Lindsay

I’ve had way too much excitement already today. I just got a call from Brian saying he’s in the hospital after he flipped his car on the highway this morning. I talked to him briefly; he seems okay, a little groggy and dizzy, plus he doesn’t remember what happened, but he managed to text and talk to me over the phone before the doctors started examining him, so I’m hoping it’s nothing too serious. Still worried for him though. Add to that I’ve been playing telephone tag with a company I applied to and now I’m waiting for a call back to do a telephone interview, so I’m a complete wreck right now. I figured I would try and do some writing to distract me and calm my nerves.

I met Lindsay back in 8th grade when a group of us banded together to help each other with science labs and math homework and the like. She’s the closest thing I have to an older sister: she always has good, practical advice for me despite only being a month older than me, yet she still manages to be playful, bugs me and eggs me on like a sister would. She’s the only other person other than Brian that I can go to with my problems with family, school and the like. What I like about Lindsay is that she makes doing this so easy; she always seems to be so willing to listen, offer her insight and she just creates that environment of openness in the way she talks and expresses herself to me. She’s also not afraid to be blunt and straightforward in conversation, which makes it easier for me to open up (Silence, then out of the blue, “Matt, I have a question. Are you a boob or an ass type of guy?”). She’s also one of the most caring and considerate people I know; she’ll grab me a coffee before we get together sometimes, and she’ll try to transit out somewhere (she doesn’t drive) to meet me so I don’t have to drive so far and use up my gas.

There’s a couple things that bother me about Lindsay though, and it’s been causing some problems, which I’ll get to in a second. First of all, she’s very clingy and touchy-feely, often to the point where it’s uncomfortable. There was one incident at school where Lindsay pissed Danny off by hugging him and clutching his arm tightly in front of a girl he liked, and a lot of the time when we’re walking in the mall, she’ll hang off my arm or the like, so it’s seems like we’re together. Sometimes she’ll get me to call me when I get home after I drop her off, that sort of thing. She’s also very overdramatic, which tests my patience. Sometimes I’ll poke her lightly in the arm and she’ll scream (loudly, at that) and get all mad at me for a bit; I really want to tell her to calm down and get a grip sometimes, but I don’t and I’m not sure why. Lindsay’s also very flaky at times, she tends to skip group events and likes to stay home and keep to herself a lot. I’m one of the few people she goes out with, and a lot of the time it’s just the two of us.

That might be contributable to Lindsay and I both ended up attending the same local university, where only a handful of our friends ended up going, so we end up meeting each other on campus for lunch, or heading off campus for some sort of adventure. Through these lunches and adventures, we’ve gotten a lot closer. Maybe too close. Lately, we’ve gotten so close that some people seem to think we’re dating. It doesn’t help that back in the 9th grade, Lindsay confessed her feelings for me. I ended up dropping the F(riend) bomb on her, simply because I didn’t like how she interacted with her last boyfriend and because that was the beginning of my attraction to guys. She was a little embarrassed about it afterwards and we didn't talk for a while, but eventually we got past it and we've been friends ever since. Back to the present, it feels lately as if she’s sending me mixed signals. She keeps asking me about when I’m going to get a girlfriend (I tell her easier said than done.), and I mentioned I’m one of the few people she goes out with and it’s almost always just the two of us (although a close mutual friend invited us both out recently with her and her boyfriend, which makes me even MORE suspicious...). And with our history, maybe there’s still lingering feelings from 9th grade, who knows. I don’t know if it’s just her personality or if there’s something more, but it’s getting a little awkward, especially with the guys asking when something is going to happen between us two. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, and we’re just that good of friends, but either way I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I’ll be honest and say that dating Lindsay has crossed my mind, but 1) I haven’t been honest with myself about my sexuality and who I am, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to keep that secret from her, especially in a relationship. 2) As a friend, I can deal with Lindsay’s flaws, but as a boyfriend, I can see it getting pretty tiring (hell, its tiring as a friend sometimes). And 3) I don’t want to screw up what we have now; she’s one of the few people I can confide in, and if something goes wrong in the relationship (and with me as confused as I am, I think it’s likely), there’s a short list of other people I could go to. It’s just kind of an odd situation with myself and Lindsay, and I’m just not sure what to do about it right now. Eventually we’ll probably have to have a real discussion about what I’ve talked about here, but until then...?

-Matt