Thursday, 2 May 2013

Airing my Grievances

Let this post be a bit of a catharsis and the beginning of something new. I'll get straight to the point: Shane's not interested.

The writing was on the wall from his second reply back. After his original message saying he'd be interested in coffee, I had messaged him back on Tuesday, asking him if he had plans for Sunday afternoon. And he replied back pretty promptly, saying that he didn't have his work schedule for the next week, but he'd keep me posted and asked for my schedule that next week. Okay, I had thought, there's a lot of time between now and Sunday, and he couldn't offer another time after I was done work during the week or on the Friday or Saturday...? But I let it slide despite what my gut was telling me, and I told him I had time after work to meet him downtown or later back in the 'burbs, and that weekend was open as well in hopes that maybe he'd take another time. Fast forward to this past Tuesday (a week later), and he still hasn't replied back, despite his quick replies the last few times. I'm really losing hope now, but I couldn't really leave it where it was, so I sent him one last message asking him if he was still interested in that coffee. Still no reply.

I'm no doubt disappointed, but I'm proud that I actually sucked up my pride and did something outside of my comfort zone. If there's nothing else I can take away from this experience, at least it's that. In some ways, I'm glad he didn't flat-out reject me and give me something to dwell on (I haven't had a particularly good week in the self-confidence department, so I'm a little relieved). I thought about why he would lead me on like that, since he didn't really seem like the type to do that; I could've sworn he was a little more mature and assertive enough to at least give me a "Sorry, I'm not really interested", but I guess I was mistaken. I mean, c'mon, it's the internet...! He didn't even have to say it to my face! I kind of wonder why he also didn't at least give me a shot. It wasn't like I asked him to marry me, all I asked for was a coffee. He could've friend-zoned me and I would have been okay with it (eventually), but I didn't even get a chance at that. It also made me wonder about those messages and things from Nate and Cara, were they just over-exaggerating his interest and maybe THEY were the ones that led me on? Or maybe Nate's lack of attempts to set us up was just a sly way of helping me avoid rejection. I don't particularly want to know. I also have to wonder now if/how I should deal with this between Nate and I. I may just very well leave it until it happens to come up in conversation, and though I'm not particularly happy with this situation, I would never want things to be awkward between Nate and Shane, so I'd rather not bring it up and "air my grievances" to him...

If in the off chance I did end up seeing Shane somewhere, what would I say to him? Part of me wants to be a bit of a petty bitch and tell him that that was a dick move and that he needs to grow a pair if he really wants a boyfriend. In reality though, I would probably be polite about it and tell him that I would have appreciated his honesty in telling me that he wasn't interested and that I'm a big boy, I can handle the rejection, or at least heal after it. Sure, part of me would have loved for things to work out between the two of us, but I would have never wanted to be with a guy that couldn't be honest and express his true feelings with me. 

Anyway, that's that. I did the best I could and put myself out there, and I have no regrets doing it. I did all I could with Shane, and even though it didn't work out, at least I can say I tried. I'm ready to stop wondering about whether this guy likes me or not, and trying to set us up and hint to Nate. It's all over now and I'm ready to move on and put this behind me. Whether it's onto the next guy, or to take a break from dating (which I'm considering, it's been a decent run the last couple of months!) and going back to just making plain old friends, I'm good. I feel better having these feelings and thoughts out of my head, and if this post was a piece of paper, I'd be tearing it into shreds or lighting it on fire, because that's the last I'm ever going to write about Shane. Tomorrow's a new day, we'll see what it has in store for me...


  1. Damn right tomorrow's a new day! Way to suck all this up and move on, that's a sign of real maturity and strength. Give it the time it needs, but way to not dwell on it!

  2. Perhaps others who are more experienced in the art and practice of gay dating can correct me, but I think I've finally figured out how it works - or at least 95% of it. It's called Passive Rejection.

    If you express any interest in a guy and he doesn't respond within 48 hours, he's not interested. I'm sure there are times when a second nudge can get an enthusiastic response, but generally speaking, it won't.

    There's a million reasons why a particular guy might not respond. Yes, maybe he's not into you. But there can be other reasons, like, he's really hoping things work out with some other guy, or, he's in a bad space for whatever reason, or, he can't focus on dating right now because of other demands. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. A quality connection requires two willing and active participants. If the guy is distracted or not into you, pursuing him beyond the first message will only cause you more pain.

    For your own sanity, I suggest that you have zero expectations whenever you contact a guy. Don't expect a response, don't expect his response to be enthusiastic (or genuine) if you actually get one, don't expect that he'll actually meet you, don't expect that a first date will go well, don't expect a good first date will lead to a second date, etc. I realize all that sounds negative but it's about having no expectations, either positive or negative.

    Someone told me I shouldn't complain about going on dates that don't work out until I've met 100 men. He says a reasonable success rate is 2%. If I get to 100 and still haven't met anyone then I'll be at half the typical success rate. THEN I can start complaining. Until then, my experience (and your experience too) is very typical.

    As for mentioning Shane to Nick, don't. Forget the whole thing. This includes saying anything to Shane when you next run into him. Don't ever mention anything. If he brings it up, casually ask him out again. Otherwise, just forget you ever asked or ever cared. Why? Because you don't need the drama. Nothing good will come from being hurt so you might as well give yourself a break and forget it ever happened.

    I realize I may sound very jaded. I'm not. I'm actually quite optimistic that something will work out someday and when it does it will be awesome. But a big part of the reason it will work out is because everything will fall into place naturally. A true match = effortless dating.

    So there's my two cents. Worth every penny, as usual.

  3. sound advice, TwoLives.

    Matt, don't be disheartened. don't take it personally, because like what TL said there are a variety of reasons really.

    don't feel inadequate. and honestly, although i don't use dating sites (no one uses them in my country), i use jackd, and it really seems like most of the time as much as the profile sounds like the dude is totally sincere and ready to date and stuff, he isn't, and is just using it more for like an ego trip. if only dating was easy! how the hell do people get attached lol