I’ve been struggling the last few days whether or not to post this up, but I think I need to because I am just at a complete loss at how to deal with this.
Before I left dropping Lindsay off at her place on Sunday, she handed me a letter to read when I was alone. This is what it said:
Dear Matt,
It’s weird for me to be writing you a letter when not 30 minutes ago that you dropped me off. I don’t know if or when I’ll send you this letter. Maybe you’ll never see this letter and I’m just venting here. Not sure if you remember, but today is, or was, the day you told me about all the cans of worms that you have been guarding. Honestly, when you told me that you might like guys and I just started crying, I have no idea why...or maybe I do...not sure. I guess it just felt like my heart was breaking because either:
- I still like you “that” way in a small part of me, OR
- I began to harbour feelings for you again without me knowing/realizing...who knows right?
I mean, I still don’t know. Maybe that as I’m still writing this letter, I’m still in shock because my mind is still blank and I’m still rambling. For one second right now, I think to myself, “Has or will Matt like me “that” way?” But at the same time, I find myself foolish for thinking this and writing it down. It’s been forever since I wrote in my diary and I guess this is one way to help me digest. This is my first and maybe not my last letter, who knows right? But in the end just know this – I accept you and I still love you as you are.
With love,
Lindsay
Up until coming out to Lindsay, I started to become more and more convinced that I was gay. Now that she’s revealed some of her true feelings, it’s made me re-evaluate my sexuality again, because you know what? I have some feelings for her too. I like that I can be almost completely honest and open with her about everything, and she makes me feel happy by responding to my emotions and giving me reassurance. I like that I don’t have to hide and lie and deny myself for her anymore. But I’m just not physically attracted to her, and I know if I could get those same things from a guy, that’s probably the way I would lean. I don’t know what to do...I could tell her the truth and raise her hopes of ever being together with me, but I can’t promise her that I won’t fall for a guy that I’m both physically and emotionally attracted to, and that’s going to hurt her, bad. I’m scared that if I do that, I’m going to lose her. And other than the people following this blog, I have no one else to go to, so I need her still and lying to her becomes an attractive option once again.
And now I’m just pissed off that I’m perpetuating every stereotype of a bisexual guy. I can’t choose and I can’t promise I won’t be attracted to someone else just because I’m more physically attracted to one gender over the other. I wish I could go one way or the other and make Lindsay’s (and my own) uncertainties disappear. I hate the idea that I might be scaring off any gay guy or straight girl from ever being with a bisexual because of how I feel, but that’s the reality of it all. And it sucks.
Lindsay asked if I read the letter the other night and I told her I had. It doesn’t exactly feel like the right choice telling her that, but lying or hiding from the topic will surely get me to great places. I sense that she wants to talk about it too, but I told her I’m still digesting this, and that we’d talk about it later. So here I am now, trying to draw up a game plan. Do I:
B) Lie about how I actually feel about her , or
C) Avoid it and keep putting it off.
This is so fucked up. What do I do guys? Coming out to another one of my friends or my sister or somebody has crossed my mind more and more just so I can get this off my mind and help me make this decision, I’m that desperate.
Don't beat yourself up about portraying a negative stereotype. I really don't think what you're experiencing is a "bisexual thing." You're afraid that after you entered into a relationship with her, someone else will come along that you find more attractive. How is that not a concern for straight people? That, in itself, doesn't seem like a reason to avoid a relationship. There could always be someone better. Life is full of uncertainties, as I am increasingly learning.
ReplyDeleteThe lack of physical attraction might be more of a problem. I'm sure opinions probably differ as to whether pursuing a romantic relationship when physical attraction is lacking is a good idea or not. On the one hand, physical attraction can fade in the long run and a relationship needs to run deeper than that. On the other hand, it seems to be pretty darn important for a whole lot of people. It depends on the values of both people, I guess. But I wouldn't advise entering into a serious relationship if you can't be completely honest with your partner about your feelings.
As for your options, let me reword them:
A) Honest, but really difficult and scary
B) Dishonest, but perhaps safer and easier
C) Not an option, just a deferral. Will have to choose A or B eventually.
Or maybe there's other options you haven't considered? Maybe saying you don't want to risk your friendship? Cliche, I know. Or maybe just say that you care deeply for her, but you're really not ready for a relationship right now, as you're trying to figure things out.
Full disclosure: I have zero relationship experience, so take my advice with a grain of salt. Hang in there, it will work out!
Some years ago, just before I came out, I went on a campingtrip to Sweden, with 7 other young people I didn't know before.
ReplyDeleteOne of them was a girl a became instant soulmates with. It felt like I had always known her, we had the same thoughts, laughed with the same silly things, listened to the same music, liked the same activities, slept in the same tent (where nothing happened of course lol)... It felt like the best friend I had never had. I started thinking maybe I wasn't gay? I definitely could have lived together with her...
BUT, I didn't feel any physical attraction to her. I couldn't even image ever having sex with her (or any other women).
Back home I got a letter one day... a loveletter from her. She told she felt more than friendship and missed me, and wanted to be lovers. I remember freaking out completely cause I didn't expect this, and reading the letter over and over. I had to make a choice: living a lie with her, or admit to myself I was gay. It was a hard choice because I felt if she would've been a guy I was in love with her for sure. Finally I send her a letter back telling I was gay but I really could see me living with her except for the sex part. Of course she was shocked, but she came over to the city where I studied to talk all things out. She had an older brother who was gay too (but rather effeminate) and never expected I was one too lol. She was the first person I came out to.
I think the decision was that hard because it felt like a wasted chance on a living that SEEMED to be good. But looking back now, I doubt if it may have worked. I think there would have been a lot of frustration from both sides after a while. I never regretted coming out later and I'm happy with my bf a long time now.
I know my story is a little different of yours, cause it's your best friend you know for a long time in your case which makes things even more difficult, but I hope you can take this as a good advice.
Grts
I think you have to be honest with her. If you aren't and you do find someone else who you are attracted to she is gone as well. I think she has feelings for you and you don't have those same type of feelings for her. I hate that you are faced with this but I think this is part of the growing up process... Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteIt took guts for her to write that letter. Even if you can't love her in the way she hopes, you need to respect her for it.
ReplyDeleteThat's it. I have no magic words to ease the discomfort. But, I enjoy the blog, too. Keep writing. It's good.
Oh, also, if you ever need to bounce an idea or chat, I'll listen.
ReplyDelete