Monday, 23 May 2011

Mind Games

I think most, if not all gays and bisexuals, closeted or not, end up playing mind games with themselves. I guess that’s just a side effect from living in a world where being straight is the norm and you’re essentially condemned for going against that. Maybe where we each differ though, is in how we interpret and react to these pressures and norms held against us. For me, being a closeted bisexual has turned me into a serial liar. You wouldn’t be able to tell (at least I’m hoping) that I’m attracted to guys, and the turmoil and self-doubt that goes along with it simply because I can lie so well. Recently I had a discussion with my friend Lindsay about whether my family would be alright with me dating someone of another ethnicity (I’ll tackle that in another post), in which she “slipped up”, asking me if my grandparents would approve of me dating a white guy. As soon as the words slipped out of her mouth, she buried her face in her hands and burst out laughing at the “absurdity” of her comment (or so she thinks anyway). I played along with the “ridiculousness” of the idea of me being gay and responded with a sigh and a “Lindsay, Lindsay...seriously, what am I going to do with you...?”. It bugs me that my friends can buy the whole “I’m a straight guy” act, simply because they like who I am and how I behave even though that’s not quite the real me. I worry that they won’t like the “out” Matt, even though he really isn’t much different than I am now.

You probably noted the contradiction right there; serial liar who pulls an act in front of his friends, yet says he’ll stay the same. That’s just evidence of how good I’ve gotten at lying and acting, I’m not even sure myself where the real me begins and the lies end. Am I truly caring and altruistic to others, or is that just a facade I’ve created to protect the real me? Is my sense of humour an intrinsic part of me, or is the sarcasm and goofiness a distraction from the fear and insecurities underneath? I’ve really been meaning to write more for this blog (and trust me, I’ve been trying) but honestly, some days it’s just difficult to write because I just can’t feel anything...I feel like a robot. I’ve learned to bottle up my emotions so well that even in times where I want to share what’s going on, I can’t connect to them, can’t find them. Right now, I feel as if everything’s okay, but deep down, I know it isn’t...there’s a lot of fear about the past, present, future. I’m even all right with the whole liking guys, being bisexual thing right why is it that I feel compelled to lie to my friends? Why not just come out? It really shouldn’t be this way; I really need to learn to express myself and be honest.

Bottling up my emotions has only served to create all these walls and obstacles to prevent anyone from seeing what’s going on in my mind. It’s made me more shy and reserved, which I hate mostly because I’ve got thoughts on my mind and things to say, but it’s just become second nature to not say anything just because I don’t want to be exposed for what I am. And with that, I’ve stayed away from a lot of social situations, making new friends, etc. I wonder about how things could be different had I dealt with the sexuality issue earlier in life and how I could express my emotions more fully and where that could have taken me. Maybe I would have had more/better friends? Maybe a killer boyfriend/girlfriend by now? Maybe some good memories of crazy parties with others or something? Who knows. It’s thoughts like that that made me write this blog...I mentioned in my last post about being afraid of not having experienced life enough for the future, but the same is for the past. What have I accomplished in my youth? What could I have accomplished in terms of my social/dating life? Maybe things would be different now? I wish I could say I had no regrets, but I wish I had been more honest with myself instead of denying myself and distracting myself from the real me, then maybe I could have reached my full potential. It feels like I’ve wasted my youth, and now I need to get a move on and experience as much as I can in the next few years. This blog is supposed to maybe finally break that cycle of hiding and acting, so maybe I can open up and finally be myself and get going on enjoying being young.

Reading back to myself, this is pretty vague...I guess I established what being closeted and bi has done to me, but there’s no real explanation of a cause. But like I said, it’s difficult tonight trying to connect to what I’m feeling, I'm drawing a blank. This post probably deserves a followup, and hopefully maybe I can dive a bit deeper into what’s troubling me so bad later this week.


Saturday, 21 May 2011

Where it all began

**Continued from post "Fluidtiy"

My attraction to guys started back in my late childhood/early preteens. At first, beginning puberty, I just chalked it up to fascination, like an interesting science, that guys like myself would get more muscular, deeper voiced, get hair where there was no hair before! :P Once I was about twelve, thirteen I started to realize that it was a little more than that, but I ignored it and distracted myself with typical preteen/teenage activities like finishing my homework quickly to play video games, the mall, hanging out at friends’ houses and the like. It was around 10th grade that kids started dating each other and had boyfriends/girlfriends which made my attraction appear more perverse. I caught myself checking out guys in the hall, admiring their bodies in gym class. I reassured myself it was just jealousy; that it was only because I wanted to be the buff, blond haired, blue-eyed jock. So I did like I had before and covered it up using schoolwork, friends and a straight crush to hide my desires. It was the end of grade 11 or beginning of grade 12 when I realized that there was definitely something “wrong” with me. I had had a dream about a cute male classmate from one of my business classes; I was making out with him, running my fingers through his hair...and then it got pretty explicit (I won’t go into detail...there are better blogs than this for that kind of stuff!). I was turned on, but scared out of my wits because I knew this was something that I thought was disgusting and wrong at the time, and it wasn’t what normal guys fantasized about. So what did I do? I brushed it off of course, focused on getting the grades and courses I needed for university, making money from my part-time job to blow on clothes, food, electronics and hanging out with friends. And largely, that’s what I’ve done up until I acknowledged my bisexuality, is push my feelings down and distracting myself from my attraction to guys through dedicating myself to other activities. From that, I’ve pushed myself away from other people, from certain social interactions and situations. Clearly there’s more depth to that issue, but I’m sort of tired and somewhat mellowed out (instead of depressed and ranty) to spill about that today. Anyway, up until my recent realization that I am at least bi, like most bi/gay guys who feel attraction to men, I always thought it was just a phase, that I would get over it and things would be alright for me.

But now I feel as if I’ve waited long enough for this “phase” to be over. I’m 22 years old and have never dated or had a relationship, kissed someone, had sex (that’s right, I’m a virgin...I can’t believe this is on the internet...), and have got friends that have had multiple relationships, plenty of sexual experience and even some that have gotten married. I feel like I’ve waited too long for my sexuality to make itself clear and now I’m in some sort of rush to get going on my love life. That’s another reason why I wonder if I’m really bisexual, whether I’ve just declared myself that so I can get going on getting into the dating world; perhaps I’m really gay and haven’t taken the time to realize it. It scares me that I’ve gotten myself into this predicament. Again, like a lot of guys, I always wanted that white picket fence, 3 kids, hot wife, 2 dogs (still kinda do, actually). I wanted to start that relatively young, like 28, because I don’t want to be old and not be able to relate with my kids (I want to be the cool dad :P). But I haven’t even been able to open myself up to anyone and waited endlessly for my sexuality to point me in some sort of direction and it’s as if it’s put me at a disadvantage. So now that dream seems to be slipping away because I’ll need a few years to build that relationship (say 3 years at the very least?), which puts me at 25. Which then means I have less than three years (and quickly counting down) to figure out who I am, have fun, drink, party and maybe be a slut to make up for all the time I wasted in high school distracting myself. It scares me and pisses me off at the same time that the dream is drifting away, because it seemed so cozy and it’s partly what I wanted, but I have to come to the realization that it’s probably not going to be perfect like that for me on account of my sexuality and definitely not on the timeline I wanted because I suppressed my issues and lied to myself.

Anyway, now you’re caught up in my bisexual/dating/sex/lack thereof life. I’ll probably making a few additions and explanations to what I’ve said here along the way, and you’ve got a taste of what emotional barriers and mechanisms I put up. There’s probably more, but that’s another post. Lastly, I could use some feedback on my writing; I’m used to stuffy academic writing, so I’ve tried to go for a more casual tone, but I’m hoping not at the expense of grammar and clarity. Thanks!



I suppose I should explain myself more, at least in terms of my sexuality. For now, I’m a bisexual, but I feel as if that’s still up in the air (more on that further down). For years (and even still), I’ve had no clue where my desires were going, even day-to-day. There are some days where I would gladly take the cute blond guy walking his dog at the park, and other days I have to pry my attention off of the cute brunette chick whose sat herself down next to me on the bus. Other days, I’ll walk down the hall at school and steal a glance at the approaching hottie in a cute blouse, but before she passes, I can’t help but check out the muscles that are hinting from underneath her boyfriend’s t-shirt too. It’s frustrating because I wish my mind would settle on one or the other and make it easy for myself to decide which one I chase after, instead of fucking with my head and switching back and forth.

Generally, I find myself more attracted guys a bit more than I am to girls. If we wanted to put numbers on it, I would estimate about 60 to 70% gay, 30 to 40% straight? But again, let me emphasize: THIS CHANGES DAY-TO-DAY. I could be 100% straight one day or 100% gay the next, or maybe somewhere in between. It gets even more confusing since I have preferences based on emotional and physical attraction. From a physical standpoint, I’m more attracted to guys. There’s something about a chistled body, square jaw, little bit of scruff that gets me going. I think I’m also under the impression that guys tend to be more carnal in bed, or maybe that’s my own urges speaking. ANYWAY. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the female body because I do (thank you booty shorts!), but there’s something about the guys that one ups the girls. Maybe I’ll figure that out along the way. From an emotional stand point, I prefer women. This is me speculating again (perhaps incorrectly) that girls just tend to be more open and emotional, which I think I need to loosen up and share what’s going on inside of my head. Nothing against the guys, since I could see (and want) myself with someone who could do that for me, but I’m just under that impression that we’re all supposed to bottle up our emotions and not show weakness, something that isn’t conducive to my emotional attachment to a person. Or perhaps it’s residue from being socialized to be straight that I’m a little uneasy with the idea of a guy fawning over me or whining about why we don’t see each other enough. I don’t know. Is it becoming clear that I think too much? And that that probably contributes to why I’m so fucked up and confused? Ugh, reading this section back makes me sound like such a shallow horndog, but I suppose that’s partly true (the horndog part anyway)...okay, sorry! Let’s move onto something that’s a little more substantial and emotional.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

A New Beginning?

Hey there and welcome to my blog! Like so many others, I have spent the last little reading blogs about the thoughts and tribulations of other closeted gay and bisexual young guys like myself, and felt inspired to express my own thoughts, feelings, musings and random happenings that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise in real life.

So who am I? Well, in short, my name is Matt. I'm a 22 year old university student and I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada. I'm pretty shy and reserved, but I can be pretty playful and childish once you crack me. As you've probably guessed from my blog name, I'm a pretty big car guy :) I love driving, detailing and looking at cars. I'm happiest on a sunny day, sunroof open, radio blaring, driving down to get food with family or friends. I'm also a bit of a dork, I like my video games, being on the computer and finding random stuff on the internet. But I also like to get out and do some hiking, running and volleyball when the weather's nice (stupid Vancouver weather...)

...but you know what, that's what most people that come into contact with me see. What they don't see, and what you'll realize here, is that I'm a pretty confused, troubled, insecure young man. I've questioned myself as to who I really am and the answer to that is "I really don't know". I've recently come to terms (somewhat anyway) with my sexuality after struggling with my attraction to guys for several years. It's probably a large part of why I try and hide or cover myself up from other people, as I'm afraid of what that says about me as a person, about what I say and what I do. I don't really want to put a label on my sexuality, largely because it's hard to pin down. I don't know if I'm a case of "bi now, gay later" or whether I'll eventually swing towards women, since my tendencies tend to change day-to-day. For the sake of me not having to write this out every time, I'll identify as bisexual. I'm putting this out there because I've gotten tired of lying to myself and other people and having to put on a mask to fit in and maintain a straight guy persona. I'm also tired of having to shut down or put up barriers every time someone gets remotely close to me out of fear and paranoia as to what they may think of the real me. I want to feel as if I can just let myself go and tell the world how I’m feeling, but the secret I hold and the way I’ve been socialized makes that extremely difficult.

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell; stay tuned for more on me and my search to figure out just who I am. For now, take it easy and be yourselves guys!