Awkward Giraffe

I’ve been at this blogging for just over a year now, and 47 posts later, I’m happy to say things are a lot better than they were a year ago, and even now things are better than they were six or even three months ago. Coming out has been a huge part of that, since it’s sort of made me realize that most people aren’t nearly as judgmental or non-receptive as I thought they would be. And that doesn’t just go for my sexuality either, it spans to my interests, my personality, who I am really. It just makes it a hell of a lot easier to open up and trust people knowing that they're not as much of a dick you thought they'd be, and most tend to reciprocate that. That being said, I still have my moments of self-doubt and bouts of downward spiraling over thinking. It tends to start with some sort of trigger where the day just isn’t going my way, and then things just seem to snowball where I start to over think and make the little stressors along the day seem that much bigger...and then my day(s) just go to shit from there. Thankfully, it’s been happening less frequently and I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at controlling it. 

It’s a little funny that Kevin happened to ask about the guy from the LGBT centre and what I’d do if I randomly saw him on the street in his comment on my last post, because that’s what totally happened a few weeks ago. Now, if only that had been a week where I wasn’t stressed out and over thinking everything, I might have had my mind in the right place and not been an awkward giraffe (giraffes are awkward animals, right?). Anyway, I had just stepped on the Skytrain, being all cool with my sunglasses on, headphones in, when I noticed him sitting amongst a full row of people...with another guy. Ugh. Now, I don't know for sure if the guy was THAT sort of friend or not, but it definitely threw me off my game since my thought at the time was that I wasn't about to go and try to chat up some dude in front of his (possible) boyfriend. Secondly, and I don't know why I was thinking it, but I didn't want to come across as desperate by whipping off my sunglasses and music to talk to this guy either. Looking back on it now, I know I would have been pretty impressed if a guy took the actually made the effort to turn off his music and took off his sunglasses to look me in the eye and make conversation, so I’m not sure why I thought better of it. And as if I wasn’t being awkward enough, as people slowly started to get off the train, my brilliant ass decided to take a seat right in front of him, hoping equal parts that he would and wouldn't notice me. He didn't, as far as I know, since he got off the train without as much a look, which is why I am still kicking my ass for not saying hello.

So, yes, getting better at controlling the over thinking, but it’s definitely not gone and I still have my moments (although I wish they would come at more opportune times). This certainly wasn’t one of my finer moments, so I’m just let this go, take a mulligan on it and let it be a rather embarrassing motivator to chill out and actually say hi next time.

PS. Am I the only one who would fight Miley Cyrus to the death to be engaged to Liam Hemsworth? I bet I could take her on.