"Great having a chance to talk, dude"

This week I’ve spent some time mending relationships by hanging out with The Guys and chatting with them on Skype during the week. It’s not that I’ve really had any bad blood between any of them, but I’ve pulled back from them in recent years. Part of it is because I’m sort of intimidated by them, they’re all pretty masculine guys who are into sports and other stereotypical “guy” things that I’m not really into, so I hold back since I don’t want to sound wimpy or stupid. Maybe I’m slowly getting better, but I realized that there’s more to them than just talking about sports and video games and put my thoughts aside and took the effort to reconnect with them.

Part of the reason I’ve been brought back together with The Guys is because of this group of girls we met a few weeks back through Danny and his girlfriend. They’re really awesome, down to earth girls who aren’t really the partying, hard drinking type, but would rather go explore the city and go on an adventure, just like us. Out of this group, there is a set of twins that our other friends are trying to set Nate and myself up with. I appreciate the gesture from my friends, but I just feel like I’m being put in that awkward position of lying and telling half-truths to pretend I’m interested in them. Well, not to say I’m not into them, but I’m just not into them in THAT way. They make really cool friends, which is great, but I’m not sure if they want me in that group as something more. Nate’s been seeing his twin, and I’m not sure if the two of them keep inviting me out with them to set me up with the other twin/as a double date or whether they just like me as a friend whose personality and values match theirs. I mean, the four of us did go out Saturday night with a bunch of our friends to a bar, but then today it was just the twins, Nate and I going kayaking (??). It’s just a little unsettling for me because I don’t want to lead anybody on, but I really don’t know what to do to figure out my role in the group, other than to come out to them, which isn’t going to happen just yet.

Since Nate and I have been hanging out with these girls, we’ve kind of gotten to hang out and get to know each other too. It’s really unusual, although really endearing, because out of the three guys, I probably know the least about Nate, and vice versa. On the way back from dropping the twins off, Nate and I had a pretty intimate conversation about our friends, our families, our jobs. Apparently we have a lot in common in those respects, but we just never realized it because we just never hung out together. I never felt comfortable hanging out with Nate, just the two of us, so being able to open up to him and be better friends with the guy is progress for me, which I’m pretty happy about. 

In other news, lately I’ve been thinking more and more that I might be gay over bi. I don’t really haven’t really had any sort of physical or sexual attraction to a girl in a while, and add to that being closer with my buddies and other bloggers have made me realize that I can open up to guys. It’s really tempting to just try and jump into a relationship as a sort of “test” just to figure things out, but I think I’ve got a bit more work to do on my self-perception and confidence before I can even make it there. 

I’ve also been contemplating coming out to my best buddy Brian this week too. We’ve got a pretty long history and he’s the one I used to go to share secrets and get advice. Aside from Lindsay, he’s the one that probably knows me best, and I’d love to tell him about this whole “setup with a twin” situation and how awkward it is, amongst a whole load of other things. Sucks though because I was hoping to tell him in person, but he’s out of town indefinitely for work. I suppose Skype is better than texting or IMs.  

I feel kind of silly, but I really am pumped about counselling this week. I’d love to hear Liz’s take on all this, and whatever advice she can give me. So look forward to hearing about that from me this week. Until then...

-Matt