I feel as if I'm pretty fortunate in terms of acceptance of gays: my friends, family and acquaintances are all fairly liberal and educated and I live in a fairly liberal part of the country where there's a whole mix of people from different walks of life, so I feel as if most people I encounter are fairly tolerant of diversity. Well, today I got my first real dose of homophobia, something that wasn't just my buddies fooling around and being stupid. This was serious, brutally honest opposition to homosexuality that I haven't really experienced before and I'm still a little shocked and shook up writing about it.
I have a partner who I share my duties with, Angela, at my summer job. She's a little middle aged Korean lady who really is the sweetest thing ever: she's always looking out for me, taking over tasks from me so I don't have to work so much, offering me snacks and coffee throughout the day, keeping me company and opening up all the office social circles for me. We chat a lot with each other since her desk is next to mine, often with her giving me good life advice. She kind of reminds me of some of my aunts or my grandmother, motherly, yet very affectionate and respectful. She's a funny character and her warmth and kindness makes me smile whenever I'm around her.
Today we got on the subject of marriage, since one of her nephews, whose in school and still reliant on his parents had just married a girl he had fallen head over heels in love with over the weekend at the age of 25 (apparently "too young and very irresponsible of him" says Angela). It ended up where she was expressing her family's disappointment over the whole debacle, when she said "Well, the only way it could be worse was if he was gay". At that moment, my heart just dropped, I was in complete shock.
"Fuck. Please tell me this isn't happening..." I kept thinking. I couldn't believe sweet, little motherly Angela was basically condemning such a big part of me that took so long for me to even get a grasp on and start to accept. I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to listen to the one of the longest 5 minute conversation/rants of my life.
I wish I could remember more of what Angela was saying, but it's a bit of a blur...I was just too in shock and too busy trying to keep my composure, so bear me. She had mentioned how her kids tried to convince her that gays were also humans, nice, decent people as well. She was adamant otherwise however, stating that as a Christian, god forbade gays, that it was immoral and a sin. She kept making a pushing away motion and kept saying "No, I can't stand for that. It's not right..." At one point she had also said that the only people to get married were a man and a woman and how her son had even mentioned that there wasn't anything wrong with gays being together in marriage for love, but she said that marriage should only be for procreation, and that gays wouldn't be able to do that. Her kids further accused her of being old-fashioned, but she didn't care. "It's what god says." Her whole speech ended with this post's title, and she pretended to faint afterwards while saying it. "I would be so disappointed...anyway, it's lunchtime!" And like that, it was over and she was back to the cheerful, laughing and endearing.
It's odd, I'm not really angry at Angela, sure I'm choked and wish she didn't believe that, but under her circumstances, that's what she believes. I believe that our world and who we encounter shapes who we are; maybe if Angela went to another church or had a family member or friend who was gay, things would be different. Or maybe I'm just giving her too much credit, blinded by her kindness.
Regardless, if anything, I'm more mad at myself, and what I did in that situation. I did nothing, I just nodded and smiled throughout the whole thing. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to keep my smile from going to a frown, but yet I don't even know why I did that. I wanted Angela to see the disdain I had for what she was saying, but I couldn't. I was just too afraid of outing myself, afraid of the backlash, labeling against me or the impression that Angela would hold of me had I spoken against her. I should have spoken up, defended myself and others in the gay community, I'm really disappointed with myself now that I didn't. What I really wanted to do was just say to her, "Angela, I'm bi, but what does it matter? I don't care if you think that's wrong, but just let it go. Let me and other queers out there be who we are and let us do what we want. It doesn't effect you, I'm still the same person you know, so why can't you just let it go?". I suppose the one positive I can take out of this is that it proves there are straight allies out there, trying to make a difference for the LGBT community. Kudos to Angela's son and daughter (and all the other straight allies, at that) who tried (and hopefully are still trying) to change the attitudes of those like Angela's towards the gay community.
One last concluding thought to this long ass post. This whole ordeal has also got me thinking about Lindsay. She's been more active in her church and her fellowship, and I don't know what her church's take on homosexuality is. I'd like to know, since she's one of the first I want to know my secret. I did meet her for coffee over the weekend, and tried to approach the subject since it was pride week last week, but somehow we changed the subject. Would knowing that information change whether or not I tell Lindsay? Probably not, because at this point I don't think I could care less if she accepted me or not...I hope our friendship is better than that, but even if it isn't, I'd rather lose 9 years worth of friendship than having to put on a face to a friend for years to come.
Well...I've got nothing else to say but play nice out there guys.
-Matt
Matt,
ReplyDeleteA "true" friend accepts you for everything you are, not just the parts about you that they like (in reference to Lindsay). As for Angela, that situation could be a little rough as it is in a work environment. But if you are comfortable with who you are, let Angelo know you believe her opinion to be wrong. You don't have to 'come out' in order to do so.
Keep the faith,
Scott
Matt,
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up for not saying anything. There is a time and place for everything and at work with a work mate is not necessarily the right place or time. I think you made a good call there. But I also understand your feelings. I was in a similar situation once when my boss ridiculed a gay co-worker. It was before I came out myself and I also did nothing (at the time). Later I came out to him to teach him the lesson that "normal" people are gay too. Doesn't mean we "betrayed" our LGBT family by not reacting immediately.
I'm pretty well "all out" at work now. In fact I really don't care who knows. But I have a coworker like Angela. Very devout. I think he hasn't heard about me yet because I think it would cause a rift between us. He told me one day that he "feels sorry for 'those people'". I decided to have a little (risky) fun with that and said, "how can you do that? You told me that God has a plan for everyone". "Yes", he says "that is certain". "Then", I continued, "that means it is God's will that there are gay people and who are you to judge God?" Well, he got into such a fluster about that. He had no idea how to back out of it. It amused me. Simple victories taken at the right time are way more effective (and satisfying). Some of Angela's problem may be deep rooted in her culture. I have a gay Chinese friend who has given up on his family . . . he tells me there is a very strong homophobic tradition in the "conservative" oriental cultures (his words).
Mike :-)
ps: I agree with Scott's comments about not having to come out to her but take other opportunities to educate her and support the leadership of her children. It may just be best for your relationship (such as it is now) to keep that gem to yourself.