Bi to Gay

It might not be a surprise reading some of my more recent posts, but I've taken on the gay label over bisexual recently. It’s not that the bi label is wildly inaccurate now, but I just find that I can relate more to the “gay” label than I could before.

I mentioned back near the beginning that I didn’t really consider myself gay and more bisexual because I never had any sort of emotional attraction to a guy and that attraction with guys was more of a physical and sexual nature. It just never really seemed desirable or even possible to have that sort of emotional attachment to a guy. But in light of coming out to my friends (both male and female) and the talks I’ve had with them, as well as reading other blogs and talking to other bloggers, I’ve realized it is possible to be emotional and open with a guy. So for me, guys have the full package now, they’ve checked all the “attraction” boxes: emotional, physical and sexual.

As for girls, nothing’s really changed. Most of the girls I meet have the emotional attraction down-packed. There’s even a few that I think are pretty cute, but could I sleep with a girl? Not so sure. That being said, there are still those times where I’m not sure, like the receptionist last weekend at work (another story, promise).  So I guess the “bi” label still applies, although maybe less so than it did a few months ago. I’m thinking it’s going to take a pretty special girl to make me play for that team, unlikely, but I’m never going to say never. 

Part of it might have to do with me being out to my closest family and friends, and them being okay with it. Now that they know, there's not really any pressure to feel like I *have* to or should be with a woman to fit in or meet their expectations. In addition to that, now that I’m somewhat out, it’s a hell of a lot easier to explain that I’m gay, instead of I’m physically, sexually and fairly emotionally attracted to guys, but only emotionally and physically attracted to girls (see?). In the beginning, I did make it a point to give a full explanation when I first told everyone, but they hear me calling myself gay in conversation now. Even a few of my more recent coming outs, I haven't even mentioned any attraction to women, so who knows, maybe I am just kidding myself a tiny little bit still telling myself there might be even the slightest chance I would consider being with a girl. 

So yes, I might just be a case of “bi now, gay later” and that’s perfectly fine with me.I'm just going to take it by ear and see where it takes me.

Twin Power

Dear papers – please stop screwing with my blogging time. Please and thanks :-)

Anyhoo, I really wanted to dedicate a post to a couple sort-of-new-good friends of mine, The Twins, Cara and Sara. After all that’s happened in the last few months, like coming out to my friends, building my confidence and working on my social skills, I think I’ve finally started to slowly find myself. I’m kind of in that mindset where I don’t really care about finding a guy; I mean sure, I’m starting to put myself in positions where potentially I could, and perhaps if he comes along, great, but I’m having an awesome time just trying to find what makes me happy and trying out new things. And that’s where The Twins come in.

Confronting my Sexuality

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a looooong time, and now that it’s been nearly a year since this story happened, I figured now is a better time than any to finally write it. There was one defining moment when I started to question my sexuality, and this is it.

Around this time last year, there was a lot going on, a lot of things that brought out a bunch of my insecurities and fears. Friends were graduating university, others were fully-employed and independent, even more were in healthy, long-term relationships and some were out partying, going on crazy trips overseas and enjoying their twenties. And then there was me, about to turn 22, still in school for a while yet, no real job and living at home, too afraid of people judging me to go out and enjoy myself, and definitely way too closeted to have a “girlfriend” or any sort of relationship. 

An Old Coming Out Letter

I mentioned here that I originally wrote a letter to Lindsay and Brian to come out to them, which I never gave to them. It's sort of neat reading this letter back to myself and comparing it to how open I am with both of them now. Anyway, here we go:

Egoboosts and Other Random Stuff

Quick halfway-through-the-weekend update:

Rock climbing was alright. It wasn’t so much a class as much as it was a group of gay guys getting together to try out climbing for the first time. It was a little chaotic, since there was both our group and another large group in the gym at the same time, so it made it a little difficult to socialize. People were coming in late, and being split off into groups, so with the amount of people there, it was hard to tell who was with what group and what was going on. I think a good half of our group left for dinner part way through and the rest of us didn’t even notice, which was a little disappointing, since it would have been nice to get to know some of them. Despite that, I did get to chat a bit and flex those social skills with the guy I was paired up with and a few others who stuck around. My arms are killing me though...

I also went for coffee with Nate and Brian tonight, pretty tame stuff until we got on to the topic of gay bars and getting hit on. Apparently Nate’s close cousin, who is gay, is planning to head out to a local gay club for his birthday in a couple weeks. Nate, being a good cousin, agreed to go along, but as a straight guy, he isn’t really comfortable going to a gay club with a bunch of people he doesn’t know. His plan is to take his girlfriend with him, but he jokingly asked Brian and I if we’d go. Well, it was jokingly until Brian and Nate started discussing their curiosities about being hit on. They’re tired of making all the advances and for an egoboost, they’re semi-willing to give the gay club a go. Their suggested plan is this: the three of us stand at a table. Two of us throw our arms around each other and pretend like we’re a couple, and see how much attention the third gets. They call it a “social experiment”, I call it them being a bunch of attention whores, but whatever. I have my doubts that we’ll even go, but I might be down for the opportunity to try and pick up dudes.

As for tomorrow (today I guess now), I’m heading out on a hike with Nate, his girlfriend and her twin sister as part of a New Year’s resolution pact we made to do a hike every week. They were part of that group of girls Danny tried to set us up with back in October, which I guess had mixed success, but regardless the four of us have become pretty close friends. So I’m making it my goal to try and come out to the twins tomorrow, before they try to set me up with a girl (which it sounds like they’re planning to) or there’s any more awkward conversations (“So, Matt, what’s your pickup line for getting the ladies?” Uhhhhhh...). Keeping my fingers crossed. :)

Out On Campus...

...is the name of my school’s LGBT centre, which I decided to visit yesterday. It’s something I’ve wanted to do even before I was out, and now that some of my closest friends and family know, I didn’t feel so constrained that they needed to know first before I started to reach out and participate in the LGBT community. That didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous walking in there though. Thoughts running through my head before I went in included:

• Who would I meet?
• What would I say?
• Was I going to say something offensive?
• What if a classmate saw me?
•  What if one of my close friends that goes to this same school found out by seeing me?

All of which turned out to be ridiculous, because both the space and all the people were pretty chill. The centre itself didn’t look any different than a faculty or student association lounge, aside from a couple rainbow flags and gay themed posters. And any fears I had before sort of melted away as I met and started to chat with some of the people hanging out there. When I first got there, I introduced myself to the one girl lounging on the sofa and she walked me through the facilities and the massive library of books and dvds available. Afterwards, we started to chat about her volunteering at the centre (she’s new this semester) and events going on this semester (Queer Awareness Week starting Monday...hmmm...). I’ll point out again that I didn’t really know what to expect, but I wasn’t sure how much I or other people in the centre would be talking about their sexuality or gender. So colour me a little surprised when most conversation consisted of usual student talk about class, profs, majors and rez with some talk about work, hobbies and the weather (which has been AMAZING for once). The only really “gay” conversation I had during that time was with a couple guys about using Grindr as a medium for making friends (umm...). In the entire hour and a half I hung out there, probably about 10 or so people passed in and out, and each were super friendly and made it a point to welcome me to the centre when they found out I was new. Looking back on it, I feel really silly being so worried about everything...I really should be giving people more credit in being non-judgemental and friendly. But hey, it’s experiences like these that are fixing those negative thought processes. I’ll probably be heading back tomorrow for a bit when I’m on campus again. :)

 Found this on Google. Go Canada!

    

In other news, I signed up for the rock climbing class I casually mentioned in my last post. It’s a collaboration between a local men’s health clinic and a LGBT climbing group here in the city. I’ve done rock climbing a couple times in the past and enjoyed it, so I figured this and the Out on Campus visit, might be a good way of relieving stress and meeting some guys and making friends. And maybe even Mr. Right, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m really excited for it, so Friday, I’m going to be “putting my hands around something hard” and “sticking my fingers into a tight crack” (what, that was part of the class description! Seriously!). 

Anyway, take it easy and be yourselves guys. Later!