Mind Games

I think most, if not all gays and bisexuals, closeted or not, end up playing mind games with themselves. I guess that’s just a side effect from living in a world where being straight is the norm and you’re essentially condemned for going against that. Maybe where we each differ though, is in how we interpret and react to these pressures and norms held against us. For me, being a closeted bisexual has turned me into a serial liar. You wouldn’t be able to tell (at least I’m hoping) that I’m attracted to guys, and the turmoil and self-doubt that goes along with it simply because I can lie so well. Recently I had a discussion with my friend Lindsay about whether my family would be alright with me dating someone of another ethnicity (I’ll tackle that in another post), in which she “slipped up”, asking me if my grandparents would approve of me dating a white guy. As soon as the words slipped out of her mouth, she buried her face in her hands and burst out laughing at the “absurdity” of her comment (or so she thinks anyway). I played along with the “ridiculousness” of the idea of me being gay and responded with a sigh and a “Lindsay, Lindsay...seriously, what am I going to do with you...?”. It bugs me that my friends can buy the whole “I’m a straight guy” act, simply because they like who I am and how I behave even though that’s not quite the real me. I worry that they won’t like the “out” Matt, even though he really isn’t much different than I am now.

You probably noted the contradiction right there; serial liar who pulls an act in front of his friends, yet says he’ll stay the same. That’s just evidence of how good I’ve gotten at lying and acting, I’m not even sure myself where the real me begins and the lies end. Am I truly caring and altruistic to others, or is that just a facade I’ve created to protect the real me? Is my sense of humour an intrinsic part of me, or is the sarcasm and goofiness a distraction from the fear and insecurities underneath? I’ve really been meaning to write more for this blog (and trust me, I’ve been trying) but honestly, some days it’s just difficult to write because I just can’t feel anything...I feel like a robot. I’ve learned to bottle up my emotions so well that even in times where I want to share what’s going on, I can’t connect to them, can’t find them. Right now, I feel as if everything’s okay, but deep down, I know it isn’t...there’s a lot of fear about the past, present, future. I’m even all right with the whole liking guys, being bisexual thing right now...so why is it that I feel compelled to lie to my friends? Why not just come out? It really shouldn’t be this way; I really need to learn to express myself and be honest.

Bottling up my emotions has only served to create all these walls and obstacles to prevent anyone from seeing what’s going on in my mind. It’s made me more shy and reserved, which I hate mostly because I’ve got thoughts on my mind and things to say, but it’s just become second nature to not say anything just because I don’t want to be exposed for what I am. And with that, I’ve stayed away from a lot of social situations, making new friends, etc. I wonder about how things could be different had I dealt with the sexuality issue earlier in life and how I could express my emotions more fully and where that could have taken me. Maybe I would have had more/better friends? Maybe a killer boyfriend/girlfriend by now? Maybe some good memories of crazy parties with others or something? Who knows. It’s thoughts like that that made me write this blog...I mentioned in my last post about being afraid of not having experienced life enough for the future, but the same is for the past. What have I accomplished in my youth? What could I have accomplished in terms of my social/dating life? Maybe things would be different now? I wish I could say I had no regrets, but I wish I had been more honest with myself instead of denying myself and distracting myself from the real me, then maybe I could have reached my full potential. It feels like I’ve wasted my youth, and now I need to get a move on and experience as much as I can in the next few years. This blog is supposed to maybe finally break that cycle of hiding and acting, so maybe I can open up and finally be myself and get going on enjoying being young.

Reading back to myself, this is pretty vague...I guess I established what being closeted and bi has done to me, but there’s no real explanation of a cause. But like I said, it’s difficult tonight trying to connect to what I’m feeling, I'm drawing a blank. This post probably deserves a followup, and hopefully maybe I can dive a bit deeper into what’s troubling me so bad later this week.

-Matt