Sunday, 22 January 2012

My Family Knows My Secret, Amongst Other Things

I had a pretty emotional week...I basically had a nervous breakdown Wednesday night, triggered by my counselling session earlier in the day. It’s a story I want to share in another post, but what you need to know for now is that I was extremely anxious to the point where I couldn’t sleep and my mind kept ruminating to the point where I just felt helpless and alone.

The anxiety and fear of being alone was so bad I just had to talk to someone, so I decided to tell everything to the person I trusted the most at the time, my mom. Being up the whole night, I pulled her aside as soon as I heard her up and I started telling her about counselling, what we talked about that had stressed me out and just all the worries that were coming to my head. And she comforted me through it all, but of course she wanted to know what had made me decide to go see Liz in the first place. I hesitated for a second, but by then I was just so emotional and had everything on the table, plus she seemed more concerned about my deteriorating mental health, so I went and told her how I went after coming out to Lindsay and the loneliness that came from her pulling back. We both glossed over the fact that I had admitted I was struggling with my sexuality to talk about my other worries, but we eventually got to discuss it later. 

My mom’s been extremely supportive about the whole thing. She told my dad and my sister about most things we talked about, including my sexuality issues, so I wouldn’t get stressed over it, which is fine by me. I don’t think there was going to be an easy/non-awkward/casual way of telling my dad, so I’m okay with that, but I was hoping my sister would get to hear it from my mouth, rather than my mom’s. But whatever, I’m just happy that they know, and that they’re supportive and accepting of everything that’s going on. My sister let me know today that she’s always there to talk and support me, and that nothing I could ever say would faze her. She also told me that she’s always looked p to me, which was really uplifting. 

My mom and I have had a few conversations about my sexuality; it’s really weird for me to be talking about my attractions with my mom, but I explained (awkwardly and nervously) the different dimensions of my attractions to men and women, about all the hiding and my feelings on being confused and the LGBT community. She’s told me some of the coming out experiences of some of her gay/lesbian friends and the happiness they’ve found in their partners, which was comforting not only to hear about other people’s experiences, but it showed my mom’s acceptance of the LGBT community. She even offered to get one of her gay friends to talk with me about his experiences. Not sure if I’m going to take her up on the offer, but it might be interesting. Anyway, what she tells me following every conversation is that she just wants to see me happy with someone, whether it be a man or a woman, that they can support me and for me to equally support them. I’m sure hoping for the same thing. :)

So there you have it. It wasn’t the cleanest way of coming out to my family and not at all how I planned it, but I’m glad it’s known and that weight is off my shoulders. Best of all, I’ve got my family behind my back. :)

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Same-Sex Marriage Controversy

Caught this on the news this morning:

What’s happening is there’s a controversy brewing after two lesbians, one from Florida and one from the UK, came to Canada to get married back in 2005 and are now seeking a divorce and finding they can’t. Neither the UK or Florida are willing to accept the Canadian marriage, so looking to divorce here and going to court, they’re discovering that 1) they can’t divorce because of a clause in our federal divorce laws that says you must be a resident for a at least a year to get a divorce and 2) the marriage might not even be valid because a lawyer for the feds is arguing that same-sex marriages performed here are only valid if they are recognized by the places where married couples are living. 

Let me first say I’m glad and proud that we have same-sex marriage in this country, and I feel very fortunate to have that option open to me should I choose to go down that road. But its issues and debates like these that make me question getting married in the future. For me, marriage should be a symbol of the love between two people, pure and simple. When you begin talking about divorce, alimony, tax breaks and other bureaucracy, it becomes a bit of a joke and it sort of ruins my definition of marriage. I also feel that there’s that ridiculous “pressure” in society to get married because “that’s what you do” when you’re a couple, and then there’s the added “pressure” for gay couples to take advantage of your rights. I just feel that, today, there’s just way too much of an emphasis in getting married for these ridiculous bureaucratic, legal and social reasons. And so my thought is: why bother getting into this mess? Common-law partnership allows you to be in a loving relationship without the enormous hoopla and pressure of a wedding ceremony, prenups, paperwork, legal definitions and social expectations of a marriage. But I guess it also sways your perception when you have good, successful examples of common-law relationships in your family.  =) 

ANYWAY, back to the article. There are really two issues here: the divorce/residency clause and the validity of same sex marriages performed here for foreigners. I’m by no means an expert on the divorce laws in this country, but I’d assume the residency clause is an non-issue, since, as someone in the CBC comments said, it’s no different from a straight couple getting married in Niagara Falls, going home, then getting screwed trying to get a divorce because they don’t live here.   

What’s a little more disturbing is the validity/invalidity of the marriages performed for foreigners. It’s seems like a slap to the gay rights movement to offer the ability for gays from other countries to come here and marry, only to refuse to acknowledge the marriage just because it isn’t recognized where they live. Why bother performing these marriages then, and just restrict gay marriages to Canadians?? Hopefully that argument doesn’t hold up in court, because I’d like to see Canada set an example and demonstrate the progressiveness and support there should be for the international gay community. Of course, this whole issue wouldn’t really be a problem if the entire world recognized same-sex marriage, but that’s another issue. Lastly, I'm hoping the Conservatives keep their word and don’t reopen the same-sex marriage debate over this, although I’ve been wondering if they would since they gained complete power in May. But, I mean, politicians ALWAYS stay true to their word, right?

PS. Here's some extra reading (with Dan Savage content) & statistics (with pictures!) if you're interested: 

Sunday, 8 January 2012


I wish I could start the New Year with a positive post, but that isn’t going to happen unfortunately. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been around my friends and family for the holidays and hearing how great things are for them and how awful things are for me in comparison, but I’ve just been so frustrated and angry with how things are going in life right now.

I found out this week that Lindsay has a new boyfriend. And you know what? I’m upset about it and I didn’t understand why until I started writing this post. I feel crazy saying it, but it’s because I feel abandoned and betrayed by her. This crazy part of me thinks that maybe she was only “friends” with me all these years because she wanted a chance with me, and once I came out and made it painfully obvious that it wasn’t going to happen, it now feels like she ditched our “friendship” for another romantic interest. I’m angry over the fact that I thought I made it clear that we were just friends and clearly she didn’t see it that way. So when I needed a friend, she bailed on me just because her feelings for me got in the way, when in my mind they never should have existed in the first place. I’m angry at myself after looking back on things, since I might have behaved in a way that might have misled her, and that this could be my own fault that I’m in this scenario. I’m also jealous of the fact that she managed to move on so easily, whereas I’m still in the same place, licking my wounds and stewing over what should have been.