Part of the reason I decided to try and keep this blog going was because I really don’t have any other outlet to get all these thoughts and feelings out without out-ing myself to my friends. I’m not comfortable enough doing that just yet, plus I’m just not convinced that they would be able to comprehend the fears, neurosis and insecurities. Again, maybe I’m not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but at least this way, I know I can get thoughts about being confused off my chest without being judged or having to deal with the consequences (talking about it, losing their friendship, etc) of my friends knowing my secret. Brave of me, I know.
I wish I had that courage though. The closest gay friend I have is Derek, who I met through Brian back in high school. He’s an awesome guy to be around, I love how he’s so optimistic and cheerful about everything and likes to dream big. Anyway, he’s been out for a few years now (since the end of high school?) and I would say he leans towards the feminine side of the scale. Part of me is sort of eager to talk to him all about what I’ve been going through, what’s in my head, what’s on this blog, hell even just having someone to talk guys with would be cool!
But still, I’m apprehensive about it...I’m curious whether to see if our stories of self-discovery are really any different, but with him a little more on the feminine side I wonder whether that makes a difference in his understanding of what I’m going through. I’d like to assume no, but I’m really not sure. Also, Derek also loves gossip, so I’m not sure if I can trust him just yet. Although, if I were to open up to him, I’d hope we’re good enough friends that he’d be able to understand and respect the magnitude of what I’m sharing with him rather than spread it around. I’d like to believe so, but part of me isn’t so sure, but that may be insecurity speaking.
But still, I’m apprehensive about it...I’m curious whether to see if our stories of self-discovery are really any different, but with him a little more on the feminine side I wonder whether that makes a difference in his understanding of what I’m going through. I’d like to assume no, but I’m really not sure. Also, Derek also loves gossip, so I’m not sure if I can trust him just yet. Although, if I were to open up to him, I’d hope we’re good enough friends that he’d be able to understand and respect the magnitude of what I’m sharing with him rather than spread it around. I’d like to believe so, but part of me isn’t so sure, but that may be insecurity speaking.
But really, other than Derek, where do I go to find people who understand having to hide your personality and being a masculine guy who’s attracted to other guys? A lot like dating, where do I go to meet more guys like myself that could help me through this? I'm probably sounding like a broken record by now, but I'm finding it's just not easy to open myself up and talk about these issues to people, and I guess that's why I've kept going with this blog. It's less risky to open myself up here, there's a lesser chance that people are going to judge me here (although I still catch myself assuming that I will be judged), and I know that it's an easy way of connecting to people that feel the same way. It's a security blanket in a way, and I don't really want to give it up.
Anyway, speaking of friends, I found out this week that I’m “losing” a good friend of mine, Kenny, to a job out in the middle of Alberta. It really sucks, Kenny and I met back in high school, when he was the new kid in town and we got to bond over our love of cars. The kid’s a pretty playful (annoying even?) and vocal dude, but I think that’s what I like about him, he’s not at all like me and he’s not afraid to be himself and say and do whatever he wants to. It’s hard to see a close friend go away like this, but at the same time I understand and I see where he’s coming from. It’s frustrating because I love this city more than anything, the attitudes of people and the culture are amazing and we’re so lucky to have such a beautiful, natural environment out here, but it’s just so ridiculously expensive to live here, and that’s what’s forced a good friend of mine to look elsewhere for work and make a life for himself. And so I certainly don’t blame him for leaving, but I’ll miss the companionship and even though I’m going to try, it’s definitely not going to be as easy to maintain our friendship as it was before.
Anyway, it's a new day, a new week, a fresh slate tomorrow...we'll see how things go this time around.
- Matt
Would I be far off if I guessed that you are a bit averse to change? I ask that because I am too in a lot of ways, and I relate to what you wrote. I dread it when my friends move away, and it took me a long time to talk to anyone about my sexuality confusion because I didn't want the dynamic of any of my relationships to change. I finally got to the point where my fear of remaining stagnant exceeded my fear of rejection, so I told one of my cousins about it. Now I've talked to both of his brothers too (they're my three closest friends). Our relationship is no worse for it. If anything, I feel closer to them. And it gets easier every time I talk to someone. Just take it a step at a time. Figure out who the first person you'd want to talk to is, and focus on doing that. But, if you're not ready, don't pressure yourself into it. It's not cowardly.
ReplyDeleteAs for your gay friend, I'd imagine that he'd be able to relate just fine. Maybe not perfectly, but who could? Everyone's different.