So, things with Shane didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped. The dessert plans with him, Cara and Nate sort of fizzled after Cara had homework to do and I ended up leaving my office downtown late that night. But since we were all leaving after work the next day to drive up north to visit Sara who had just moved for school, I had to drop by Nate's and leave my luggage for him to bring the next day. As I got to Nate's and rung the bell, Shane was there putting on his shoes to leave. Like before, he was pretty friendly and carefree upon meeting him again. He also seemed genuinely impressed that I would text my mom during the trip to let her know how I was doing when Nate's mom harassed Nate to do the same. And you know what? I like that he can appreciate that :) And like that, he left. At least he remembered my name...?
As if those plans falling through wasn't bad enough, Shane also bailed on our night out too (which oddly enough, was actually his idea to begin with). Not too choked about that one, since we had a good time anyway. Highlight of the night was when all us (straight-except-for-me) guys were dancing together and even grinding up on each other, despite girlfriends being in tow (and even at their encouragement...!). While I'm glad (and amused) that my buddies are secure enough in their sexuality to do it, honestly, what is it with straight guys and homoeroticism...?!
Anyway, my most recent attempt to get Shane out to do stuff happened last week in preparation for a little Halloween get together I had planned for the weekend. Pumpkin-carving, scary movies, the usual fun stuff. But when I was making the plans with Nate last week, my old bad habits popped up. I too-subtly tried to imply that I wanted Shane there by mentioning who I was going to be inviting, and if there was anyone he wanted to invite. Of course Nate said no, and I spent the next few hours kicking myself for not flat out asking and like before, worrying what that would convey to Nate. But then I got over it; I had already made my intentions pretty clear on the Seattle trip, so what difference would it make if I just straight-up told Nate to invite Shane? And so I text him, saying "Dude, I think you need to invite Shane. He owes us an appearance after he bailed on us last week. :P " And sure enough, Nate promised to ask. Unfortunately it didn't pan out, and I partially expected it to considering last weekend really was the Halloween party weekend, but I'm still glad I managed to get over myself and at least ask.
That's not to say it's not frustrating and discouraging, but I really don't want to give up on a pretty cool guy that I have mutual friends with. That being said, I'm definitely resigned to the fact that this might not work out and to not put too much focus on it and start exploring other avenues. Derek, my one and only gay friend, found out I'm gay after he ran into me at our campus' LGBT a couple times. I might just have to try the online dating thing now because he was one of the barriers (aside from the online dating stigma) of me putting myself out there since I knew he had profiles on a couple different sites. And now wouldn't that just be the most awkward way of a friend finding out you're gay?
Speaking of the LGBT centre, I'm an official office volunteer there now, which is a far cry from a few months ago where I was nervous to even go in. This means I keep the lounge open and help to make sure everyone is feeling comfortable and making sure conversation is respecting people of all genders, sexualities and identities. I'm also responsible for greeting new visitors and orienting them with the space. So far, this role has been really awesome; I've gotten to meet and talk with a lot of cool and different people, and just experience what a laid back, relaxing place the centre is. There's also a lot of books and magazines that touch on all sorts of LGBT issues to keep me occupied during my time there. And while it hasn't happened yet, I'm kind of excited at the idea that I could be the first contact for someone that might need support or help coming out, since that's now something I can relate to and have some insight and experience at that now.
And while things with Shane may not have worked out, I recently accepted a position in government that I'll be starting in the coming months, so some things are still working out in my favour. I don't really want to say too much about it, but I will say I'm happy since it's actually related to my degree and satisfies my aspirations to be working in a position that helps people. It's a bit of a relief too, because it makes me feel like I'm at a place where I'm nearly done my degree and have decent career prospects, so I can focus on doing me a bit more and play more volleyball, hang out with friends, drive my car and try and meet cute guys :)
Anyhoo, that's all for now guys. Stay safe and be yourselves!
-Matt
