So I started a new summer job last week with a financial services company doing data entry, filing, miscellaneous paper pushing in addition to my part-time job on the weekends =). I like it so far, I like dealing with figures and money (how exciting, right?), it’s a nice change from the mostly retail/entry level jobs I’ve worked up until now and, it’s kind of silly, but I get my very own little cubicle complete with computer and printer! Only downsides are that the work is kind of repetitive and the commute is killer (living in the 'burbs SUCKS), so between friends, family and work I don't have as much time to do other things (like update this blog) as I like.
But, I'm off for the Canada Day long weekend, and some things have crossed my mind this week, so I'll be getting that off my chest sometime in the coming days.
For now, enjoy this Ford F-150 SVT Raptor! So much win.
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Thoughts on being bisexual
Coming out has crossed my mind more and more lately. It would make it a hell of a lot easier just to talk to my friends and family, and then maybe I can be comfortable in my own skin, move on with my life and stop worrying and freaking out so much. I’ve got an idea of how I would want to do it in my head: ideally, I’d like to tell both Lindsay and Brian first, since we go out the three of us for dinner a lot of the time and then head back to Lindsay’s place to have some pretty deep conversation, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to slip it in then (I hope). But there’s still a few things that are holding me back, things that I’m still coming to grips with being bi, gay or whatever it is.
Not to devalue the experiences of gays, but I think there’s a lot of additional challenges bisexuals face in society. There’s a lot of stigma about being a slut and switching teams; it’s like a general opinion that you can’t decide on one or the other and I think that manifests into a general distrust in bisexuals. Honestly, right now, I would even take being 100% gay over being bi. Being gay is so much more black/white than being bi; you come to terms with being gay, come out, date guys, there’s no real question about where you stand in your sexuality. Being bi though, not only do you have to deal with who you are and coming out, but once you’re ready to date, things don’t get easier. Those assumptions made about your sexuality seem to make relationships and sex a whole lot more complicated.
For example, I think about how the whole dating thing is going to go as a bisexual. I worry about how being a bisexual would alter the trust in the relationship. Guy or girl, would they be okay knowing that I’m attracted to someone of the opposite sex? Would they believe that I would cheat and switch teams at the drop of a hat just because I’m bi? On the one hand, how is being attracted to either guys or girls any different from a straight guy checking out other girls at the beach, or for that matter, a gay guy checking other guys out? Instead, it’s just someone of the same and/or opposite sex...the same general principles are there, attractive people are attractive, so they catch your eye. But that doesn’t mean that I would look anymore into it, much like any straight guy wouldn’t automatically dump his girlfriend for the cute waitress that’s serving his date. I’d like to think I have more respect for myself and stronger morals than that as to hurt someone I was truly in love with for some meaningless physical desire.
And were I to date a guy, I also wouldn’t want people to come up to me and say, “oh, so you’re gay now?” because that simply isn’t true. But even so, in society, when people see two guys together, I’ll bet their first thought isn’t “awww, doesn’t the bisexual look cute with him?” To be wrongly stigmatized like that is just frustrating, because I know have that interest in women, but at the same time, I definitely wouldn’t reject a relationship with a guy either, so why is it assumed that I’m only interested in guys if I’m seen dating one? And what if a girl who was into me saw me lay lips on a guy and makes the same assumption? It shouldn’t mean that I’m totally off limits to her, and I don’t want her to feel as if she has no chance with me, but it certainly comes across that way and it feels like there’s little I can do to help that, so what’s a bi guy to do?
Even if I were to date somebody, I wonder when it would be appropriate to tell them. Honesty is the best policy, sure, but would being bi scare off any potential boyfriend/girlfriend if I told them at the beginning of the relationship? At the same though, lying about it until later in the relationship doesn’t seem fair, in a sense that’s leading them on, and maybe having a bisexual boyfriend isn’t something they want to deal with. You know, I say I’ve got this general feeling about what people think of bisexuals, but maybe I really have no clue. Maybe I’m not giving people enough credit and they’re actually more accepting of bisexuals than I think they are, or maybe I’m just fooling myself saying that.
With that being said, I need your help to set the record straight (no pun intended) and be honest: how would you feel about dating a bisexual? Would their bisexuality bother you, and why or why not?
-Matt
Not to devalue the experiences of gays, but I think there’s a lot of additional challenges bisexuals face in society. There’s a lot of stigma about being a slut and switching teams; it’s like a general opinion that you can’t decide on one or the other and I think that manifests into a general distrust in bisexuals. Honestly, right now, I would even take being 100% gay over being bi. Being gay is so much more black/white than being bi; you come to terms with being gay, come out, date guys, there’s no real question about where you stand in your sexuality. Being bi though, not only do you have to deal with who you are and coming out, but once you’re ready to date, things don’t get easier. Those assumptions made about your sexuality seem to make relationships and sex a whole lot more complicated.
For example, I think about how the whole dating thing is going to go as a bisexual. I worry about how being a bisexual would alter the trust in the relationship. Guy or girl, would they be okay knowing that I’m attracted to someone of the opposite sex? Would they believe that I would cheat and switch teams at the drop of a hat just because I’m bi? On the one hand, how is being attracted to either guys or girls any different from a straight guy checking out other girls at the beach, or for that matter, a gay guy checking other guys out? Instead, it’s just someone of the same and/or opposite sex...the same general principles are there, attractive people are attractive, so they catch your eye. But that doesn’t mean that I would look anymore into it, much like any straight guy wouldn’t automatically dump his girlfriend for the cute waitress that’s serving his date. I’d like to think I have more respect for myself and stronger morals than that as to hurt someone I was truly in love with for some meaningless physical desire.
And were I to date a guy, I also wouldn’t want people to come up to me and say, “oh, so you’re gay now?” because that simply isn’t true. But even so, in society, when people see two guys together, I’ll bet their first thought isn’t “awww, doesn’t the bisexual look cute with him?” To be wrongly stigmatized like that is just frustrating, because I know have that interest in women, but at the same time, I definitely wouldn’t reject a relationship with a guy either, so why is it assumed that I’m only interested in guys if I’m seen dating one? And what if a girl who was into me saw me lay lips on a guy and makes the same assumption? It shouldn’t mean that I’m totally off limits to her, and I don’t want her to feel as if she has no chance with me, but it certainly comes across that way and it feels like there’s little I can do to help that, so what’s a bi guy to do?
Even if I were to date somebody, I wonder when it would be appropriate to tell them. Honesty is the best policy, sure, but would being bi scare off any potential boyfriend/girlfriend if I told them at the beginning of the relationship? At the same though, lying about it until later in the relationship doesn’t seem fair, in a sense that’s leading them on, and maybe having a bisexual boyfriend isn’t something they want to deal with. You know, I say I’ve got this general feeling about what people think of bisexuals, but maybe I really have no clue. Maybe I’m not giving people enough credit and they’re actually more accepting of bisexuals than I think they are, or maybe I’m just fooling myself saying that.
With that being said, I need your help to set the record straight (no pun intended) and be honest: how would you feel about dating a bisexual? Would their bisexuality bother you, and why or why not?
-Matt
Monday, 13 June 2011
Go Canucks Go!
Such an epic weekend...don’t think I’ve had that much fun in a long time. On Saturday, Brian’s girlfriend threw him a surprise party for his birthday that’s coming up. We had a nice dinner out at a restaurant downtown with his closest friends (we’re all fairly close to each other, so we were all comfortable with each other and had a good time) then headed out to the night market out in Richmond just take a look around at what all the little stalls had to sell. And on Friday, Brian, Nate, Iris and I played “truth or dare” card games (even though it ended up all truths) where the winner would ask an embarrassing/personal question and the loser would have to answer (questions ranged from “who was your last crush” to “your favourite porn habits”). So funny, I loosened up a little and gave away some of my dirty little secrets. Those guys were pretty shocked with some of my answers...I don’t think they expected such brutal honesty out of quiet, reserved little me =P. Best part of the weekend though was watching the Canucks game earlier that night with the guys and Iris...
I’ll admit it, I’m not a huge hockey fan...at all. But it’s hard not to be a bandwagon fan when the whole city, even the whole country is talking about nothing else but the Canucks. It’s so stereotypical Canadian, but hockey just stirs up that much excitement and emotion in people up here; everywhere you look, people are wearing jerseys, employers let workers off early on game nights, there are street parties all over the city, hell, the Canucks are even making national headlines. Anyway, since the rest of the guys are such huge hockey fans, Danny decided that we were going to go downtown Friday to a pub to watch game 5 of the series and join in on the festivities. At first, I was a little uneasy with the idea because 1) I hate crowds, especially DRUNK crowds and 2) I like order and structure, which definitely doesn’t get included in Danny’s haphazard planning, but I’m glad we went anyway. We never did end up at a pub because we met up down there way too late and all the pubs were full (there was something like 75,000 – 100,000 people downtown that night!), but we did join the huge street party watching the game just outside Rogers Arena where the Bruins and the Canucks were playing and it was just insane! The crowd would cheer every time we got the puck, applauded every save by Luongo, and when we won? Absolute insanity...everybody was high-fiving each other, jumping up and down, screaming and cheering, towels spinning and flags waving, just utter madness. As we were leaving the downtown core, you could hear the cheering and partying still going on in the distance, if the people hanging out cars honking and shouting “GO CANUCKS GO” didn’t drown it out.
Moments after we won...it was more chaotic than it looks!
This is only one block of the party...it went down a couple more blocks both ways from the intersection.
Tonight’s game 6 of the 7 game series, and we’re up 3 games to 2, so if we win tonight, it’ll be the first Stanley Cup Vancouver’s ever won, and this city’s going to erupt, guaranteed. Despite the game being in Boston this time, it’s going to be an even bigger party than when the Olympics were here last year for sure, that’s just how crazy hockey fans are here. I’ve got Brian and Nate coming over in a few hours to watch the game and get the barbecue fired up...should be fun!
Later guys,
-Matt
I’ll admit it, I’m not a huge hockey fan...at all. But it’s hard not to be a bandwagon fan when the whole city, even the whole country is talking about nothing else but the Canucks. It’s so stereotypical Canadian, but hockey just stirs up that much excitement and emotion in people up here; everywhere you look, people are wearing jerseys, employers let workers off early on game nights, there are street parties all over the city, hell, the Canucks are even making national headlines. Anyway, since the rest of the guys are such huge hockey fans, Danny decided that we were going to go downtown Friday to a pub to watch game 5 of the series and join in on the festivities. At first, I was a little uneasy with the idea because 1) I hate crowds, especially DRUNK crowds and 2) I like order and structure, which definitely doesn’t get included in Danny’s haphazard planning, but I’m glad we went anyway. We never did end up at a pub because we met up down there way too late and all the pubs were full (there was something like 75,000 – 100,000 people downtown that night!), but we did join the huge street party watching the game just outside Rogers Arena where the Bruins and the Canucks were playing and it was just insane! The crowd would cheer every time we got the puck, applauded every save by Luongo, and when we won? Absolute insanity...everybody was high-fiving each other, jumping up and down, screaming and cheering, towels spinning and flags waving, just utter madness. As we were leaving the downtown core, you could hear the cheering and partying still going on in the distance, if the people hanging out cars honking and shouting “GO CANUCKS GO” didn’t drown it out.
Tonight’s game 6 of the 7 game series, and we’re up 3 games to 2, so if we win tonight, it’ll be the first Stanley Cup Vancouver’s ever won, and this city’s going to erupt, guaranteed. Despite the game being in Boston this time, it’s going to be an even bigger party than when the Olympics were here last year for sure, that’s just how crazy hockey fans are here. I’ve got Brian and Nate coming over in a few hours to watch the game and get the barbecue fired up...should be fun!
Later guys,
-Matt
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Lindsay
I’ve had way too much excitement already today. I just got a call from Brian saying he’s in the hospital after he flipped his car on the highway this morning. I talked to him briefly; he seems okay, a little groggy and dizzy, plus he doesn’t remember what happened, but he managed to text and talk to me over the phone before the doctors started examining him, so I’m hoping it’s nothing too serious. Still worried for him though. Add to that I’ve been playing telephone tag with a company I applied to and now I’m waiting for a call back to do a telephone interview, so I’m a complete wreck right now. I figured I would try and do some writing to distract me and calm my nerves.
I met Lindsay back in 8th grade when a group of us banded together to help each other with science labs and math homework and the like. She’s the closest thing I have to an older sister: she always has good, practical advice for me despite only being a month older than me, yet she still manages to be playful, bugs me and eggs me on like a sister would. She’s the only other person other than Brian that I can go to with my problems with family, school and the like. What I like about Lindsay is that she makes doing this so easy; she always seems to be so willing to listen, offer her insight and she just creates that environment of openness in the way she talks and expresses herself to me. She’s also not afraid to be blunt and straightforward in conversation, which makes it easier for me to open up (Silence, then out of the blue, “Matt, I have a question. Are you a boob or an ass type of guy?”). She’s also one of the most caring and considerate people I know; she’ll grab me a coffee before we get together sometimes, and she’ll try to transit out somewhere (she doesn’t drive) to meet me so I don’t have to drive so far and use up my gas.
There’s a couple things that bother me about Lindsay though, and it’s been causing some problems, which I’ll get to in a second. First of all, she’s very clingy and touchy-feely, often to the point where it’s uncomfortable. There was one incident at school where Lindsay pissed Danny off by hugging him and clutching his arm tightly in front of a girl he liked, and a lot of the time when we’re walking in the mall, she’ll hang off my arm or the like, so it’s seems like we’re together. Sometimes she’ll get me to call me when I get home after I drop her off, that sort of thing. She’s also very overdramatic, which tests my patience. Sometimes I’ll poke her lightly in the arm and she’ll scream (loudly, at that) and get all mad at me for a bit; I really want to tell her to calm down and get a grip sometimes, but I don’t and I’m not sure why. Lindsay’s also very flaky at times, she tends to skip group events and likes to stay home and keep to herself a lot. I’m one of the few people she goes out with, and a lot of the time it’s just the two of us.
That might be contributable to Lindsay and I both ended up attending the same local university, where only a handful of our friends ended up going, so we end up meeting each other on campus for lunch, or heading off campus for some sort of adventure. Through these lunches and adventures, we’ve gotten a lot closer. Maybe too close. Lately, we’ve gotten so close that some people seem to think we’re dating. It doesn’t help that back in the 9th grade, Lindsay confessed her feelings for me. I ended up dropping the F(riend) bomb on her, simply because I didn’t like how she interacted with her last boyfriend and because that was the beginning of my attraction to guys. She was a little embarrassed about it afterwards and we didn't talk for a while, but eventually we got past it and we've been friends ever since. Back to the present, it feels lately as if she’s sending me mixed signals. She keeps asking me about when I’m going to get a girlfriend (I tell her easier said than done.), and I mentioned I’m one of the few people she goes out with and it’s almost always just the two of us (although a close mutual friend invited us both out recently with her and her boyfriend, which makes me even MORE suspicious...). And with our history, maybe there’s still lingering feelings from 9th grade, who knows. I don’t know if it’s just her personality or if there’s something more, but it’s getting a little awkward, especially with the guys asking when something is going to happen between us two. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, and we’re just that good of friends, but either way I don’t think it’s going to happen.
I’ll be honest and say that dating Lindsay has crossed my mind, but 1) I haven’t been honest with myself about my sexuality and who I am, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to keep that secret from her, especially in a relationship. 2) As a friend, I can deal with Lindsay’s flaws, but as a boyfriend, I can see it getting pretty tiring (hell, its tiring as a friend sometimes). And 3) I don’t want to screw up what we have now; she’s one of the few people I can confide in, and if something goes wrong in the relationship (and with me as confused as I am, I think it’s likely), there’s a short list of other people I could go to. It’s just kind of an odd situation with myself and Lindsay, and I’m just not sure what to do about it right now. Eventually we’ll probably have to have a real discussion about what I’ve talked about here, but until then...?
-Matt
I met Lindsay back in 8th grade when a group of us banded together to help each other with science labs and math homework and the like. She’s the closest thing I have to an older sister: she always has good, practical advice for me despite only being a month older than me, yet she still manages to be playful, bugs me and eggs me on like a sister would. She’s the only other person other than Brian that I can go to with my problems with family, school and the like. What I like about Lindsay is that she makes doing this so easy; she always seems to be so willing to listen, offer her insight and she just creates that environment of openness in the way she talks and expresses herself to me. She’s also not afraid to be blunt and straightforward in conversation, which makes it easier for me to open up (Silence, then out of the blue, “Matt, I have a question. Are you a boob or an ass type of guy?”). She’s also one of the most caring and considerate people I know; she’ll grab me a coffee before we get together sometimes, and she’ll try to transit out somewhere (she doesn’t drive) to meet me so I don’t have to drive so far and use up my gas.
There’s a couple things that bother me about Lindsay though, and it’s been causing some problems, which I’ll get to in a second. First of all, she’s very clingy and touchy-feely, often to the point where it’s uncomfortable. There was one incident at school where Lindsay pissed Danny off by hugging him and clutching his arm tightly in front of a girl he liked, and a lot of the time when we’re walking in the mall, she’ll hang off my arm or the like, so it’s seems like we’re together. Sometimes she’ll get me to call me when I get home after I drop her off, that sort of thing. She’s also very overdramatic, which tests my patience. Sometimes I’ll poke her lightly in the arm and she’ll scream (loudly, at that) and get all mad at me for a bit; I really want to tell her to calm down and get a grip sometimes, but I don’t and I’m not sure why. Lindsay’s also very flaky at times, she tends to skip group events and likes to stay home and keep to herself a lot. I’m one of the few people she goes out with, and a lot of the time it’s just the two of us.
That might be contributable to Lindsay and I both ended up attending the same local university, where only a handful of our friends ended up going, so we end up meeting each other on campus for lunch, or heading off campus for some sort of adventure. Through these lunches and adventures, we’ve gotten a lot closer. Maybe too close. Lately, we’ve gotten so close that some people seem to think we’re dating. It doesn’t help that back in the 9th grade, Lindsay confessed her feelings for me. I ended up dropping the F(riend) bomb on her, simply because I didn’t like how she interacted with her last boyfriend and because that was the beginning of my attraction to guys. She was a little embarrassed about it afterwards and we didn't talk for a while, but eventually we got past it and we've been friends ever since. Back to the present, it feels lately as if she’s sending me mixed signals. She keeps asking me about when I’m going to get a girlfriend (I tell her easier said than done.), and I mentioned I’m one of the few people she goes out with and it’s almost always just the two of us (although a close mutual friend invited us both out recently with her and her boyfriend, which makes me even MORE suspicious...). And with our history, maybe there’s still lingering feelings from 9th grade, who knows. I don’t know if it’s just her personality or if there’s something more, but it’s getting a little awkward, especially with the guys asking when something is going to happen between us two. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, and we’re just that good of friends, but either way I don’t think it’s going to happen.
I’ll be honest and say that dating Lindsay has crossed my mind, but 1) I haven’t been honest with myself about my sexuality and who I am, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to keep that secret from her, especially in a relationship. 2) As a friend, I can deal with Lindsay’s flaws, but as a boyfriend, I can see it getting pretty tiring (hell, its tiring as a friend sometimes). And 3) I don’t want to screw up what we have now; she’s one of the few people I can confide in, and if something goes wrong in the relationship (and with me as confused as I am, I think it’s likely), there’s a short list of other people I could go to. It’s just kind of an odd situation with myself and Lindsay, and I’m just not sure what to do about it right now. Eventually we’ll probably have to have a real discussion about what I’ve talked about here, but until then...?
-Matt
Monday, 6 June 2011
The Guys
FYI, I noticed that anonymous commenting was turned off, so that's been turned on. Don't be afraid to speak it out, I'd love to hear from you, get some new perspectives, etc.
Anyway, I thought I’d write something here more frequently than I have been lately, but I really haven’t felt the need or desire to; I usually only feel the need to write when things bother me or start to suck, which hasn’t happened lately. Things have been going good in life so far: the weather’s actually been decent around here with a good dose of sunshine and warmer temps, rather than being rainy and dreary like it is most of the time, so I’ve been able to do one of my favourite things and drive around with windows and sunroof open, singing and dancing (as much as you can in the driver's seat, anyway) along to the radio. It’s just so liberating to have the wind going through your hair and taking in the fresh air! (I know, my sister thinks I’m a dork too) My martial arts classes started back up too, so I’m also a little more active and energetic than I was before when I was sitting around on my lazy ass. That, and I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot more and having a ton of fun with them.
Being around them though has stirred up a lot of internal conflict and acting that I want to avoid. This weekend, for instance, a group of us went out to do some karaoke, which turned out to be a setup by my buddy Brian and his friend Iris to try and setup the rest of the guys and girls that went along. At the end of the night when he asked both my buddy Nate and I who we thought was cute, it didn’t feel natural just to shrug it off and say they weren’t my type (sort of true though, my taste in girls didn’t match with anyone there). As stupid as it sounds, I even avoided singing certain songs that I knew pretty well, like the Backstreet Boys (no doubt thanks to being a kid in the late 90s...really!) because I didn’t want to seem stereotypically “gay” or the like. Thinking about it more, just coming out to my friends would make life a whole lot easier and I feel as if I could talk to them honestly a lot more, but I still don’t know how they would react.
Which is why I wanted to start talking about them here; maybe in analyzing my relationships with my friends, I can figure out why I feel so afraid as to hide from them. I’ll start with my closest allies, “the guys”. Some dudes call them bros, homies, buddies, pals. Call them what you want, they’re a guy’s group of closest male friends. I keep it simple and refer to them simply as “the guys”. There’s a group of four of us, myself and my buddies Brian, Danny and Nate. Brian, Danny and I are friends from 2nd grade, but it wasn’t till the 9th grade when Nate came along that all of us really started to hang out together on a regular basis. We do all the regular things buddies do together, play video games, shoot pool, grab a bite to eat together, bowling, generally shoot the shit. We keep each other updated throughout the week when we play video games online together and talk about school/work, relationships, roommates, just what’s going on in life in general. We also make it an effort to see each other once a week, usually on a Friday, to hangout, so we’re pretty close and can confide in each other in a pretty meaningful way. Honestly, these are the guys I can see myself playing golf with when we’re 65, having our kids all play together, etc; that’s the sort of close relationship we all have with each other.
Really, I only have one beef with them as a group. Of course, being a group of masculine guys, we’re always poking fun at each other for being feminine or gay, which of course becomes a problem. I know they don’t mean it, since they have gay friends and relatives, but that’s just how it works with a group of masculine guys; bring the other guys down to make yourself more macho, right?
And that’s just another game I have to play. I don’t want to have to brush off one of them or give them a “fuck you” whenever they teasingly ask if I’m a homo. I know what the answer is, but I’m afraid if they knew it, it’d fuck up the group dynamic. My worst fear would be for things to change if I were to come out; I want to be able to tease them about shit and them to tease me right back, but I’m afraid if I were to come out, they wouldn’t feel comfortable joking around simply because some of that is based in teasingly questioning each other’s sexuality. And that’s not to say we should be calling each other fags and making homophobic remarks or the like, but it’s one of those ways a lot of masculine guys use to joke around and bond with each other, so to kill that dynamic I’m afraid will create a huge lull over the group, which I definitely don’t want.
And if you’re wondering, it’s strictly platonic with these guys. They’re the closest thing I have to brothers, so imagine dating your brother and beyond. Completely grossed out now, right? Same way I feel these guys. Besides, if you’ve seen/heard some of the shit they say and do, you’d be completely unattracted to them too, but that’s another story.
-Matt
PS. I’m ClosetCarGuy for a reason (because I love cars, duh), and this is what I’d love to be rocking out in the sun right now, a Honda S2000.
Anyway, I thought I’d write something here more frequently than I have been lately, but I really haven’t felt the need or desire to; I usually only feel the need to write when things bother me or start to suck, which hasn’t happened lately. Things have been going good in life so far: the weather’s actually been decent around here with a good dose of sunshine and warmer temps, rather than being rainy and dreary like it is most of the time, so I’ve been able to do one of my favourite things and drive around with windows and sunroof open, singing and dancing (as much as you can in the driver's seat, anyway) along to the radio. It’s just so liberating to have the wind going through your hair and taking in the fresh air! (I know, my sister thinks I’m a dork too) My martial arts classes started back up too, so I’m also a little more active and energetic than I was before when I was sitting around on my lazy ass. That, and I’ve been hanging out with my friends a lot more and having a ton of fun with them.
Being around them though has stirred up a lot of internal conflict and acting that I want to avoid. This weekend, for instance, a group of us went out to do some karaoke, which turned out to be a setup by my buddy Brian and his friend Iris to try and setup the rest of the guys and girls that went along. At the end of the night when he asked both my buddy Nate and I who we thought was cute, it didn’t feel natural just to shrug it off and say they weren’t my type (sort of true though, my taste in girls didn’t match with anyone there). As stupid as it sounds, I even avoided singing certain songs that I knew pretty well, like the Backstreet Boys (no doubt thanks to being a kid in the late 90s...really!) because I didn’t want to seem stereotypically “gay” or the like. Thinking about it more, just coming out to my friends would make life a whole lot easier and I feel as if I could talk to them honestly a lot more, but I still don’t know how they would react.
Which is why I wanted to start talking about them here; maybe in analyzing my relationships with my friends, I can figure out why I feel so afraid as to hide from them. I’ll start with my closest allies, “the guys”. Some dudes call them bros, homies, buddies, pals. Call them what you want, they’re a guy’s group of closest male friends. I keep it simple and refer to them simply as “the guys”. There’s a group of four of us, myself and my buddies Brian, Danny and Nate. Brian, Danny and I are friends from 2nd grade, but it wasn’t till the 9th grade when Nate came along that all of us really started to hang out together on a regular basis. We do all the regular things buddies do together, play video games, shoot pool, grab a bite to eat together, bowling, generally shoot the shit. We keep each other updated throughout the week when we play video games online together and talk about school/work, relationships, roommates, just what’s going on in life in general. We also make it an effort to see each other once a week, usually on a Friday, to hangout, so we’re pretty close and can confide in each other in a pretty meaningful way. Honestly, these are the guys I can see myself playing golf with when we’re 65, having our kids all play together, etc; that’s the sort of close relationship we all have with each other.
Really, I only have one beef with them as a group. Of course, being a group of masculine guys, we’re always poking fun at each other for being feminine or gay, which of course becomes a problem. I know they don’t mean it, since they have gay friends and relatives, but that’s just how it works with a group of masculine guys; bring the other guys down to make yourself more macho, right?
And that’s just another game I have to play. I don’t want to have to brush off one of them or give them a “fuck you” whenever they teasingly ask if I’m a homo. I know what the answer is, but I’m afraid if they knew it, it’d fuck up the group dynamic. My worst fear would be for things to change if I were to come out; I want to be able to tease them about shit and them to tease me right back, but I’m afraid if I were to come out, they wouldn’t feel comfortable joking around simply because some of that is based in teasingly questioning each other’s sexuality. And that’s not to say we should be calling each other fags and making homophobic remarks or the like, but it’s one of those ways a lot of masculine guys use to joke around and bond with each other, so to kill that dynamic I’m afraid will create a huge lull over the group, which I definitely don’t want.
And if you’re wondering, it’s strictly platonic with these guys. They’re the closest thing I have to brothers, so imagine dating your brother and beyond. Completely grossed out now, right? Same way I feel these guys. Besides, if you’ve seen/heard some of the shit they say and do, you’d be completely unattracted to them too, but that’s another story.
-Matt
PS. I’m ClosetCarGuy for a reason (because I love cars, duh), and this is what I’d love to be rocking out in the sun right now, a Honda S2000.
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