Abandoned

I wish I could start the New Year with a positive post, but that isn’t going to happen unfortunately. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been around my friends and family for the holidays and hearing how great things are for them and how awful things are for me in comparison, but I’ve just been so frustrated and angry with how things are going in life right now.

I found out this week that Lindsay has a new boyfriend. And you know what? I’m upset about it and I didn’t understand why until I started writing this post. I feel crazy saying it, but it’s because I feel abandoned and betrayed by her. This crazy part of me thinks that maybe she was only “friends” with me all these years because she wanted a chance with me, and once I came out and made it painfully obvious that it wasn’t going to happen, it now feels like she ditched our “friendship” for another romantic interest. I’m angry over the fact that I thought I made it clear that we were just friends and clearly she didn’t see it that way. So when I needed a friend, she bailed on me just because her feelings for me got in the way, when in my mind they never should have existed in the first place. I’m angry at myself after looking back on things, since I might have behaved in a way that might have misled her, and that this could be my own fault that I’m in this scenario. I’m also jealous of the fact that she managed to move on so easily, whereas I’m still in the same place, licking my wounds and stewing over what should have been.   

And that’s the worst part about it; that I’m still obsessing over this relationship. I got hurt, but I think I should just be able to let it go and move on; yet here I am dedicating another post to just how angry/frustrated/disappointed in how everything played out between us. Maybe it’s because she’s one of the few people who actually knows my secret, and I need the support, so maybe there’s part of me that hopes she’s going to come back and help me make things all better. I’ve got an avoidant personality though, I know how I’m going to find that support, but I don’t want to face reality and would rather just be delusional and keep hoping that Lindsay comes back. The truth is, I can’t rely on Lindsay being my support through all of this, I need to tell someone else, someone I can lean on and not abandon me. And as resentful and angry as it makes me though, I don’t blame Lindsay for what she did. She had her own feelings and she had every right to deal with them in whatever way she needed to, which includes avoiding me. I just hate the fact that we weren’t seeing things eye-to-eye and that the end result was both of us getting hurt. And I hate that this experience is what I might be associating every future coming out to.

And maybe that’s why I just haven’t been able to tell anyone. I made it a goal to tell my sister during the holidays, but I just couldn’t find courage or “the right time” to do it. Subconsciously, maybe it’s because I didn’t want to get hurt, so I put it off. But that’s ridiculous, because I know my sister loves me and she always will; we will always be family and that’s what families do, is support each other in times of need. She’s got a very open mind, lots of gay friends, so this really shouldn’t be this difficult. I guess I haven’t come to terms with the fact that I got really unlucky the first time coming out to someone, and that this won’t happen every time I tell someone. But I’m just frustrated that I haven’t gotten over my fears and just done it. I know this could potentially lead to great things, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m feeling as if I’m back in square one.

Here’s hoping 2012 ends better than it’s starting...