Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Lindsay's Letter

I’ve been struggling the last few days whether or not to post this up, but I think I need to because I am just at a complete loss at how to deal with this. 

Before I left dropping Lindsay off at her place on Sunday, she handed me a letter to read when I was alone. This is what it said:
Dear Matt,

It’s weird for me to be writing you a letter when not 30 minutes ago that you dropped me off. I don’t know if or when I’ll send you this letter. Maybe you’ll never see this letter and I’m just venting here. Not sure if you remember, but today is, or was, the day you told me about all the cans of worms that you have been guarding. Honestly, when you told me that you might like guys and I just started crying, I have no idea why...or maybe I do...not sure. I guess it just felt like my heart was breaking because either:

  1. I still like you “that” way in a small part of me, OR
  2. I began to harbour feelings for you again without me knowing/realizing...who knows right?

I mean, I still don’t know. Maybe that as I’m still writing this letter, I’m still in shock because my mind is still blank and I’m still rambling. For one second right now, I think to myself, “Has or will Matt like me “that” way?” But at the same time, I find myself foolish for thinking this and writing it down. It’s been forever since I wrote in my diary and I guess this is one way to help me digest. This is my first and maybe not my last letter, who knows right? But in the end just know this – I accept you and I still love you as you are.

With love,

Sunday, 25 September 2011

She Gets It (Part 2)

I felt great about coming out last night, but after today, I’m a little more melancholy with the whole situation. When I picked Lindsay up this morning, you could sense a little awkwardness in the air. We acted like nothing happened, made small talk and I dropped her off at school.

It was still like this when I picked her up again later in the afternoon. It wasn’t till I parked the car and we tried to discuss things again that the mood changed. It was different from last night, Lindsay seemed a lot more annoyed and angry at me as we discussed why I had dropped that bombshell on her last night. Neither of us knew how to feel, or what to say. She wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how, she didn’t understand how I felt and blamed herself for contributing to me having to lie to her. I couldn’t even begin to tell her how I felt either... I didn’t even know, and I told her that I’ve gotten too good at lying and suppressing my emotions, so how could I tell her what I was feeling?

The Biggest Can of Worms (Part 1)

Every out-gay guy has one...a coming out story. I wrote mine over two posts, this post (Part 1), tells what happened last night (Sept. 24th) and Part 2 tells today’s (Sept. 25th) follow-up.

Honestly, the days leading up to last night, the 24th of September, were just absolute hell. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where thoughts of suicide were ever stronger. Here’s a list of problems (which I owe to myself to delve into deeper later) that compounded into a depression that made me feel alone, angry, sad and everything in between:

- Lack of communication between The Guys
- Lack of communication between my dad
- General lack of communication (seeing a trend here...)
- My educational and career future
- Kenny’s moving away
- Ill grandparents
- And of course, the big secret.

I just couldn’t stand it anymore, so I called the only person I thought I ask to go for coffee and get some of the burden off my chest. Lindsay was pretty busy with other things, but I was pretty pushy and desperate, so she accepted anyway. We started talking about the usual stuff, school, and then work. That lead to me venting my feelings about what’s going on with my job and me returning to school, and Lindsay quickly picked up that there was a reason why I was so pushy and insistent about going for coffee. So she listened, comforted me and offered advice as I vented about each of the problems above (except for the big one of course), referring to each as “a can of worms”.

It's official...

...I outed myself, and even though I'm still in shock and a little numb that I did it, I'm feeling pretty good.

Lindsay and I ended up having coffee tonight, and I just let everything on my mind loose. When it came to revealing my biggest secret, it didn't go exactly as planned (she got a little upset, long story), but it worked out and I basically covered all my feelings that I've put out here on my blog (and some I haven't, but I will get to those!)

Anyway, I've got most of my thoughts about tonight down, but I'll be writing more tomorrow since I'm exhausted and really need to get to bed. And since I kinda messed with Lindsay's plans tonight (she had things to do and she has to get up early), I'll be driving her to a class in the morning and we'll probably be talking in the car, and during the day again, so I got that too..


I really do feel on top of the world right now...

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Good Company

Part of the reason I decided to try and keep this blog going was because I really don’t have any other outlet to get all these thoughts and feelings out without out-ing myself to my friends. I’m not comfortable enough doing that just yet, plus I’m just not convinced that they would be able to comprehend the fears, neurosis and insecurities. Again, maybe I’m not giving them the benefit of the doubt, but at least this way, I know I can get thoughts about being confused off my chest without being judged or having to deal with the consequences (talking about it, losing their friendship, etc) of my friends knowing my secret. Brave of me, I know.  

I wish I had that courage though. The closest gay friend I have is Derek, who I met through Brian back in high school. He’s an awesome guy to be around, I love how he’s so optimistic and cheerful about everything and likes to dream big. Anyway, he’s been out for a few years now (since the end of high school?) and I would say he leans towards the feminine side of the scale. Part of me is sort of eager to talk to him all about what I’ve been going through, what’s in my head, what’s on this blog, hell even just having someone to talk guys with would be cool!

Monday, 5 September 2011

Take Two

Hey guys,

I took a little break from blogging just to reevaluate what I wanted to do here. A lot of the time I wasn't sure what to put here, or how it was going to help me. I've realized that I've got this irrational idea in my head that talking about myself makes me conceited and that my problems and thoughts aren't important, so I keep things to myself. Crazy, right? It's ridiculous, but even with the anonymity of the internet, I kind of cared what I was putting out there and how that might be interpreted, so I found myself censoring some of what I wrote. It might be in part because I was worried about somebody finding me out or maybe it's just because in my crazy mind I didn't want to come off as egotistical. But anyway, with that being said, I'm going to keep at it and give it another shot.

So what's been going on the last month with me?