Am I Dating...?

Hey Guys,

So, some good news and bad news on the personal life front in recent times.

Bad news was that I've had a bit of an anxiety episode this past week or so. I just started to get overly critical on my social life and my awkwardness, which just killed my confidence and got me super anxious. I know it's likely part of all the recent changes going on in my life, like my new internship/job. Our office is separated into five teams, with me split between two teams of about fifteen people each, so nearly a month in, I still don't know some of my co-workers, even if they know who I am. My desk is also in a very open and spacious, high traffic area where everyone stops by and to chat. And me, being the shy and awkward one that I am, am not used to all this social interaction and beat myself up for not being outgoing and social. That just made me doubt things within my existing personal relationships, and it was all downhill from there.

But it's passed, and who cares about the bad news. Good news is that I feel like I'm actually making some progress in having some sort of love life. I really don't know if I can consider myself dating...I'm hanging out with gay dudes, as friends (for now), and we'll see where it goes. Amidst all my self-doubt, I'll be honest and say I haven't really done anything with my OkCupid account, other than check it to see if I got messages every so often, so not really much progress there. Not to say there wasn't, I got one message from a dude that sent me a "Hey, how are you", so for shits and giggles I sent back a "Not bad, you?". Since then, he's tried to keep the contact, and I get the impression that it's partial because he's in the closet and needs someone he has things in common with to talk to, so part of me wants to see where this is going to go and help if that's what this guy is looking for. But it's annoying that he doesn't ask me any questions and seems to expect me to keep the conversation even though HE messaged ME, so we'll see what happens. I did however, get one message from a Vancouver-transplant in San Francisco. He seems to like my values and personality, and we're finding some common interests in talking about him moving to San Francisco and the hiking out there. Pretty articulate guy, but he's definitely looking for someone to date. He's already asked me about my out-status and I think he's hinting that he wants to meet up since he keeps mentioning that he's back in town for Chinese New Year...

And then there's a guy I met a little while back that I met up for lunch with recently. He's a great guy, I find it really easy to talk to him (not always n easy feat for me) and we have the same interests (food, potential travels, outdoor sports, business) and I enjoy my time with him. Only problem is, I'm just not really all that attracted to him. I have the same feeling towards him as I do Lindsay and Britney, we've got great chemistry, but I just don't feel that spark toward him, at least not yet. Regardless, I'm keeping an open mind and maybe in time I'll change my mind. At the very least I think he'd make an awesome friend.

For the last little while, my sister Diana has been hassling me to come with her to this gay lounge that her co-worker, the casting director, recommended to her. So tonight, myself, my sister, her boyfriend and Mr. Casting Director Co-worker, all went down to the lounge. Diana had already told me before that Mr. CDC was into masculine-acting guys and was afraid to approach them out of fear of either humiliating himself or getting decked, I don't remember which it was. But regardless, gay? Check. Looking for a masculine guy? Plus one for me. I also knew that she had mentioned Mr. CDC was pretty flamboyant, which I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about, but it didn't really bug me at all. He was though, very sweet, outgoing and friendly, which are all pluses in my book. He also ticks my morality/self-respect box, since he mentioned how he turned down drugs from a "friend" at a party and is pretty dedicated to his job (maybe too dedicated?). He smokes though, which is a bit of a demerit in my books. Anyway, for the most part, I was pretty shy tonight (although perfectly okay with it this time), but I did manage to connect with Mr. CDC over the one thing we have in common: our interest in boys and relationships. We objectified a few friends of his on Facebook, and we also fought over another friend of Diana's that worked at the lounge (Who, by the way. is gorgeous and should probably keep his shirt off all the time. Diana better put a good word for in for me FIRST.) Anyway, that led to him asking me what my type of guy was and what I was looking for out of a guy (ie. relationship, hookup, short-term dating, etc), which perked my senses up. Wishful thinking is hoping that he's into me, and honestly I'm more into him than I thought I would be. I've got a text saved on my phone that I'm sending to my sister in the morning that says "I had fun last night, I needed that after this week. And (Mr. CDC) seems like a nice guy, we should all hang out more often ;)" I just find it kind of funny...I remember back at my old job, where my co-worker Angela, as part of her looking after me, always encouraged me to look to my sister for potential dates...which I guess is exactly what I'm doing now, although probably not in the way Angela would have ever thought! 

So the list of potentials gets a little bit longer. Maybe it's because I always thought of dating as a one-on-one thing with a stranger, but I don't really think I'm dating. I see it as getting to know a few gay guys, maybe make some new friends with no complaints if it goes further. But isn't the idea of dating getting to know people you might potentially be interested in? Maybe I am, I don't know...I'm just going to run with it, whatever it is.