I thought this deserved its own post, so double the postings tonight. Anyway, in counselling Liz and I discussed my options for dealing with my secret. We came up with three options:
- I keep the secret to myself and continue living my life; after all, I’m not really obligated to tell anyone, but... It’s not really an option in my mind. It’s what I’ve been doing for years, and as you can tell from this blog, this method’s gotten me to great places emotionally.
- Get into a relationship. I thought this was an interesting option, the justification behind it was that I find someone who I can be comfortable around because they accept me for who I am, plus he becomes a valuable support in coming out. Only problem is I’m too truthful and a little too predictable/ritualistic. I don’t like the idea of lying or telling my friends and family to “mind their own business” in order to go see any potential boyfriend, because they’ll know something’s up. It’s easier for them just to know. So it’s really just down to my last option:
- Come out to friends and family...which is what I’ve been struggling to do all along. Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I’ve been making it such a big deal in my head. Liz suggested to just slip it into conversation, which at first seemed like no easy feat. I mean, I’ve lied, faked, gone to counselling and written an anonymous blog over this secret, how am I supposed to not make it a big deal? And then Liz told me how one morning she was making breakfast with her brother, and when she asked who he was out with the night before, he replied “my boyfriend”.
“It’s as easy as that, Matt. You don’t have to make a huge, dramatic speech. People feel as if they have to react to that. Just make it as if it’s a new fact they’re learning about you, and I guarantee it won’t be nearly as big a deal as you think it is.”
I know she’s right, nobody’s really going to be disappointed or scared or upset. Now it’s just a matter of sucking up my fears and going for it. And I may just have to try what she suggested, because really, what do I have to lose doing it that way?
So then I had to decide who I wanted to tell next. At first it was still going to be Brian, but I started to voice my concerns over telling him: since he became an apprentice, he’s developed this “tradesman attitude” which includes a lot of homophobic remarks. He’s my best buddy and I’d love to tell him, but he makes it so difficult sometimes when he says things like “What are you, a homo?”. So then I considered my sister as a backup, and I’m really not sure why I didn’t sooner. I have a lot less to lose: she’s my sister, and she’ll always accept me as her brother, unlike Brian who could *potentially* (but highly unlikely) drop me as a friend. She’s also pretty open-minded and liberal, a bit of an activist for gender equality and gay rights. I feel really silly now writing everything out that I didn’t consider going to her first before, but I still haven’t told anyone yet, so there’s still time to make right on that. Hopefully sometime this week maybe...? =)
-Matt
Yeah, if you're sister's liberal and all she'd be a good choice.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I feel about that whole "drop it casually in conversation" thing. I understand why she'd say not to treat it like it's a big deal . . . but it kinda is, haha. I wouldn't go so far as to give a "huge, dramatic speech" though, either. Just a talk, like a "There's something I want to tell you" kind of talk. That's personally what I would want someone to do with me, the casual mention would just confuse me ("Wait, what did he just say? Was I supposed to already know that?")
Your call of course, just my 2 cents :-) Good luck man.
I'm sure slipping it into the conversation is a good way to come out to random friends, coworkers, relatives,etc. you're not that close with, like in a further stage of the coming out process. I still do it that way, because coming out never stops, there's always new people who don't know 'it', but as they are new (or not that close), they wont see it as a blame you give no further explanation unless they ask for it.
ReplyDeleteOf course you don't have to do a dramatic speech, not for anybody, but for your parents, best friends, sisters and brothers, it might need a little more discussion/explanation/talk. For them, slipping it into the conversation is a good start, but be sure to pick a good moment, with not too many people around, when they're somewhat relaxed (when your mom is cooking for christmas is not a good idea) and with some time available to talk about it (not when they have to leave for work within 5min). Because, when you say something like 'With X, my bf' when they ask you who you were talking to on the phone, there's no way parents/sisters/etc will just say 'oh right, see you tonight, there's pizza for dinner'. And if you're honest, that's not exactly what you're hoping for I guess, I guess you want them to ask some things or at least show some interest.
For what it's worth, this was my coming out conversation with my parents/brothers (they were all eating in the kitchen as I was leaving):
Mom: why are you going out in Ghent tonight, you never go out in Ghent on weekends, only during week (I was on rooms there during week). I prefer you go out here, so you don't have to drive. It's the third weekend in row you're going there and I don't like it.
Me: (out of the garage, pulling on my shoes)(silence)
Mom: Maybe you have to see someone special?
Me: (silence - heard my brothers joke about who)
Mom: What's her name?
Me: (slammed the door and drove away)
---then instead of partying we talked about coming out the whole night in my bf's car, me worrying about what had to come the whole time. But my decision was made. Then next morning while eating breakfast I came out---
Me: Aren't you curious about the name anymore?
Mom: So it is true, what's her name?
Me: His name.
Mom: Ah, that's why you were in such a hurry to leave yesterday. So then, what's his name?
Me: x (put bf's name here)
Then we had the whole 'why didn't you tell that before-for how long do you know you're into guys-how is your bf-when will we meet him-do you have sex (mom!)- what kind of sex (mom!!!)-be sure to use condoms when it comes to that' talk.
But I'm thinking how you could slip it into the conversation if you're not going for option 2. Because that's what I did, and what Liz' brother did, so you can refer to a boyfriend, because people ask about girlfriends, who you go out, who you were talking with all the time, but they don't often talk about being gay or something related, so what else can you slip in than 'I'm gay' or 'I'm into guys'?
btw don't confuse 'slipping it into the conversation' with hinting. Because straight people never get those hints even if they're quite obvious for you.
Anyways good luck and make us proud!
First, you have a great blog and I think you should keep on blogging.
ReplyDelete2nd, I once had someone say to me, jokingly and half-insultingly, "What?! Are you gay?!"
I said, "Yeah." And that was that. Of course, I'd already come out a few times before that so it was bit easier, not easy though, just easier.
3rd, I came out to my sister by prepping myself. We went out to a movie. We ate dinner. She sat beside me in the car and with each passing mile, I told myself, "now. now. now." Needless to say, "now" didn't come until I just let it out.
"I'm gay."
And she cried more than I did...it's one of the hardest thing in the world to come out, but inside, you'll realize that you can overcome it, that you're just as tough as your problems, and a few years, even a few days after you do come out, you'll think back, "man, I did all that once, time to go do other stuff."
It's an amazing feeling, I know you have the courage to have that feeling.
PS. I've accumulated some of my personal coming out stories on my blog: underduhrainbows.blogspot.com
check it out if you need advice.
Matt - I think option 3 is your best choice. Any past denials will be quickly forgotten. I don't want to sound mean but your bestie will benefit by you cojming out to him. I "outed" muyself to several people (like my boss) becasue I heard them be intolerant. Let me tell you, they soon changed their tune. In fact my current boss, who has never met my BF Bill is coming to our Christmas party at Bill's house next weekend. Your friend needs a good gay role model so he can counteract the BS he hears at work.
ReplyDeleteYou have something that many people don't have and that is Liz! She will be an awesome support system for you.
Best of luck!