A True "New Beginning"

A week ago today I woke up thinking “what the hell did I do last night??” And now, one week later, I’m sitting here thinking the exact same thing about the last seven days. I’m completely drained, both physically and mentally, plus I’m starting to realize I still have plenty of issues to address: Lindsay, wondering if my parents and sister have noticed my strange behaviour this week, completely unsure of where my emotions are going next, wondering if I’ll ever figure my sexuality out, amongst other things.

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I swear I’ve talked more in the last seven days than I have my entire lifetime. I’ve told secrets and feelings that I’ve never told anyone, and to hear what I’m thinking isn’t crazy, or just hearing that my negative thoughts are normal and will slowly disappear as I confront my issues has made me more confident, less stressed and less paranoid. 

Like today, I met up with my best buddy Brian to do some shopping. I’ve always been really paranoid every time we went out just the two of us, wondering if we look like a “couple” and not wanting to pry into his personal life, just in case he did the same to me and my secret slipped out. But today, I asked him every question I thought of, made tons of jokes, said just about anything and everything, and yet he didn’t look at me weird or act all awkward like he knew my secret. And that’s what I need right now, to talk and get confirmation that the crazy assumptions I’m making about what others are thinking aren’t true. It’s even better because lately I feel as if we haven’t been close and haven’t talked to each other a whole ton, but today both of us didn’t shut up for a minute, we talked the entire three and a half hours we hung out. And that’s great, because I really want to have a great relationship with Brian, we have so much history as friends and I always thought he’d be one of first to know my secret, so at the very least, he’ll probably be the next to know.

I started to worry this week that I would never be able to talk/blog about any positive experiences at any sort of length, and that every post and conversation was going to be just a complete bitch-fest about how awful my problems are and how terrible they make me feel inside. But here I am, an entire blog post in, and it’s all about how great my day’s been so far. And although I still have a lot of work to do, that gives me a lot of hope for myself in the future.  

And a special thank you to everyone who has supported me and this blog. I can’t begin to describe how hearing your words of encouragement, stories and personal experiences have given me the strength and reassurance, much like talking to my friends and family has this week. I’d love to pay it forward by talking/listening/helping my fellow bloggers, so don’t be afraid to drop me an email (tangerine995@gmail.com) or add me on google. I'm here for you guys just as much as you are for me.

-Matt