I’ll start with an explanation of what happened at that fateful counselling session. Liz and I came to the conclusion that I lead my life by following what people want or expect from me (or at least what I assume those things are). Where a lot of my stress originated from was forcing myself to do things I don’t necessarily enjoy, but since it’s what people expected me to, I did it anyway. So the solution we discussed was to find something that genuinely made me happy, not anybody else, as to boost my confidence and focus on something other than worrying about pleasing other people. I ended up misinterpreting that to mean that I was on my own to find what made me happy and that no one else could be around me since they could potentially influence what I decide to do, and the ruminating snowballed from there. And that’s what brought me to my last post.
Things have been better, although some days it’s still a struggle to get my emotions under control. School’s been the most troublesome issue so far; I’ve had anxiety attacks just before due dates and I’ve thought about quitting a couple times since all of this began. I’m starting to realize I don’t particularly enjoy the academic lifestyle, but I’m so far into my degree (I’ve got about a year left) it seems like such a waste to give up now. It’s frustrating because I’ve managed to handle the stress before I took time off to work, but I guess being out of school for 9 months and dealing with my sexuality and the fallout takes its toll. Despite all this, I’ve pulled off all A’s and B’s on my assignments so far, so I can do this...it’s just matter of whether I can cope with the stress for another year or not. I guess time will tell...
Thankfully, it hasn’t been all bad news. I managed to tell Nate and Brian about everything, the anxiety attacks, struggling with my sexuality, Lindsay, everything. And they’ve been very understanding and supportive, telling me that they have/are going through the some of the same anxieties (uh, not the sexuality issues for what it’s worth). They’ve gone as far as to offer advice and share their own experiences coping, so it’s comforting to hear how they’re handling things and how they’ve gotten through it. And it’s nice that I can joke around with them and not have to worry about exposing my secret to them, and that they don’t really care about it either. Case in point, a conversation we had about Poppycock vs. Cracker Jack:
Nate: Well, Cracker Jack has those prizes, but Poppycock’s got more peanuts in it.
Brian: I hate nuts, I’ll take the crappy prize, thanks.
Matt: I like nuts.
Brian: Dude!
Matt: *Laughing*What, I was talking about peanuts! What were you thinking?!
Yeah, I’ve got the sense of humour of a 12 year old. Sue me.
ANYWAY, I also heard back from Lindsay this past week. We both felt the same way that we missed each other and giving up 10 years of friendship over what happened was stupid. We both made our apologies, and things are good between us, so I’m happy. No mention of any feelings for me, but her explanation of what happened is that she felt like she was doing all she could to help me and I kept pushing her away (which I did, really), so she got frustrated and walked away. Then just the other day, she said she felt guilty for leaving a friend in need, so she decided to check in on me. On one hand, I’m happy she wants to help and be supportive, but I couldn’t help but feel like she was trying to be my counsellor and treating me like a patient, trying to identify and help me fix my problems when we met for coffee the other day. The thing is, I already have a counsellor and I need a friend to just listen and comfort me when I need it right now. When I told her this, I think she realized that she’s overcompensating for the guilt about everything that’s happened with me and her not being there. I think she also really wants to see the new/true me before she moves overseas to be back with her family in June or July, but I think she’s going to have to realize it’s a slow process that can’t be rushed, as much as she wishes. So there’s still a lot to work out between us, but I’m glad to get some closure that things weren’t left on a sour note between us and that she still wants to be there for me.
And that pretty much sums up the last three and a half weeks. Up and down, but I’m surviving. Seriously, if you’ve made it this far, it means a lot that you’ve taken the time to read through all my ramblings, so thanks a bunch. As a reward, here’s some Two Door Cinema Club:
I like nuts too, cashews and almonds, but my favorite is....hmmmm, never mind. lol
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