The most important revelation I made was that I really want(ed?) to be perfect. I want to be everything for everyone. I seem to think I need to be an expert on and have all the same interests and tastes as everyone else. Plus, I thought that any little flaw I see in myself needs fixing, and all these flaws seem to compound, so I can’t move on until everything gets fixed. Confused? Say if I wanted to be more outgoing, I should be more talkative, but being more talkative should mean I’m not obnoxious or conceited...and it goes on. And I started to realize that this is ridiculous; there are 7 billion people in the world, I’m not going to be able to please every single person, so what is the point in stressing about trying to impress and change myself for everyone? Just because I’m not big into sports, or someone else isn’t into cars, doesn’t mean we can’t get along or enjoy each other’s company. I keep reminding myself that people are going to look past my flaws and embrace the other parts of my personality, so I really don’t need to keep “fixing” things. I just really need to be myself.
I’m also starting to relax a little about the Lindsay situation. I think I mentioned I haven’t spoken to Lindsay in a while (probably about 2 months now?), but I never really mentioned why. The last time I spoke to her, I really pissed her off. Short version of what happened is I assumed that she didn’t care about me, when in reality she was busy with dealing with her own problems and I tried to force her into telling me about her problems when she clearly wasn’t comfortable or ready to share. I feel like a jerk now, but at the time I felt like she owed me to tell me all her problems since we were such great friends and I told her my biggest secrets. So because I wanted to reciprocate and be Lindsay’s shoulder to cry on, I ended up pushing her even further away by trying to pry into whatever was bothering her. And now I realize I can’t manipulate and force things out of her (and my other relationships for that matter), it just doesn’t work that way. It still stings a little to not hear from her in so long, and part of me is afraid that she’s not coming back after the way I left things. I let Liz know this and she had this to say:
“She was in love with you, Matt. And now she’s realized that she can never have what she really wants, and that’s got to hurt. So let her go off for a while and lick her wounds, and she’ll be back.”
I hope she’s right. I suppose time will tell...
-Matt
"A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." - Charles Schwab.
ReplyDeleteOne of my very favorite quotes because that's always something I have struggled with. Growing up it's almost like I preferred flying below the radar and thus having few close relationships rather than have anyone not like me. Learning you can't please everyone is one of the most important steps to becoming your own person and taking control of your life, I think.
I hope Lindsay comes around too.
P.S., I'm glad counselling is helping!
ReplyDeleteWorking on that too, but that's no news for you haha. Just wanted to say I like that quote B posted here above, didn't know it but it's exactly what I'm learning by trial and (lots of) error.
ReplyDeleteOf course I hope Lindsay comes around, but one thing i learned is you can't force things to be like before. Admitting to you, her best friend, she's actually in love with you took much courage from her and since (for obvious reasons) it's not love in both ways, it must have turned her world upside down. It may sound hard but sometimes it's better for both to split ways. I had to deal with that before, but hope you got more luck and can work it out.