I’m looking for some advice guys, as I’m sort of at a loss of what to
do. Lindsay’s just graduated university, and she’s going to be moving back home
overseas in July for an indefinite amount of time to be with her parents. I had
a feeling for a few years now that this was coming, and it’s going to be hard
to deal with, not being able to just go out and grab a coffee and talking the
night away.
Now that her moving away is real, I’ve had to address some unresolved
issues I have with her. There are still some unanswered questions about the
night I came out to her, particularly why she was crying when I told her. I
still think it might have to do with her letter...which, eight months later, we
still haven’t talked about. I’m ready to talk about it now and I feel as if
I need some closure.
The truth is, I really would have dated her if I had been physically
attracted to her, hell, I even considered dating her even without the physical
attraction. Looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't because it probably wouldn't have ended well and we would have never gotten to where we are today. In a way, I think she’s probably part of the reason why I was so
confused for so long. It’s hard to explain without you guys knowing us, or giving a ton of personal
examples, but we just click. We open up to each other and trust each other with
everything, we have our inside jokes, we can recognize each other’s needs and
have our routines together, and we understand each other. I know what I want
out of a relationship thanks to Lindsay, and now it’s just a matter of finding
that in a guy I’m attracted to.
I’d love to tell her all of this, but I don’t want to risk our
relationship. What do I really have to gain out of telling her all this? We
have a great friendship, and I know now that I’m not attracted to her, it's not going to go any further than that (pretty sure, anyway). I also know she already has her share of boy
problems and moving related things to worry about, and I don’t want to torture her with this. Her being halfway
across the world is probably going to test our relationship enough, and I don’t
want to test it anymore and leave things where we get hurt or angry at each
other.
I’m writing this post in the hopes that expressing this will be enough
to let things go and be able to keep our friendship going business as usual, but I'm not sure. I really thought this part was behind me, that I had gotten through everything with her and our future as friends was going to be perfect. But I just have this annoying itch to let her know how I feel and desire to know what she was feeling that night. So, do I open up to her and let her know how I felt, or do I keep this to myself (and probably my closest buddies) and keep going about our friendship as we have the last few months?
I say keep your mouth shut. You keep talking about your feelings for each other, and I'm sure she "feels" your connection. Why complicate it with words.
ReplyDeleteSad truth is that if you are physically apart, you will eventually drift apart in your friendship to some degree.
You can remain long distance platonic friends, maybe not as close as you are now, so what good would verbalizing your feelings now do? On the flip side, what harm could it do? Only you can answer.
"I’d love to tell her all of this, but I don’t want to risk our relationship. What do I really have to gain out of telling her all this?"
ReplyDeleteI think you answered your own question. The flip side is "What can I lose?" Its a matter of assessment, your assessment. Welcome to adulthood (and no, I'm not trying to be obtuse). Only you can answer whether to carry on as you are, or risk a confrontation which may not end well. I think the reason for her behavior that night is relatively clear. Discussing this with her may confirm it, but she may not be honest with you either - remember she hasn't brought it up either. She may be embarrassed for not seeing that you might have been gay (and possibly having a crush on you).
Consider that this may not be your last opportunity - there will still be communications between Lindsey and yourself. Emotions and anxieties are likely to be higher with her leaving for all parties. There may yet be another time and place.
Her impending departure has created an artificial deadline and that's why the itch to talk is so intense right now. If you take a step back you'll realize that you'll have regular contact with her through skype, facebook and other ways. You have plenty of time to scratch your itch.
ReplyDeleteIf you can avoid the conversation before she leaves there will come a time later on when you'll KNOW it's right to talk to her. The reason you're doubting the idea now is because you instinctively know it's not the right time.
Here's what you have to do. Ask yourself two questions. First, "What would Lindsey gain from this?" Second, "What would I gain from this?" Since she wrote you a letter, you should also write her a letter of what you are feeling and thinking. However, do NOT give it to her, at least not yet. After you answer the first two questions, see if you still want to give the letter to her. Then proceed accordingly. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is to keep your mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteBecause being in love with someone is one of the deepest feelings one can have. Being denied that love is too. In such a way realistic and clever thoughts, explanations and advise will be rejected and 'overruled' by the feeling of being in love. So don't recall those feelings and just enjoy the friendship as it is. Because for here realising her future with you isn't going to happen was probably a feeling as strong as for us realising you'll never have that wife and 3 kids dream coming true. It's someting you wanted but unattainable. Keeping your feelings for yourself will take some effort, but sometimes it takes sacrifices to maintain friendship. It will be worth it.
Second thing is, how much you'll try to explain how you were totally mixed up about your sexuality (which leaded to your attract/rebuff feelings and relationship and you sending her wrong signals), straight people will never really get what you were going trough and understand why you were sending signals of attraction while in fact being attracted to guys.
I've tried several times to explain but it never worked. To the girl that fell in love with me when I was already 'out to myself', to my high school best friend that was my gf for a while (just holding hands and kissing, no sex happened), to friends who are just curious about those things; they just don't get it. Yes I was attracted to guys since the age of like 12, but I didn't see myself as gay and my feelings of love for those girls were real (or felt for me - I know better now being it 'best friends feelings'): how do you explain that? Maybe I just suck at it and you've got more talent, but I doub't it'll work.
So go for your friendship and suck up those feelings, or maybe talk about it with someone else, but not to her.
Well said!!
DeleteDon't know if this applies to you, BUT.....I had friends tell me my close female friend was in love with me and secretly held out we would be together some day. I told them they were totally wrong because I knew better.
ReplyDeleteTurns out I didn't know better and handled it soooo wrong the friendship ended.
maybe you should tell her that you love her as a friend and that you deeply care about her and that there is nothing wrong with her, it's just that you are not attracted to females?
ReplyDeletei don't know, that probably doesn't help at all, good luck though!