"Use Your Words, Dammit!"

My sister Diana was the one that said that to me once when I was using one word answers and being vague in answering how my day went. Granted, I’ve never been a great communicator, but sometimes it’s more than that.

Lately I’ve just felt like a robot, like I’m just operating in life without any sort of thought or emotion about anything that’s going on around me. I seriously don’t know what I’m feeling some days; it’s as if there’s nothing there, like my whole mind is just numb. I couldn’t express what I’m feeling even if I wanted to because I don’t really care or have a thought about anything, and this makes it really difficult to talk with people.



Interestingly enough, this gets me incredibly frustrated and infuriated, so at least I can feel pissed off at not feeling anything at all...it’s a start I guess. I’d love to say that I’m happy, sad, excited, annoyed, disappointed at how something went in my day, but I can’t because the feelings just aren’t there.

I don’t have any other explanation for it, other than I’ve just gotten that good at ignoring and bottling up my emotions. Maybe now that I’m constantly around people, around co-workers at work and friends and family in what little free time I have, I’ve had to lie and fake myself more than I usually would have being by myself at home. I have an idea of who I want to be; I want to be the happy, friendly, agreeable, empathetic, confident, funny guy and I try my best to maintain that persona. But in reality, deep down, they can’t see the constant disparaging, “I should be more/less _______” thoughts I use in a vague attempt at self-improvement. I’m actually pissed off I don’t know who I am, angry that I can’t understand my sexuality, annoyed that I can’t express my real feelings and make meaningful connections with most people. I’m jealous that people can be happy and be great human beings just being themselves without having to put on a face, or at least I’m jealous that they’re doing a better job of faking it than I am. I’m such an emotional wreck tonight...where was this emotion earlier in the week?!

Part of the reason I keep saying I want to come out is because I think it’s going to solve all my problems, that once I’m out, I can finally express myself, heal all this negativity and be that pleasant person I actually want to be. Tonight, that angry and pessimistic part of me isn’t so sure that will happen. Maybe what I’m feeling goes way deeper than just being confused in my attraction to guys, and while I think that being honest and coming to terms with that attraction will make it easier to talk about what I’m feeling, maybe it’s something else in my life that I haven’t expressed that’s making me bottle up all these feelings, or maybe I was just born to deny my emotions this way. God, I feel like I need a shrink.

Congrats if you’ve made it this far and actually something made sense to you and it wasn’t just an incoherent mess. I just really need to figure out what the hell is going on inside my head somehow, because it going to drive me crazy and it’s got to stop.

Hating himself at this moment,

-Matt