Telling Danny

“I guess I should put Danny in the loop, shouldn’t I?”

Both Nate & Brian nodded silently.

“Do you know why I bought cough drops tonight?”

“Because you have mono?” Danny asked, concerned.

“Uh...no. It’s because I didn’t want to hack through me telling you that I’m gay.”

It’s sucked not being able to tell Danny since us Guys are pretty close and he’s been the odd man out the last few weeks, but he lives in the city and has a pretty active social life, so it’s been difficult getting a chance to. But since we were getting together in the suburbs on one of the last days of his midterm break, I was going to go for it because I knew my next chance wasn’t going to be for a while.

So after dinner and purposely picking up cough drops to fight this stupid cough I’ve had all week so I could tell him, I just went for it. He seemed sort of perplexed at first, but proud of me for telling him. I think he was (and still is?) sort of unsure where the boundaries are talking about my sexuality with me, because he got really quiet afterwards and didn’t really ask me much until he overheard me later in the night talking to Nate about maybe going to a rock climbing class with an LGBT climbing group (more on that later).  He started to ask me a few questions after that, with a lot starting with “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but...”. We've got a little bit of work to do there, but I'm happy all The Guys know and are cool with it. Danny even offered to set me up to go clubbing with a lesbian friend of his. Interesting offer, clubbing isn’t really my thing, but again it’s nice to know that the support is there.

Also interesting is when we were in the car leaving Danny’s place, Nate and Brian were telling me how relieved they were that I had told him. I guess they were feeling pretty awkward every time Danny made a gay joke with them knowing about me. Brian even got really apologetic about making those jokes around me in the past too, since he must have realized how uncomfortable it was for me, which I really appreciated. I don’t hold any resentment against them, it’s just one of those ways masculine guys tease each other, but I’m glad they’ve seen the error of their ways.

All in all, a good Friday night :)

Bro-Date

As a much needed break from writing papers, I went out for dinner with Brian last night. Nate was supposed to join us, but flaked on us for his girlfriend, so instead he decided to text and tease us all night about our “bro-date” (Hence the title.)

Whatever you want to call it, it was a lot of fun, mainly because I got to be honest about things that I’ve wanted to discuss since I came out to him and Nate (or anyone else for that matter). Like how hot I find his girlfriend’s cute blond friend. “Yeah, he is kind of hot, isn’t he?” “Yup, and I’m glad you agree bro.” A little bit of a downer though, because Brian went on to tell me a few stories about this guy goofing around with him and his girlfriend, so I’m losing faith that he’s being anything more than friendly when I see him. Oh well, a guy can hope...

There was a bit of a pause after we stopped talking about cute blond guy. “Hmmm...some things don’t change, do they?” Brian noted. He was talking about my thing for blonds/sandy blonds, since I had told him before that that’s one of the things I had been attracted to in girls. And then I had a “Matt-moment” and said something ridiculous like “You know, my taste in guys isn’t really much different than that from girls...light coloured hair, nice chest...except masculine...but I guess that’s the defining feature between guys and girls, isn’t it?” Brian just chuckled and worded it a bit better: “you mean just more butch and muscular and with a penis” Yeah, sounds about right.

 Cute like this would be nice.

I guess I was (and maybe still am) on a bit of a high that Brian was completely willing to talk and gossip about my gay side. In fact, he was the one to ASK ME which guy I had a crush on high school. *Side note: the answer was none, since I was in too much denial back then to crush on a guy, but I did tell him who I would have hypothetically crushed on and listed off a couple guys I remember being pretty hot for good measure. Anyway, I’m glad that he was so responsive and pretty enthusiastic to talk about that kind of stuff. I was always worried about things being awkward with The Guys after they found out about me being gay and having to avoid topics like dating or crushes or attractions because they didn't want to hear it or they felt uncomfortable talking about it, so it was encouraging to hear Brian ask the questions and discuss those topics like nothing had changed and it was perfectly normal.

To top it all off, I was telling my sister about my night while I was driving her home from the bus station. She was pretty pleased and happy for me that I could talk to my friends about all this. And being the wise-ass that she is, she reminded me that “As your SISTER, I have the LEAST vested interest in your sexuality, so don’t be afraid to talk to me about it.” Heh, thanks sis.

I got really lucky with my friends and family...I'm glad I have them. 

Still Kicking!

A lot can happen in three and a half weeks, so I’m going to try and condense this down the best I can, but I can tell you now that it’s still going to be a novel.

I’ll start with an explanation of what happened at that fateful counselling session. Liz and I came to the conclusion that I lead my life by following what people want or expect from me (or at least what I assume those things are). Where a lot of my stress originated from was forcing myself to do things I don’t necessarily enjoy, but since it’s what people expected me to, I did it anyway. So the solution we discussed was to find something that genuinely made me happy, not anybody else, as to boost my confidence and focus on something other than worrying about pleasing other people. I ended up misinterpreting that to mean that I was on my own to find what made me happy and that no one else could be around me since they could potentially influence what I decide to do, and the ruminating snowballed from there. And that’s what brought me to my last post.

My Family Knows My Secret, Amongst Other Things

I had a pretty emotional week...I basically had a nervous breakdown Wednesday night, triggered by my counselling session earlier in the day. It’s a story I want to share in another post, but what you need to know for now is that I was extremely anxious to the point where I couldn’t sleep and my mind kept ruminating to the point where I just felt helpless and alone.

The anxiety and fear of being alone was so bad I just had to talk to someone, so I decided to tell everything to the person I trusted the most at the time, my mom. Being up the whole night, I pulled her aside as soon as I heard her up and I started telling her about counselling, what we talked about that had stressed me out and just all the worries that were coming to my head. And she comforted me through it all, but of course she wanted to know what had made me decide to go see Liz in the first place. I hesitated for a second, but by then I was just so emotional and had everything on the table, plus she seemed more concerned about my deteriorating mental health, so I went and told her how I went after coming out to Lindsay and the loneliness that came from her pulling back. We both glossed over the fact that I had admitted I was struggling with my sexuality to talk about my other worries, but we eventually got to discuss it later. 

My mom’s been extremely supportive about the whole thing. She told my dad and my sister about most things we talked about, including my sexuality issues, so I wouldn’t get stressed over it, which is fine by me. I don’t think there was going to be an easy/non-awkward/casual way of telling my dad, so I’m okay with that, but I was hoping my sister would get to hear it from my mouth, rather than my mom’s. But whatever, I’m just happy that they know, and that they’re supportive and accepting of everything that’s going on. My sister let me know today that she’s always there to talk and support me, and that nothing I could ever say would faze her. She also told me that she’s always looked p to me, which was really uplifting. 

My mom and I have had a few conversations about my sexuality; it’s really weird for me to be talking about my attractions with my mom, but I explained (awkwardly and nervously) the different dimensions of my attractions to men and women, about all the hiding and my feelings on being confused and the LGBT community. She’s told me some of the coming out experiences of some of her gay/lesbian friends and the happiness they’ve found in their partners, which was comforting not only to hear about other people’s experiences, but it showed my mom’s acceptance of the LGBT community. She even offered to get one of her gay friends to talk with me about his experiences. Not sure if I’m going to take her up on the offer, but it might be interesting. Anyway, what she tells me following every conversation is that she just wants to see me happy with someone, whether it be a man or a woman, that they can support me and for me to equally support them. I’m sure hoping for the same thing. :)

So there you have it. It wasn’t the cleanest way of coming out to my family and not at all how I planned it, but I’m glad it’s known and that weight is off my shoulders. Best of all, I’ve got my family behind my back. :)

Same-Sex Marriage Controversy

Caught this on the news this morning:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2012/01/12/pol-harper-same-sex-marriage.html

What’s happening is there’s a controversy brewing after two lesbians, one from Florida and one from the UK, came to Canada to get married back in 2005 and are now seeking a divorce and finding they can’t. Neither the UK or Florida are willing to accept the Canadian marriage, so looking to divorce here and going to court, they’re discovering that 1) they can’t divorce because of a clause in our federal divorce laws that says you must be a resident for a at least a year to get a divorce and 2) the marriage might not even be valid because a lawyer for the feds is arguing that same-sex marriages performed here are only valid if they are recognized by the places where married couples are living. 

Let me first say I’m glad and proud that we have same-sex marriage in this country, and I feel very fortunate to have that option open to me should I choose to go down that road. But its issues and debates like these that make me question getting married in the future. For me, marriage should be a symbol of the love between two people, pure and simple. When you begin talking about divorce, alimony, tax breaks and other bureaucracy, it becomes a bit of a joke and it sort of ruins my definition of marriage. I also feel that there’s that ridiculous “pressure” in society to get married because “that’s what you do” when you’re a couple, and then there’s the added “pressure” for gay couples to take advantage of your rights. I just feel that, today, there’s just way too much of an emphasis in getting married for these ridiculous bureaucratic, legal and social reasons. And so my thought is: why bother getting into this mess? Common-law partnership allows you to be in a loving relationship without the enormous hoopla and pressure of a wedding ceremony, prenups, paperwork, legal definitions and social expectations of a marriage. But I guess it also sways your perception when you have good, successful examples of common-law relationships in your family.  =) 

ANYWAY, back to the article. There are really two issues here: the divorce/residency clause and the validity of same sex marriages performed here for foreigners. I’m by no means an expert on the divorce laws in this country, but I’d assume the residency clause is an non-issue, since, as someone in the CBC comments said, it’s no different from a straight couple getting married in Niagara Falls, going home, then getting screwed trying to get a divorce because they don’t live here.   

What’s a little more disturbing is the validity/invalidity of the marriages performed for foreigners. It’s seems like a slap to the gay rights movement to offer the ability for gays from other countries to come here and marry, only to refuse to acknowledge the marriage just because it isn’t recognized where they live. Why bother performing these marriages then, and just restrict gay marriages to Canadians?? Hopefully that argument doesn’t hold up in court, because I’d like to see Canada set an example and demonstrate the progressiveness and support there should be for the international gay community. Of course, this whole issue wouldn’t really be a problem if the entire world recognized same-sex marriage, but that’s another issue. Lastly, I'm hoping the Conservatives keep their word and don’t reopen the same-sex marriage debate over this, although I’ve been wondering if they would since they gained complete power in May. But, I mean, politicians ALWAYS stay true to their word, right?

PS. Here's some extra reading (with Dan Savage content) & statistics (with pictures!) if you're interested: 

http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2012/01/12/pol-gay-marriage-foreign-reaction.html

http://www.cbc.ca/news/interactives/same-sex-marriage/

Abandoned

I wish I could start the New Year with a positive post, but that isn’t going to happen unfortunately. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been around my friends and family for the holidays and hearing how great things are for them and how awful things are for me in comparison, but I’ve just been so frustrated and angry with how things are going in life right now.

I found out this week that Lindsay has a new boyfriend. And you know what? I’m upset about it and I didn’t understand why until I started writing this post. I feel crazy saying it, but it’s because I feel abandoned and betrayed by her. This crazy part of me thinks that maybe she was only “friends” with me all these years because she wanted a chance with me, and once I came out and made it painfully obvious that it wasn’t going to happen, it now feels like she ditched our “friendship” for another romantic interest. I’m angry over the fact that I thought I made it clear that we were just friends and clearly she didn’t see it that way. So when I needed a friend, she bailed on me just because her feelings for me got in the way, when in my mind they never should have existed in the first place. I’m angry at myself after looking back on things, since I might have behaved in a way that might have misled her, and that this could be my own fault that I’m in this scenario. I’m also jealous of the fact that she managed to move on so easily, whereas I’m still in the same place, licking my wounds and stewing over what should have been.   

Flirty or Friendly?

Let’s play a little game. Consider the two following COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL situations and decide: is this flirty or friendly?

COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL Situation #1: You work in an office where the social circles tend to be very clique-y and keep to themselves. You’re in the cafeteria, helping yourself to a coffee, when someone behind you says “hi”.  Since there’s other people around also getting coffee, you assume it’s meant for someone else, but after a couple seconds and hearing no reply back, you look up to see a guy staring at you. You’ve seen him around the office, but you have no idea who he is and he definitely doesn’t work in your department. There are a few traits about him that are setting off your gaydar, but you ignore them. You politely address him and silently go back to preparing your caffeine fix for the morning. Instead of doing the same, he begins to strike up a conversation about the coffee you’re making yourself and even offers you help. You tell him you’re cutting back on caffeine and that’s why you’re adding some decaf, and you can’t help but laugh a little inside when he offers you some cream. But by now, you’re also super confused, since 1) you don’t know this guy, and 2) since people rarely talk to each other outside their social circles, you start to question his intentions. While you’re contemplating this, one of his co-workers greets him, and you slip back to your desk to start your morning.