She Gets It (Part 2)

I felt great about coming out last night, but after today, I’m a little more melancholy with the whole situation. When I picked Lindsay up this morning, you could sense a little awkwardness in the air. We acted like nothing happened, made small talk and I dropped her off at school.

It was still like this when I picked her up again later in the afternoon. It wasn’t till I parked the car and we tried to discuss things again that the mood changed. It was different from last night, Lindsay seemed a lot more annoyed and angry at me as we discussed why I had dropped that bombshell on her last night. Neither of us knew how to feel, or what to say. She wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how, she didn’t understand how I felt and blamed herself for contributing to me having to lie to her. I couldn’t even begin to tell her how I felt either... I didn’t even know, and I told her that I’ve gotten too good at lying and suppressing my emotions, so how could I tell her what I was feeling?

And that’s when she burst into tears again like last night. She told me in between sobs that she was afraid of who I had been hiding all these years (almost our entire friendship) and who I was going to become. Out of fear, she didn’t want things to change, but for my betterment, she knew they had to. She felt guilty that her behaviour and remarks had forced me to lie and how that tore me up inside. She was angry that she had crushed on a “fake” me, which shook her world. She also was angry that I felt that there was a chance she wouldn’t accept me, and not knowing this really made her realize that she didn’t know who I was, despite our close relationship. She didn’t want to tell me this because she knew that it was going to make me upset and that it would seem like it was my fault she felt this way, so she felt couldn’t say that. She was saying exactly what I felt all these years, and that’s when I knew she got it. She understood what I was feeling.

Coming out is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I never wanted to burden anybody with my secret, but in that car this afternoon is exactly what I felt I did to Lindsay telling her this secret. And so I broke down and cried because I wanted to stay the same for her and not have her deal with the uncertainty and fear of who I am, was and may become. But I know if I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t have had much longer to live; I couldn’t keep this secret any longer, I needed her help and support. I tried to promise her things wouldn’t change, that I wouldn’t change, even though that it wasn’t true and she knew it. “Don’t you dare make promises you can’t keep, Matt.” She was right, I don’t know where I’m headed as a person now with my secret out. Am I going to end up completely different and terrible, or for the better? That uncertainty and being unable to promise Lindsay stability made me cry even more.

We both know this isn’t going to be easy. We’re both scared shitless of what’s going to happen to me and our friendship...neither of us wants to lose each other. Neither of us want change in me and our friendship, but we both know there will be (hopefully only for the better). But in the end, we both put our fears aside and made a promise, for the sake of our friendship, to help each other through this and become better for it. We’re going to be in much closer contact; she wants me to text/call her everyday just to check in, let her know what’s going on and just generally be more open with each other. And that’s all that matters.

After I dropped Lindsay off at her place, she signalled me to wait, ran inside her place and brought back an envelope. “I wrote this last night...read it when you’re alone” she said, and walked back inside. It’s stuck out in my car right now because I met my family out for dinner right after and my sister ended up riding back with me, so I couldn’t just pull it out and bring it back in the house with me. It’s killing me, wanting to know what’s in that letter, but it’ll have to wait for tomorrow or something.

So that’s my coming out story. It feels great, but at the same time, it’s been a rough ride. I wish Lindsay didn’t feel so blindsided and confused just like I am. But I’m just keeping confident that our friendship will come out better for it.