My Family Knows My Secret, Amongst Other Things

I had a pretty emotional week...I basically had a nervous breakdown Wednesday night, triggered by my counselling session earlier in the day. It’s a story I want to share in another post, but what you need to know for now is that I was extremely anxious to the point where I couldn’t sleep and my mind kept ruminating to the point where I just felt helpless and alone.

The anxiety and fear of being alone was so bad I just had to talk to someone, so I decided to tell everything to the person I trusted the most at the time, my mom. Being up the whole night, I pulled her aside as soon as I heard her up and I started telling her about counselling, what we talked about that had stressed me out and just all the worries that were coming to my head. And she comforted me through it all, but of course she wanted to know what had made me decide to go see Liz in the first place. I hesitated for a second, but by then I was just so emotional and had everything on the table, plus she seemed more concerned about my deteriorating mental health, so I went and told her how I went after coming out to Lindsay and the loneliness that came from her pulling back. We both glossed over the fact that I had admitted I was struggling with my sexuality to talk about my other worries, but we eventually got to discuss it later. 

My mom’s been extremely supportive about the whole thing. She told my dad and my sister about most things we talked about, including my sexuality issues, so I wouldn’t get stressed over it, which is fine by me. I don’t think there was going to be an easy/non-awkward/casual way of telling my dad, so I’m okay with that, but I was hoping my sister would get to hear it from my mouth, rather than my mom’s. But whatever, I’m just happy that they know, and that they’re supportive and accepting of everything that’s going on. My sister let me know today that she’s always there to talk and support me, and that nothing I could ever say would faze her. She also told me that she’s always looked p to me, which was really uplifting. 

My mom and I have had a few conversations about my sexuality; it’s really weird for me to be talking about my attractions with my mom, but I explained (awkwardly and nervously) the different dimensions of my attractions to men and women, about all the hiding and my feelings on being confused and the LGBT community. She’s told me some of the coming out experiences of some of her gay/lesbian friends and the happiness they’ve found in their partners, which was comforting not only to hear about other people’s experiences, but it showed my mom’s acceptance of the LGBT community. She even offered to get one of her gay friends to talk with me about his experiences. Not sure if I’m going to take her up on the offer, but it might be interesting. Anyway, what she tells me following every conversation is that she just wants to see me happy with someone, whether it be a man or a woman, that they can support me and for me to equally support them. I’m sure hoping for the same thing. :)

So there you have it. It wasn’t the cleanest way of coming out to my family and not at all how I planned it, but I’m glad it’s known and that weight is off my shoulders. Best of all, I’ve got my family behind my back. :)

My "Coming Out" Plan

I thought this deserved its own post, so double the postings tonight. Anyway, in counselling Liz and I discussed my options for dealing with my secret. We came up with three options:

1. I keep the secret to myself and continue living my life; after all, I’m not really obligated to tell anyone, but... It’s not really an option in my mind. It’s what I’ve been doing for years, and as you can tell from this blog, this method’s gotten me to great places emotionally. 
2. Get into a relationship. I thought this was an interesting option, the justification behind it was that I find someone who I can be comfortable around because they accept me for who I am, plus he becomes a valuable support in coming out. Only problem is I’m too truthful and a little too predictable/ritualistic. I don’t like the idea of lying or telling my friends and family to “mind their own business” in order to go see any potential boyfriend, because they’ll know something’s up. It’s easier for them just to know. So it’s really just down to my last option: 
3. Come out to friends and family...which is what I’ve been struggling to do all along.  Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I’ve been making it such a big deal in my head. Liz suggested to just slip it into conversation, which at first seemed like no easy feat. I mean, I’ve lied, faked, gone to counselling and written an anonymous blog over this secret, how am I supposed to not make it a big deal? And then Liz told me how one morning she was making breakfast with her brother, and when she asked who he was out with the night before, he replied “my boyfriend”.

“It’s as easy as that, Matt. You don’t have to make a huge, dramatic speech. People feel as if they have to react to that. Just make it as if it’s a new fact they’re learning about you, and I guarantee it won’t be nearly as big a deal as you think it is.”  

I know she’s right, nobody’s really going to be disappointed or scared or upset. Now it’s just a matter of sucking up my fears and going for it. And I may just have to try what she suggested, because really, what do I have to lose doing it that way? 

So then I had to decide who I wanted to tell next. At first it was still going to be Brian, but I started to voice my concerns over telling him: since he became an apprentice, he’s developed this “tradesman attitude” which includes a lot of homophobic remarks. He’s my best buddy and I’d love to tell him, but he makes it so difficult sometimes when he says things like “What are you, a homo?”. So then I considered my sister as a backup, and I’m really not sure why I didn’t sooner. I have a lot less to lose: she’s my sister, and she’ll always accept me as her brother, unlike Brian who could *potentially* (but highly unlikely) drop me as a friend. She’s also pretty open-minded and liberal, a bit of an activist for gender equality and gay rights. I feel really silly now writing everything out that I didn’t consider going to her first before, but I still haven’t told anyone yet, so there’s still time to make right on that. Hopefully sometime this week maybe...?  =)

-Matt

Take Two

Hey guys,

I took a little break from blogging just to reevaluate what I wanted to do here. A lot of the time I wasn't sure what to put here, or how it was going to help me. I've realized that I've got this irrational idea in my head that talking about myself makes me conceited and that my problems and thoughts aren't important, so I keep things to myself. Crazy, right? It's ridiculous, but even with the anonymity of the internet, I kind of cared what I was putting out there and how that might be interpreted, so I found myself censoring some of what I wrote. It might be in part because I was worried about somebody finding me out or maybe it's just because in my crazy mind I didn't want to come off as egotistical. But anyway, with that being said, I'm going to keep at it and give it another shot.

So what's been going on the last month with me?