Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!

Wow, 2013 already...craaaaazzyyy.

Anyway, the holidays were alright all things considered. I spent Christmas Eve with my mom's family, which is always a laugh and a half. Little disappointing since my cousin and her kids were out of town, which meant there were no actual kids around excited to open gifts and have toys to play with (my sister and I were the last "kids" in the family). Christmas Day was a little different this year, since it's usually spent with my dad's side of the family, but my parents, sister and I had a pretty normal Christmas morning watching movies we had gotten and having a nice breakfast. Later, we went to go keep my grandmother company for a bit, then off to my uncle's for dinner. Because of all the planning for the funeral and missing Christmas together, I ended up spending a lot of time with my dad's side of the family between Christmas and New Years. They're family, and I love them, but that was more than enough time with them, and I'm glad the dust has settled and everything is getting somewhat back to normal.

Shane

Last weekend I decided to let loose and have a little fun, so I went to a gay bar with a group of my friends for the first time ever. I had a ton of fun, even thought the experience wasn't anything too notable, it was pretty much like any other club, except it was a little more laid-back and less pretentious (than some of the straight clubs I've been to anyway). The guys there were alright, no-one really notable either...except maybe for one...

Nate's cousin Shane didn't really stand out to me at first, other than the fact that he's a total hottie and he seemed like a lot of fun on the dance floor. It wasn't till the end of the night that he really caught my attention. In the car on the way home, he was really friendly, chatting all of us up trying to get to know each and every person. He was also just genuinely sweet and cheerful, never sarcastic or condescending, which is a major plus in my book. But there was one incident in particular that caught my interest. Earlier in the night, the two of us and a couple others were dancing up on one of the dance podiums when some guy motioned Shane off the platform and towards this cute strawberry-blond in the middle of the dance floor. I was a little disappointed as he hopped off the podium to go chat the guy up; though to my surprise, Shane returned to the podium within a whole minute of this guy's buddy pulling him off the stage. As we were walking back to the car, a few of us were giving him a hard time about what had happened. Shane explained that the dude had said he was totally into him, only they would have to keep it on the down-low since he had another boyfriend. Shane's response to the guy? You should stay faithful to your boyfriend. I was impressed, since while I'm not against hookups (I find there's a lot of hot guys out there and totally want to hook-up with a few of them), I'm sort of a hopeless romantic in that I find the idea of being in love with one person and having each other all to ourselves equally (if not more) hot. So to find someone that feels the same way and has that sort of character, especially in the gay community, is a real turn-on for me.

I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but this week I've been kicking myself for not making some sort of move on Shane. I'd love to use the excuse that I was tired from working all day and that I wasn't feeling all that sociable that night, but it's just a lie, another excuse. I was shy and I didn't open up and do myself justice that night. I cared way too much about Shane being Nate's cousin, and what that would have meant for our relationship or theirs had I made a move or what could go wrong if we got together. I thought maybe I wasn't his type or outgoing enough to be with him. I even caught myself thinking I wasn't good enough for him.

But I'm not writing this post from a pool of self-pity. I've come to realize that I can't just turn down every friend or family member of a mutual acquaintance that I'm interested in just because I'm afraid of messing up some sort of social dynamic...otherwise I'm never going to meet anyone that way. And I don't know for sure if I'm Shane's type, or if we'll have anything in common or not, but I won't know if I don't try. I'm tired of waiting around for a guy to come to me or cutting myself off before I even try to make a move. And now that there's a sweet, personable, cute and admirable guy at easy access, I'm not going to let my worries get in the way of things. So fuck it, I'm going to let Nate know that I'm interested in Shane and ask him to invite him along to a few more get togethers so I can actually loosen up, be myself and get a better feel for this guy. I'm giving myself no later than the end of the Labour Day long weekend when I'll be road tripping down to Seattle with Nate, no exceptions.

We'll see where this goes from here. Wish me luck.

Egoboosts and Other Random Stuff

Quick halfway-through-the-weekend update:

Rock climbing was alright. It wasn’t so much a class as much as it was a group of gay guys getting together to try out climbing for the first time. It was a little chaotic, since there was both our group and another large group in the gym at the same time, so it made it a little difficult to socialize. People were coming in late, and being split off into groups, so with the amount of people there, it was hard to tell who was with what group and what was going on. I think a good half of our group left for dinner part way through and the rest of us didn’t even notice, which was a little disappointing, since it would have been nice to get to know some of them. Despite that, I did get to chat a bit and flex those social skills with the guy I was paired up with and a few others who stuck around. My arms are killing me though...

I also went for coffee with Nate and Brian tonight, pretty tame stuff until we got on to the topic of gay bars and getting hit on. Apparently Nate’s close cousin, who is gay, is planning to head out to a local gay club for his birthday in a couple weeks. Nate, being a good cousin, agreed to go along, but as a straight guy, he isn’t really comfortable going to a gay club with a bunch of people he doesn’t know. His plan is to take his girlfriend with him, but he jokingly asked Brian and I if we’d go. Well, it was jokingly until Brian and Nate started discussing their curiosities about being hit on. They’re tired of making all the advances and for an egoboost, they’re semi-willing to give the gay club a go. Their suggested plan is this: the three of us stand at a table. Two of us throw our arms around each other and pretend like we’re a couple, and see how much attention the third gets. They call it a “social experiment”, I call it them being a bunch of attention whores, but whatever. I have my doubts that we’ll even go, but I might be down for the opportunity to try and pick up dudes.

As for tomorrow (today I guess now), I’m heading out on a hike with Nate, his girlfriend and her twin sister as part of a New Year’s resolution pact we made to do a hike every week. They were part of that group of girls Danny tried to set us up with back in October, which I guess had mixed success, but regardless the four of us have become pretty close friends. So I’m making it my goal to try and come out to the twins tomorrow, before they try to set me up with a girl (which it sounds like they’re planning to) or there’s any more awkward conversations (“So, Matt, what’s your pickup line for getting the ladies?” Uhhhhhh...). Keeping my fingers crossed. :)

Still Kicking!

A lot can happen in three and a half weeks, so I’m going to try and condense this down the best I can, but I can tell you now that it’s still going to be a novel.

I’ll start with an explanation of what happened at that fateful counselling session. Liz and I came to the conclusion that I lead my life by following what people want or expect from me (or at least what I assume those things are). Where a lot of my stress originated from was forcing myself to do things I don’t necessarily enjoy, but since it’s what people expected me to, I did it anyway. So the solution we discussed was to find something that genuinely made me happy, not anybody else, as to boost my confidence and focus on something other than worrying about pleasing other people. I ended up misinterpreting that to mean that I was on my own to find what made me happy and that no one else could be around me since they could potentially influence what I decide to do, and the ruminating snowballed from there. And that’s what brought me to my last post.

"Great having a chance to talk, dude"

This week I’ve spent some time mending relationships by hanging out with The Guys and chatting with them on Skype during the week. It’s not that I’ve really had any bad blood between any of them, but I’ve pulled back from them in recent years. Part of it is because I’m sort of intimidated by them, they’re all pretty masculine guys who are into sports and other stereotypical “guy” things that I’m not really into, so I hold back since I don’t want to sound wimpy or stupid. Maybe I’m slowly getting better, but I realized that there’s more to them than just talking about sports and video games and put my thoughts aside and took the effort to reconnect with them.

Part of the reason I’ve been brought back together with The Guys is because of this group of girls we met a few weeks back through Danny and his girlfriend. They’re really awesome, down to earth girls who aren’t really the partying, hard drinking type, but would rather go explore the city and go on an adventure, just like us. Out of this group, there is a set of twins that our other friends are trying to set Nate and myself up with. I appreciate the gesture from my friends, but I just feel like I’m being put in that awkward position of lying and telling half-truths to pretend I’m interested in them. Well, not to say I’m not into them, but I’m just not into them in THAT way. They make really cool friends, which is great, but I’m not sure if they want me in that group as something more. Nate’s been seeing his twin, and I’m not sure if the two of them keep inviting me out with them to set me up with the other twin/as a double date or whether they just like me as a friend whose personality and values match theirs. I mean, the four of us did go out Saturday night with a bunch of our friends to a bar, but then today it was just the twins, Nate and I going kayaking (??). It’s just a little unsettling for me because I don’t want to lead anybody on, but I really don’t know what to do to figure out my role in the group, other than to come out to them, which isn’t going to happen just yet.

What's up, buttercup?

Nothing too crazy going on in my life right now, but in the interest of opening myself up more, I thought I’d try and mention some of the small, random going-ons with me.

1) The parental units...are on vacation for a week, without me and my sister naturally. It’s going to be really weird, since my dad normally works from home and my mom is “semi-retired”, so there’s always someone around the house. I’m sort of “excited” having to fend for myself...I’ve lived with my parents all my life and I guess I’m spoiled in the sense that my mom feels obligated to do the cooking and cleaning being at home all the time, so I don’t ever have to worry about that. I just want to prove to myself that I’m perfectly capable on my own and not completely reliant on my parents for everything. Probably sounds crazy to any of you living on your own, but I guess the grass is always greener.

2) Brian and Nate know 5 gays amongst the two of them – No, wait...scratch that. One is a mutual friend between all of us. So technically 4, excluding myself of course. It doesn’t really surprise me, but hearing that was sort of a reality check for me...it’s not going to be easy for them, or for me dealing with this whole bi thing. There’s going to be a lot of questions, a lot of things they probably won’t understand, at least I think. It’s just another one of those things that’s freaking me out a little and I’d rather not have to deal with it, but we’ll see about that. In the end though, they’re still my buddies, so I think everything will be alright, but not without some little bumps along the way.

3) Old crushes – It’s kind of funny, I start blogging about how I like guys and how that’s played with my head, and then I see two old (female) crushes I haven’t seen since high school within a week. I saw one on the bus, but was too shy (and frankly, embarrassed) to say anything. I’m pretty sure my feelings were known to her, and well, things didn’t work out, whatever the situation was. C’est la vie. The other is actually good friends with Danny, and I said a quick hi to her at Danny’s birthday party that she was hosting. She’s a little bit different than I last remember her (a little more party-girl), but still cool to see her nonetheless. Both are still pretty cute, though...bloody “straight-ish” guy mind.

4) Time and weather – Summer must have forgotten about Vancouver...while the rest of North America is stuck in a proverbial heat wave, I think we’ve been lucky to get MAYBE 2 or 3 actual, bright, sunny days this month. That means not nearly as much hiking and volleyball-playing as I would have liked so far, but what can you do? I also registered for classes last week, just another sign summer’s slowly coming to an end. On the other hand, I always like going back to school in the fall: I’m all refreshed from the summer break, all ready to learn (such a nerd) and it’s a fun atmosphere with all the excited first-year students around and welcoming events going on.

5) I wish I had a Golf R to drift around in :( (Thanks Insideline!)

And yeah, that’s about it. Got another long weekend ahead of me (yay BC Day), so free time to blog, get outside, eat, hang out with friends...it's gonna be sweet.

-Matt

The Guys

FYI, I noticed that anonymous commenting was turned off, so that's been turned on. Don't be afraid to speak it out, I'd love to hear from you, get some new perspectives, etc.

Anyway, I thought I’d write something here more frequently than I have been lately, but I really haven’t felt the need or desire to; I usually only feel the need to write when things bother me or start to suck, which hasn’t happened lately. Things have been going good in life so far: the weather’s actually been decent around here with a good dose of sunshine and warmer temps, rather than being rainy and dreary like it is most of the time, so I’ve been able to do one of my favourite things and drive around with windows and sunroof open, singing and dancing (as much as you can in the driver's seat, anyway) along to the radio. It’s just so liberating to have the wind going through your hair and taking in the fresh air! (I know, my sister thinks I’m a dork too) My martial arts classes started back up too, so I’m also a little more active and energetic than I was before when I was sitting around on my lazy ass. That, and I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot more and having a ton of fun with them.

Being around them though has stirred up a lot of internal conflict and acting that I want to avoid. This weekend, for instance, a group of us went out to do some karaoke, which turned out to be a setup by my buddy Brian and his friend Iris to try and setup the rest of the guys and girls that went along. At the end of the night when he asked both my buddy Nate and I who we thought was cute, it didn’t feel natural just to shrug it off and say they weren’t my type (sort of true though, my taste in girls didn’t match with anyone there). As stupid as it sounds, I even avoided singing certain songs that I knew pretty well, like the Backstreet Boys (no doubt thanks to being a kid in the late 90s...really!) because I didn’t want to seem stereotypically “gay” or the like. Thinking about it more, just coming out to my friends would make life a whole lot easier and I feel as if I could talk to them honestly a lot more, but I still don’t know how they would react.

Which is why I wanted to start talking about them here; maybe in analyzing my relationships with my friends, I can figure out why I feel so afraid as to hide from them. I’ll start with my closest allies, “the guys”. Some dudes call them bros, homies, buddies, pals. Call them what you want, they’re a guy’s group of closest male friends. I keep it simple and refer to them simply as “the guys”. There’s a group of four of us, myself and my buddies Brian, Danny and Nate. Brian, Danny and I are friends from 2nd grade, but it wasn’t till the 9th grade when Nate came along that all of us really started to hang out together on a regular basis. We do all the regular things buddies do together, play video games, shoot pool, grab a bite to eat together, bowling, generally shoot the shit. We keep each other updated throughout the week when we play video games online together and talk about school/work, relationships, roommates, just what’s going on in life in general. We also make it an effort to see each other once a week, usually on a Friday, to hangout, so we’re pretty close and can confide in each other in a pretty meaningful way. Honestly, these are the guys I can see myself playing golf with when we’re 65, having our kids all play together, etc; that’s the sort of close relationship we all have with each other.

Really, I only have one beef with them as a group. Of course, being a group of masculine guys, we’re always poking fun at each other for being feminine or gay, which of course becomes a problem. I know they don’t mean it, since they have gay friends and relatives, but that’s just how it works with a group of masculine guys; bring the other guys down to make yourself more macho, right?

And that’s just another game I have to play. I don’t want to have to brush off one of them or give them a “fuck you” whenever they teasingly ask if I’m a homo. I know what the answer is, but I’m afraid if they knew it, it’d fuck up the group dynamic. My worst fear would be for things to change if I were to come out; I want to be able to tease them about shit and them to tease me right back, but I’m afraid if I were to come out, they wouldn’t feel comfortable joking around simply because some of that is based in teasingly questioning each other’s sexuality. And that’s not to say we should be calling each other fags and making homophobic remarks or the like, but it’s one of those ways a lot of masculine guys use to joke around and bond with each other, so to kill that dynamic I’m afraid will create a huge lull over the group, which I definitely don’t want.

And if you’re wondering, it’s strictly platonic with these guys. They’re the closest thing I have to brothers, so imagine dating your brother and beyond. Completely grossed out now, right? Same way I feel these guys. Besides, if you’ve seen/heard some of the shit they say and do, you’d be completely unattracted to them too, but that’s another story.

-Matt

PS. I’m ClosetCarGuy for a reason (because I love cars, duh), and this is what I’d love to be rocking out in the sun right now, a Honda S2000.