COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL Situation #1: You work in an office where the social circles tend to be very clique-y and keep to themselves. You’re in the cafeteria, helping yourself to a coffee, when someone behind you says “hi”. Since there’s other people around also getting coffee, you assume it’s meant for someone else, but after a couple seconds and hearing no reply back, you look up to see a guy staring at you. You’ve seen him around the office, but you have no idea who he is and he definitely doesn’t work in your department. There are a few traits about him that are setting off your gaydar, but you ignore them. You politely address him and silently go back to preparing your caffeine fix for the morning. Instead of doing the same, he begins to strike up a conversation about the coffee you’re making yourself and even offers you help. You tell him you’re cutting back on caffeine and that’s why you’re adding some decaf, and you can’t help but laugh a little inside when he offers you some cream. But by now, you’re also super confused, since 1) you don’t know this guy, and 2) since people rarely talk to each other outside their social circles, you start to question his intentions. While you’re contemplating this, one of his co-workers greets him, and you slip back to your desk to start your morning.
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
I like rhyming.
ANYWAY, I haven’t gotten a chance to come out to my sister yet. She’s busy with final exams this week, so she’s been studying hard and is a LITTLE stressed out, so I’ve been holding off until later in the week at least, when things settle down for her. Which is fine with me frankly, it gives me some time to mentally prepare myself and think how I want to do this. Might be sort of trivial, since I might just go with the flow, but I’m one of those guys who likes to have a plan and tries to stick with it.
I’m also supposed to be going back to counselling next week, but chances are I’m probably going to cancel the appointment. There’s been a few times where I’ve felt a little down and self-conscious, like during the weekend having to listen to my buddies and their girlfriends make plans and double dates. I’m completely jealous and wish I could be having fun with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I know it’ll happen in time. But anyway, for the most part, I’ve still been (relatively) anxiety-free and happy, so I wouldn’t really have much to talk about in counselling anyway. And besides, each time I’ve gone, I’ve come out of there thinking I need to tell more people, and that hasn’t happened yet. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of doing it, and maybe once I do, I’ll have something to talk about and I’ll need some advice. But until then (probably the new year?), I’ll manage.
In other news, I’m supposed to hang out with my friend Britney tomorrow. She’s the one I “let go” a couple years back, and we really only hang out a few times a year now, so I’m glad that we’re taking the time to go have dinner together, maybe play some video games and chill together like we used to. Although, I’m getting the impression from her texts that things aren’t exactly going smoothly in her life right now, so I might have to put my issues aside for now and just be a pair of ears for her. I’m hoping I’m wrong and everything is okay, but I’ll see.
Last thing: I’m super self-conscious about my taste in music. I’ll listen to just about anything, but I’m mostly a top 40’s, pop, electronic type of guy. I probably feel this way because it’s probably the gayest thing about me, so fuck it, here’s a song:
Carly Rae Jepsen’s a local, and this is her latest that’s been playing on the radio a lot recently. She’s got a bunch of “feel-good” songs that I enjoy, it's a great pick-me-up on those low days. Make sure you watch the ENTIRE video (and not just for the hot guy!), I got a bit of a laugh out of it and hopefully you will too. =)
Monday, 5 December 2011
I thought this deserved its own post, so double the postings tonight. Anyway, in counselling Liz and I discussed my options for dealing with my secret. We came up with three options:
- I keep the secret to myself and continue living my life; after all, I’m not really obligated to tell anyone, but... It’s not really an option in my mind. It’s what I’ve been doing for years, and as you can tell from this blog, this method’s gotten me to great places emotionally.
- Get into a relationship. I thought this was an interesting option, the justification behind it was that I find someone who I can be comfortable around because they accept me for who I am, plus he becomes a valuable support in coming out. Only problem is I’m too truthful and a little too predictable/ritualistic. I don’t like the idea of lying or telling my friends and family to “mind their own business” in order to go see any potential boyfriend, because they’ll know something’s up. It’s easier for them just to know. So it’s really just down to my last option:
- Come out to friends and family...which is what I’ve been struggling to do all along. Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I’ve been making it such a big deal in my head. Liz suggested to just slip it into conversation, which at first seemed like no easy feat. I mean, I’ve lied, faked, gone to counselling and written an anonymous blog over this secret, how am I supposed to not make it a big deal? And then Liz told me how one morning she was making breakfast with her brother, and when she asked who he was out with the night before, he replied “my boyfriend”.
“It’s as easy as that, Matt. You don’t have to make a huge, dramatic speech. People feel as if they have to react to that. Just make it as if it’s a new fact they’re learning about you, and I guarantee it won’t be nearly as big a deal as you think it is.”
I know she’s right, nobody’s really going to be disappointed or scared or upset. Now it’s just a matter of sucking up my fears and going for it. And I may just have to try what she suggested, because really, what do I have to lose doing it that way?
So then I had to decide who I wanted to tell next. At first it was still going to be Brian, but I started to voice my concerns over telling him: since he became an apprentice, he’s developed this “tradesman attitude” which includes a lot of homophobic remarks. He’s my best buddy and I’d love to tell him, but he makes it so difficult sometimes when he says things like “What are you, a homo?”. So then I considered my sister as a backup, and I’m really not sure why I didn’t sooner. I have a lot less to lose: she’s my sister, and she’ll always accept me as her brother, unlike Brian who could *potentially* (but highly unlikely) drop me as a friend. She’s also pretty open-minded and liberal, a bit of an activist for gender equality and gay rights. I feel really silly now writing everything out that I didn’t consider going to her first before, but I still haven’t told anyone yet, so there’s still time to make right on that. Hopefully sometime this week maybe...? =)
Okay, time to play some catch up. I went back to counselling last week, and I’ve got to say it really helped. I’m a lot less anxious, feel a lot more social and I’ve just been more at peace with myself this entire week, which is a nice change. I just feel like I have a plan on where I want to go with my coming out, my relationships and now I’m not so worried about everything. It’s odd though, because all the revelations I’ve made since then aren’t really anything new or ground breaking, they’re things I knew subconsciously, but I suppose I needed the “push” to actually fully realize it.
The most important revelation I made was that I really want(ed?) to be perfect. I want to be everything for everyone. I seem to think I need to be an expert on and have all the same interests and tastes as everyone else. Plus, I thought that any little flaw I see in myself needs fixing, and all these flaws seem to compound, so I can’t move on until everything gets fixed. Confused? Say if I wanted to be more outgoing, I should be more talkative, but being more talkative should mean I’m not obnoxious or conceited...and it goes on. And I started to realize that this is ridiculous; there are 7 billion people in the world, I’m not going to be able to please every single person, so what is the point in stressing about trying to impress and change myself for everyone? Just because I’m not big into sports, or someone else isn’t into cars, doesn’t mean we can’t get along or enjoy each other’s company. I keep reminding myself that people are going to look past my flaws and embrace the other parts of my personality, so I really don’t need to keep “fixing” things. I just really need to be myself.
I’m also starting to relax a little about the Lindsay situation. I think I mentioned I haven’t spoken to Lindsay in a while (probably about 2 months now?), but I never really mentioned why. The last time I spoke to her, I really pissed her off. Short version of what happened is I assumed that she didn’t care about me, when in reality she was busy with dealing with her own problems and I tried to force her into telling me about her problems when she clearly wasn’t comfortable or ready to share. I feel like a jerk now, but at the time I felt like she owed me to tell me all her problems since we were such great friends and I told her my biggest secrets. So because I wanted to reciprocate and be Lindsay’s shoulder to cry on, I ended up pushing her even further away by trying to pry into whatever was bothering her. And now I realize I can’t manipulate and force things out of her (and my other relationships for that matter), it just doesn’t work that way. It still stings a little to not hear from her in so long, and part of me is afraid that she’s not coming back after the way I left things. I let Liz know this and she had this to say:
“She was in love with you, Matt. And now she’s realized that she can never have what she really wants, and that’s got to hurt. So let her go off for a while and lick her wounds, and she’ll be back.”
I hope she’s right. I suppose time will tell...