Fluidity

I suppose I should explain myself more, at least in terms of my sexuality. For now, I’m a bisexual, but I feel as if that’s still up in the air (more on that further down). For years (and even still), I’ve had no clue where my desires were going, even day-to-day. There are some days where I would gladly take the cute blond guy walking his dog at the park, and other days I have to pry my attention off of the cute brunette chick whose sat herself down next to me on the bus. Other days, I’ll walk down the hall at school and steal a glance at the approaching hottie in a cute blouse, but before she passes, I can’t help but check out the muscles that are hinting from underneath her boyfriend’s t-shirt too. It’s frustrating because I wish my mind would settle on one or the other and make it easy for myself to decide which one I chase after, instead of fucking with my head and switching back and forth.

Generally, I find myself more attracted guys a bit more than I am to girls. If we wanted to put numbers on it, I would estimate about 60 to 70% gay, 30 to 40% straight? But again, let me emphasize: THIS CHANGES DAY-TO-DAY. I could be 100% straight one day or 100% gay the next, or maybe somewhere in between. It gets even more confusing since I have preferences based on emotional and physical attraction. From a physical standpoint, I’m more attracted to guys. There’s something about a chistled body, square jaw, little bit of scruff that gets me going. I think I’m also under the impression that guys tend to be more carnal in bed, or maybe that’s my own urges speaking. ANYWAY. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the female body because I do (thank you booty shorts!), but there’s something about the guys that one ups the girls. Maybe I’ll figure that out along the way. From an emotional stand point, I prefer women. This is me speculating again (perhaps incorrectly) that girls just tend to be more open and emotional, which I think I need to loosen up and share what’s going on inside of my head. Nothing against the guys, since I could see (and want) myself with someone who could do that for me, but I’m just under that impression that we’re all supposed to bottle up our emotions and not show weakness, something that isn’t conducive to my emotional attachment to a person. Or perhaps it’s residue from being socialized to be straight that I’m a little uneasy with the idea of a guy fawning over me or whining about why we don’t see each other enough. I don’t know. Is it becoming clear that I think too much? And that that probably contributes to why I’m so fucked up and confused? Ugh, reading this section back makes me sound like such a shallow horndog, but I suppose that’s partly true (the horndog part anyway)...okay, sorry! Let’s move onto something that’s a little more substantial and emotional.