot easier and I feel as if I could talk to them honestly a lot more, but I still don’t know how they would react.

Which is why I wanted to start talking about them here; maybe in analyzing my relationships with my friends, I can figure out why I feel so afraid as to hide from them. I’ll start with my closest allies, “the guys”. Some dudes call them bros, homies, buddies, pals. Call them what you want, they’re a guy’s group of closest male friends. I keep it simple and refer to them simply as “the guys”. There’s a group of four of us, myself and my buddies Brian, Danny and Nate. Brian, Danny and I are friends from 2nd grade, but it wasn’t till the 9th grade when Nate came along that all of us really started to hang out together on a regular basis. We do all the regular things buddies do together, play video games, shoot pool, grab a bite to eat together, bowling, generally shoot the shit. We keep each other updated throughout the week when we play video games online together and talk about school/work, relationships, roommates, just what’s going on in life in general. We also make it an effort to see each other once a week, usually on a Friday, to hangout, so we’re pretty close and can confide in each other in a pretty meaningful way. Honestly, these are the guys I can see myself playing golf with when we’re 65, having our kids all play together, etc; that’s the sort of close relationship we all have with each other.

Really, I only have one beef with them as a group. Of course, being a group of masculine guys, we’re always poking fun at each other for being feminine or gay, which of course becomes a problem. I know they don’t mean it, since they have gay friends and relatives, but that’s just how it works with a group of masculine guys; bring the other guys down to make yourself more macho, right?

And that’s just another game I have to play. I don’t want to have to brush off one of them or give them a “fuck you” whenever they teasingly ask if I’m a homo. I know what the answer is, but I’m afraid if they knew it, it’d fuck up the group dynamic. My worst fear would be for things to change if I were to come out; I want to be able to tease them about shit and them to tease me right back, but I’m afraid if I were to come out, they wouldn’t feel comfortable joking around simply because some of that is based in teasingly questioning each other’s sexuality. And that’s not to say we should be calling each other fags and making homophobic remarks or the like, but it’s one of those ways a lot of masculine guys use to joke around and bond with each other, so to kill that dynamic I’m afraid will create a huge lull over the group, which I definitely don’t want.

And if you’re wondering, it’s strictly platonic with these guys. They’re the closest thing I have to brothers, so imagine dating your brother and beyond. Completely grossed out now, right? Same way I feel these guys. Besides, if you’ve seen/heard some of the shit they say and do, you’d be completely unattracted to them too, but that’s another story.

-Matt

PS. I’m ClosetCarGuy for a reason (because I love cars, duh), and this is what I’d love to be rocking out in the sun right now, a Honda S2000.

Mind Games

I think most, if not all gays and bisexuals, closeted or not, end up playing mind games with themselves. I guess that’s just a side effect from living in a world where being straight is the norm and you’re essentially condemned for going against that. Maybe where we each differ though, is in how we interpret and react to these pressures and norms held against us. For me, being a closeted bisexual has turned me into a serial liar. You wouldn’t be able to tell (at least I’m hoping) that I’m attracted to guys, and the turmoil and self-doubt that goes along with it simply because I can lie so well. Recently I had a discussion with my friend Lindsay about whether my family would be alright with me dating someone of another ethnicity (I’ll tackle that in another post), in which she “slipped up”, asking me if my grandparents would approve of me dating a white guy. As soon as the words slipped out of her mouth, she buried her face in her hands and burst out laughing at the “absurdity” of her comment (or so she thinks anyway). I played along with the “ridiculousness” of the idea of me being gay and responded with a sigh and a “Lindsay, Lindsay...seriously, what am I going to do with you...?”. It bugs me that my friends can buy the whole “I’m a straight guy” act, simply because they like who I am and how I behave even though that’s not quite the real me. I worry that they won’t like the “out” Matt, even though he really isn’t much different than I am now.

You probably noted the contradiction right there; serial liar who pulls an act in front of his friends, yet says he’ll stay the same. That’s just evidence of how good I’ve gotten at lying and acting, I’m not even sure myself where the real me begins and the lies end. Am I truly caring and altruistic to others, or is that just a facade I’ve created to protect the real me? Is my sense of humour an intrinsic part of me, or is the sarcasm and goofiness a distraction from the fear and insecurities underneath? I’ve really been meaning to write more for this blog (and trust me, I’ve been trying) but honestly, some days it’s just difficult to write because I just can’t feel anything...I feel like a robot. I’ve learned to bottle up my emotions so well that even in times where I want to share what’s going on, I can’t connect to them, can’t find them. Right now, I feel as if everything’s okay, but deep down, I know it isn’t...there’s a lot of fear about the past, present, future. I’m even all right with the whole liking guys, being bisexual thing right now...so why is it that I feel compelled to lie to my friends? Why not just come out? It really shouldn’t be this way; I really need to learn to express myself and be honest.

Bottling up my emotions has only served to create all these walls and obstacles to prevent anyone from seeing what’s going on in my mind. It’s made me more shy and reserved, which I hate mostly because I’ve got thoughts on my mind and things to say, but it’s just become second nature to not say anything just because I don’t want to be exposed for what I am. And with that, I’ve stayed away from a lot of social situations, making new friends, etc. I wonder about how things could be different had I dealt with the sexuality issue earlier in life and how I could express my emotions more fully and where that could have taken me. Maybe I would have had more/better friends? Maybe a killer boyfriend/girlfriend by now? Maybe some good memories of crazy parties with others or something? Who knows. It’s thoughts like that that made me write this blog...I mentioned in my last post about being afraid of not having experienced life enough for the future, but the same is for the past. What have I accomplished in my youth? What could I have accomplished in terms of my social/dating life? Maybe things would be different now? I wish I could say I had no regrets, but I wish I had been more honest with myself instead of denying myself and distracting myself from the real me, then maybe I could have reached my full potential. It feels like I’ve wasted my youth, and now I need to get a move on and experience as much as I can in the next few years. This blog is supposed to maybe finally break that cycle of hiding and acting, so maybe I can open up and finally be myself and get going on enjoying being young.

Reading back to myself, this is pretty vague...I guess I established what being closeted and bi has done to me, but there’s no real explanation of a cause. But like I said, it’s difficult tonight trying to connect to what I’m feeling, I'm drawing a blank. This post probably deserves a followup, and hopefully maybe I can dive a bit deeper into what’s troubling me so bad later this week.

-Matt

Where it all began

**Continued from post "Fluidtiy"

My attraction to guys started back in my late childhood/early preteens. At first, beginning puberty, I just chalked it up to fascination, like an interesting science, that guys like myself would get more muscular, deeper voiced, get hair where there was no hair before! :P Once I was about twelve, thirteen I started to realize that it was a little more than that, but I ignored it and distracted myself with typical preteen/teenage activities like finishing my homework quickly to play video games, the mall, hanging out at friends’ houses and the like. It was around 10th grade that kids started dating each other and had boyfriends/girlfriends which made my attraction appear more perverse. I caught myself checking out guys in the hall, admiring their bodies in gym class. I reassured myself it was just jealousy; that it was only because I wanted to be the buff, blond haired, blue-eyed jock. So I did like I had before and covered it up using schoolwork, friends and a straight crush to hide my desires. It was the end of grade 11 or beginning of grade 12 when I realized that there was definitely something “wrong” with me. I had had a dream about a cute male classmate from one of my business classes; I was making out with him, running my fingers through his hair...and then it got pretty explicit (I won’t go into detail...there are better blogs than this for that kind of stuff!). I was turned on, but scared out of my wits because I knew this was something that I thought was disgusting and wrong at the time, and it wasn’t what normal guys fantasized about. So what did I do? I brushed it off of course, focused on getting the grades and courses I needed for university, making money from my part-time job to blow on clothes, food, electronics and hanging out with friends. And largely, that’s what I’ve done up until I acknowledged my bisexuality, is push my feelings down and distracting myself from my attraction to guys through dedicating myself to other activities. From that, I’ve pushed myself away from other people, from certain social interactions and situations. Clearly there’s more depth to that issue, but I’m sort of tired and somewhat mellowed out (instead of depressed and ranty) to spill about that today. Anyway, up until my recent realization that I am at least bi, like most bi/gay guys who feel attraction to men, I always thought it was just a phase, that I would get over it and things would be alright for me.

But now I feel as if I’ve waited long enough for this “phase” to be over. I’m 22 years old and have never dated or had a relationship, kissed someone, had sex (that’s right, I’m a virgin...I can’t believe this is on the internet...), and have got friends that have had multiple relationships, plenty of sexual experience and even some that have gotten married. I feel like I’ve waited too long for my sexuality to make itself clear and now I’m in some sort of rush to get going on my love life. That’s another reason why I wonder if I’m really bisexual, whether I’ve just declared myself that so I can get going on getting into the dating world; perhaps I’m really gay and haven’t taken the time to realize it. It scares me that I’ve gotten myself into this predicament. Again, like a lot of guys, I always wanted that white picket fence, 3 kids, hot wife, 2 dogs (still kinda do, actually). I wanted to start that relatively young, like 28, because I don’t want to be old and not be able to relate with my kids (I want to be the cool dad :P). But I haven’t even been able to open myself up to anyone and waited endlessly for my sexuality to point me in some sort of direction and it’s as if it’s put me at a disadvantage. So now that dream seems to be slipping away because I’ll need a few years to build that relationship (say 3 years at the very least?), which puts me at 25. Which then means I have less than three years (and quickly counting down) to figure out who I am, have fun, drink, party and maybe be a slut to make up for all the time I wasted in high school distracting myself. It scares me and pisses me off at the same time that the dream is drifting away, because it seemed so cozy and it’s partly what I wanted, but I have to come to the realization that it’s probably not going to be perfect like that for me on account of my sexuality and definitely not on the timeline I wanted because I suppressed my issues and lied to myself.

Anyway, now you’re caught up in my bisexual/dating/sex/lack thereof life. I’ll probably making a few additions and explanations to what I’ve said here along the way, and you’ve got a taste of what emotional barriers and mechanisms I put up. There’s probably more, but that’s another post. Lastly, I could use some feedback on my writing; I’m used to stuffy academic writing, so I’ve tried to go for a more casual tone, but I’m hoping not at the expense of grammar and clarity. Thanks!

-Matt

Fluidity

I suppose I should explain myself more, at least in terms of my sexuality. For now, I’m a bisexual, but I feel as if that’s still up in the air (more on that further down). For years (and even still), I’ve had no clue where my desires were going, even day-to-day. There are some days where I would gladly take the cute blond guy walking his dog at the park, and other days I have to pry my attention off of the cute brunette chick whose sat herself down next to me on the bus. Other days, I’ll walk down the hall at school and steal a glance at the approaching hottie in a cute blouse, but before she passes, I can’t help but check out the muscles that are hinting from underneath her boyfriend’s t-shirt too. It’s frustrating because I wish my mind would settle on one or the other and make it easy for myself to decide which one I chase after, instead of fucking with my head and switching back and forth.

Generally, I find myself more attracted guys a bit more than I am to girls. If we wanted to put numbers on it, I would estimate about 60 to 70% gay, 30 to 40% straight? But again, let me emphasize: THIS CHANGES DAY-TO-DAY. I could be 100% straight one day or 100% gay the next, or maybe somewhere in between. It gets even more confusing since I have preferences based on emotional and physical attraction. From a physical standpoint, I’m more attracted to guys. There’s something about a chistled body, square jaw, little bit of scruff that gets me going. I think I’m also under the impression that guys tend to be more carnal in bed, or maybe that’s my own urges speaking. ANYWAY. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the female body because I do (thank you booty shorts!), but there’s something about the guys that one ups the girls. Maybe I’ll figure that out along the way. From an emotional stand point, I prefer women. This is me speculating again (perhaps incorrectly) that girls just tend to be more open and emotional, which I think I need to loosen up and share what’s going on inside of my head. Nothing against the guys, since I could see (and want) myself with someone who could do that for me, but I’m just under that impression that we’re all supposed to bottle up our emotions and not show weakness, something that isn’t conducive to my emotional attachment to a person. Or perhaps it’s residue from being socialized to be straight that I’m a little uneasy with the idea of a guy fawning over me or whining about why we don’t see each other enough. I don’t know. Is it becoming clear that I think too much? And that that probably contributes to why I’m so fucked up and confused? Ugh, reading this section back makes me sound like such a shallow horndog, but I suppose that’s partly true (the horndog part anyway)...okay, sorry! Let’s move onto something that’s a little more substantial and emotional.