Where it all began

**Continued from post "Fluidtiy"

My attraction to guys started back in my late childhood/early preteens. At first, beginning puberty, I just chalked it up to fascination, like an interesting science, that guys like myself would get more muscular, deeper voiced, get hair where there was no hair before! :P Once I was about twelve, thirteen I started to realize that it was a little more than that, but I ignored it and distracted myself with typical preteen/teenage activities like finishing my homework quickly to play video games, the mall, hanging out at friends’ houses and the like. It was around 10th grade that kids started dating each other and had boyfriends/girlfriends which made my attraction appear more perverse. I caught myself checking out guys in the hall, admiring their bodies in gym class. I reassured myself it was just jealousy; that it was only because I wanted to be the buff, blond haired, blue-eyed jock. So I did like I had before and covered it up using schoolwork, friends and a straight crush to hide my desires. It was the end of grade 11 or beginning of grade 12 when I realized that there was definitely something “wrong” with me. I had had a dream about a cute male classmate from one of my business classes; I was making out with him, running my fingers through his hair...and then it got pretty explicit (I won’t go into detail...there are better blogs than this for that kind of stuff!). I was turned on, but scared out of my wits because I knew this was something that I thought was disgusting and wrong at the time, and it wasn’t what normal guys fantasized about. So what did I do? I brushed it off of course, focused on getting the grades and courses I needed for university, making money from my part-time job to blow on clothes, food, electronics and hanging out with friends. And largely, that’s what I’ve done up until I acknowledged my bisexuality, is push my feelings down and distracting myself from my attraction to guys through dedicating myself to other activities. From that, I’ve pushed myself away from other people, from certain social interactions and situations. Clearly there’s more depth to that issue, but I’m sort of tired and somewhat mellowed out (instead of depressed and ranty) to spill about that today. Anyway, up until my recent realization that I am at least bi, like most bi/gay guys who feel attraction to men, I always thought it was just a phase, that I would get over it and things would be alright for me.

But now I feel as if I’ve waited long enough for this “phase” to be over. I’m 22 years old and have never dated or had a relationship, kissed someone, had sex (that’s right, I’m a virgin...I can’t believe this is on the internet...), and have got friends that have had multiple relationships, plenty of sexual experience and even some that have gotten married. I feel like I’ve waited too long for my sexuality to make itself clear and now I’m in some sort of rush to get going on my love life. That’s another reason why I wonder if I’m really bisexual, whether I’ve just declared myself that so I can get going on getting into the dating world; perhaps I’m really gay and haven’t taken the time to realize it. It scares me that I’ve gotten myself into this predicament. Again, like a lot of guys, I always wanted that white picket fence, 3 kids, hot wife, 2 dogs (still kinda do, actually). I wanted to start that relatively young, like 28, because I don’t want to be old and not be able to relate with my kids (I want to be the cool dad :P). But I haven’t even been able to open myself up to anyone and waited endlessly for my sexuality to point me in some sort of direction and it’s as if it’s put me at a disadvantage. So now that dream seems to be slipping away because I’ll need a few years to build that relationship (say 3 years at the very least?), which puts me at 25. Which then means I have less than three years (and quickly counting down) to figure out who I am, have fun, drink, party and maybe be a slut to make up for all the time I wasted in high school distracting myself. It scares me and pisses me off at the same time that the dream is drifting away, because it seemed so cozy and it’s partly what I wanted, but I have to come to the realization that it’s probably not going to be perfect like that for me on account of my sexuality and definitely not on the timeline I wanted because I suppressed my issues and lied to myself.

Anyway, now you’re caught up in my bisexual/dating/sex/lack thereof life. I’ll probably making a few additions and explanations to what I’ve said here along the way, and you’ve got a taste of what emotional barriers and mechanisms I put up. There’s probably more, but that’s another post. Lastly, I could use some feedback on my writing; I’m used to stuffy academic writing, so I’ve tried to go for a more casual tone, but I’m hoping not at the expense of grammar and clarity. Thanks!

-Matt