Lindsay and Brian,
I’ve been thinking ever since our last “personal” conversation. I’ve been thinking mostly about why I have never really dated or been with anyone, and it’s because I didn’t know who I was. I definitely have, and still want to be with someone, but how could I really commit or open myself up to someone if I didn’t know who I was myself? I’m sure you guys have an idea of where this is going, but it’s not exactly what you probably think it is. No, I’m not gay, but I’m not completely straight either. There are some days where I’m attracted to women, and other days where I’m attracted to men. Other days I have no freaking clue or I could take either or. I don’t know if this will stay the same or whether I’ll eventually swing to one side or the other. What I do know that this is a big, confusing part of me. And because of that, I feel like I’m living a lie when I’m talking to you, when I’m around with you. Lindsay, I don’t want to have to have to pretend, laugh along and shrug it off when you laugh after mistakenly saying “guys” instead of “girls” when you ask me who my grandparents would approve of me dating. And Brian, I don’t want to have to feel like I have to say I’m straight and come up with some witty reply when you teasingly ask if I’m gay. Those examples aren’t meant to make you feel bad or awkward for doing so, but rather to show you how every time I do or say something like that, it feels like I’m lying, acting, not being truthful to myself. I needed to tell you guys because I need your guidance and support to figure this out and to feel like I don’t have to cover anything up anymore. You two are the first ones I’ve told this to because you’re the closest friends I have and I know I can trust you two with such a big secret. For now, what I need especially is your secrecy; I want to keep this between the three of us. That includes keeping this from our mutual friends and your other friends, your family, significant other - for now, everybody. You have each other to talk to, that’s why I’ve told both of you. I want to tell more people eventually, but I’m not comfortable doing this yet and I’m not sure how to go about doing this, so please, for now I need you to keep this between us.
With that being said, my biggest fear in telling you guys is that things will change. I’m still the same shy, playful guy you’ve known since elementary and middle school; I still love to poke you in the arm and making inferences about your height Lindsay; and I still like to taunt you with my “sexy dice” * and teasing you about, well... everything, Brian. The only difference now is that you’re aware of a big part of me that wasn’t so obvious before. What I’m also scared about is that you guys won’t accept and reject me because of what I’ve told you here. Deep down, I know (and hope) you guys will accept me for who I am; that’s why I’ve managed to muster up the courage to tell you, but I need the reassurance that you’ll be there for me. If not, although I guess there’s not much I can do about it now, I still ask for your secrecy.
If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably feeling something, or wondering something. I’ve been so candid with you in writing this and giving it to you, I hope you can be equally as candid in expressing your feelings, thoughts and questions with me. Now’s the time to do so.
Your completely confused friend,
Matt
*Quick disclosure: Lindsay is short, like 4' short. Not really, but I like to pretend she is and use my height to my advantage to tease her by hiding things on high shelves and the like. And "sexy dice" is an inside joke I share with Brian about an unfortunate incident where I used one of those novelty fuzzy dice you hang in your rear view mirror as a feather boa. Just awful.
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