Thoughts on being bisexual

Coming out has crossed my mind more and more lately. It would make it a hell of a lot easier just to talk to my friends and family, and then maybe I can be comfortable in my own skin, move on with my life and stop worrying and freaking out so much. I’ve got an idea of how I would want to do it in my head: ideally, I’d like to tell both Lindsay and Brian first, since we go out the three of us for dinner a lot of the time and then head back to Lindsay’s place to have some pretty deep conversation, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to slip it in then (I hope). But there’s still a few things that are holding me back, things that I’m still coming to grips with being bi, gay or whatever it is.

Not to devalue the experiences of gays, but I think there’s a lot of additional challenges bisexuals face in society. There’s a lot of stigma about being a slut and switching teams; it’s like a general opinion that you can’t decide on one or the other and I think that manifests into a general distrust in bisexuals. Honestly, right now, I would even take being 100% gay over being bi. Being gay is so much more black/white than being bi; you come to terms with being gay, come out, date guys, there’s no real question about where you stand in your sexuality. Being bi though, not only do you have to deal with who you are and coming out, but once you’re ready to date, things don’t get easier. Those assumptions made about your sexuality seem to make relationships and sex a whole lot more complicated.

For example, I think about how the whole dating thing is going to go as a bisexual. I worry about how being a bisexual would alter the trust in the relationship. Guy or girl, would they be okay knowing that I’m attracted to someone of the opposite sex? Would they believe that I would cheat and switch teams at the drop of a hat just because I’m bi? On the one hand, how is being attracted to either guys or girls any different from a straight guy checking out other girls at the beach, or for that matter, a gay guy checking other guys out? Instead, it’s just someone of the same and/or opposite sex...the same general principles are there, attractive people are attractive, so they catch your eye. But that doesn’t mean that I would look anymore into it, much like any straight guy wouldn’t automatically dump his girlfriend for the cute waitress that’s serving his date. I’d like to think I have more respect for myself and stronger morals than that as to hurt someone I was truly in love with for some meaningless physical desire.

And were I to date a guy, I also wouldn’t want people to come up to me and say, “oh, so you’re gay now?” because that simply isn’t true. But even so, in society, when people see two guys together, I’ll bet their first thought isn’t “awww, doesn’t the bisexual look cute with him?” To be wrongly stigmatized like that is just frustrating, because I know have that interest in women, but at the same time, I definitely wouldn’t reject a relationship with a guy either, so why is it assumed that I’m only interested in guys if I’m seen dating one? And what if a girl who was into me saw me lay lips on a guy and makes the same assumption? It shouldn’t mean that I’m totally off limits to her, and I don’t want her to feel as if she has no chance with me, but it certainly comes across that way and it feels like there’s little I can do to help that, so what’s a bi guy to do?

Even if I were to date somebody, I wonder when it would be appropriate to tell them. Honesty is the best policy, sure, but would being bi scare off any potential boyfriend/girlfriend if I told them at the beginning of the relationship? At the same though, lying about it until later in the relationship doesn’t seem fair, in a sense that’s leading them on, and maybe having a bisexual boyfriend isn’t something they want to deal with. You know, I say I’ve got this general feeling about what people think of bisexuals, but maybe I really have no clue. Maybe I’m not giving people enough credit and they’re actually more accepting of bisexuals than I think they are, or maybe I’m just fooling myself saying that.



With that being said, I need your help to set the record straight (no pun intended) and be honest: how would you feel about dating a bisexual? Would their bisexuality bother you, and why or why not?




-Matt