Confronting my Sexuality

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a looooong time, and now that it’s been nearly a year since this story happened, I figured now is a better time than any to finally write it. There was one defining moment when I started to question my sexuality, and this is it.

Around this time last year, there was a lot going on, a lot of things that brought out a bunch of my insecurities and fears. Friends were graduating university, others were fully-employed and independent, even more were in healthy, long-term relationships and some were out partying, going on crazy trips overseas and enjoying their twenties. And then there was me, about to turn 22, still in school for a while yet, no real job and living at home, too afraid of people judging me to go out and enjoy myself, and definitely way too closeted to have a “girlfriend” or any sort of relationship. 

Lindsay's Letter

I’ve been struggling the last few days whether or not to post this up, but I think I need to because I am just at a complete loss at how to deal with this. 

Before I left dropping Lindsay off at her place on Sunday, she handed me a letter to read when I was alone. This is what it said:

 

Dear Matt,

It’s weird for me to be writing you a letter when not 30 minutes ago that you dropped me off. I don’t know if or when I’ll send you this letter. Maybe you’ll never see this letter and I’m just venting here. Not sure if you remember, but today is, or was, the day you told me about all the cans of worms that you have been guarding. Honestly, when you told me that you might like guys and I just started crying, I have no idea why...or maybe I do...not sure. I guess it just felt like my heart was breaking because either:

1. I still like you “that” way in a small part of me, OR
2. I began to harbour feelings for you again without me knowing/realizing...who knows right?

I mean, I still don’t know. Maybe that as I’m still writing this letter, I’m still in shock because my mind is still blank and I’m still rambling. For one second right now, I think to myself, “Has or will Matt like me “that” way?” But at the same time, I find myself foolish for thinking this and writing it down. It’s been forever since I wrote in my diary and I guess this is one way to help me digest. This is my first and maybe not my last letter, who knows right? But in the end just know this – I accept you and I still love you as you are.

With love,

Lindsay

"Use Your Words, Dammit!"

My sister Diana was the one that said that to me once when I was using one word answers and being vague in answering how my day went. Granted, I’ve never been a great communicator, but sometimes it’s more than that.

Lately I’ve just felt like a robot, like I’m just operating in life without any sort of thought or emotion about anything that’s going on around me. I seriously don’t know what I’m feeling some days; it’s as if there’s nothing there, like my whole mind is just numb. I couldn’t express what I’m feeling even if I wanted to because I don’t really care or have a thought about anything, and this makes it really difficult to talk with people.