How Times Have Changed

So, it's my birthday this week and I think this is one year in a long time that I've actually been really excited for it, mostly because I don't have final exams/papers, but also because I'm actually genuinely happy with where my life is going right now. I remember writing this somewhere, but I treat my birthday as a "New Years'" as I watch the clock turn over from 23 to 24, and take the time to re-evaluate what I've accomplished in the past year and set some goals for myself in the coming year.

This time last year was sort of a funny time for me. I was finally out to a few of my closest friends, but quite a few still didn't know. I remember starting to get a handle on being gay and accepting who I was, even though it still felt awkward at the time. Reading back on some of my posts then, I feel like it really shows, at least compared to now. I still cared a bit on how my friends and family would take it, like it was a big thing. That pressure to make it known and out there is gone, and it truly is just coming up in conversation now, whether it's correcting somebody's use of "girlfriend/future wife/etc" or just talking with co-workers about my dates over the weekend. I've hugged a guy in a "more-than-just-a-bro" way out in public, and while perhaps it's a small step, it's one I don't think I could have made a year ago. Socially and mentally, I'm pleased with the progress I've made. These are two areas where I think I was really lacking the year before, but I've tried. I went to the LGBT Centre, tried the Meetup groups and, of course, the dating thing. For a shy guy like me though, it's not still not easy to put myself out there, and even harder not to beat myself up for minor failures, but I'm proud I can say that I'm at least trying. I took a break from counselling for basically the last year, and while I'm back again, I feel like I'm ready to leave already. Like last time, I just need to learn to be easier on myself and not let my stressors build-up and overwhelm me.

As for the goals for this year, here they are:

• Get into something a little more serious: The dating thing is fun and I'm enjoying getting to know these different guys, but at some point I'd like to get into something a little more serious and see how I do handling and supporting another guy.
• Keep pushing the boundaries..: Keep getting out there to meet new people, because it is tons of fun :-) Find more climbing friends? Volunteer a bit more? Or Gay volleyball maybe? Just do it, wheatever it may be. Texting Britney today, one of the things I'd like to do is randomly give a cute guy my number. Simple, yet reasonably attainable goal.
• ...don't be so hard on myself: It's good to try, but I have to remind myself that if things don't go well or how I'd like them to, it's no big deal and it isn't always my fault or a failing of my character. I just need to remember lots of good stuff does happen (just look at this post!) and still will.
• Finish my degree and/or keep this awesome job: Two semesters. Two semesters! That's all I've got left, and I can totally finish that in a year. Unless I get extended/hired on at my job, which would be pretty sweet too.
• The embarrassing one: Have a first kiss. Lose my virginity. I think I could be in the right place in a year. Why is this on the internet again?

In closing,  I wrote this last year:   

"I went back and read nearly all my posts from the beginning and looking back, it’s really amazing how far I’ve come. If you told me that in a year, I’d accept that I’m gay and be out to my closest friends and family, I would have told you that was bullshit and that I was going to be in the same place as I was back then, too focused on school to find a girlfriend. Funny how times change."

Sitting here a year later, I can pretty much say the same thing, but let's just replace a few words. I'm amazed how far I've come. If you told me that in a year, I'd be going on a few dates, meeting new people and making friends, I wouldn't have believed it. Lets see what this post looks like this time next year.
   

Possibly Platonic...?

After he dropped off the planet, I decided to give Meetup guy, Adam, one last text before I wrote him off. And surprisingly, he responded back with an apology, saying he had only returned from his trip overseas visiting family and had been busy catching up on the backlog of work that had accumulated in his absence. Oops...I felt a little bad about my patience running short with him, but the lunch date we had a few weeks ago made up for it.

It was a simple enough get together, since he only works about 3 blocks away from my office. We grabbed takeout from a nearby Italian bistro and enjoyed one of the first few sunny spring days here. Even though I call it a lunch date, it wasn't a "date" in the sense it was with Alex; we each paid for our own meals and there wasn't really the tension and pressure there was meeting with Alex. It felt like I could've been meeting one of The Guys or Britney or Lindsay for lunch. In comparison to Alex, Adam isn't quite as open about his emotions as Alex (ex. Adam and I haven't talked about coming out, or his relationship with his family all that much vs. Alex), but I like that Adam is way more laid back, optimistic and carefree. We love talking movies, food, travel and hanging out with friends, and we can spend our whole lunch hour talking about that sort of stuff.

Speaking of movies, he invited me to a follow-up hang out the following Saturday to go see the  new Wizard of Oz movie. He was originally planning to go with some of his friends the week before, but since they bailed on him, his plans changed. At first, I thought his friends would show up with us since they had bailed previously, but no...it was just me and him, and since he had some leftover movie tickets, he took care of it for me. Hmmmm. Despite that, it still didn't exactly have that feel of a date; again Adam didn't really press and make a conscious effort to make small talk during coffee afterwards like Alex did in order to get to know me. It was much more casual feeling and the conversation flowed pretty naturally. Anyway, apparently I owe him a lunch now, so I'll be seeing him again soon. 

I'm still not sure exactly what you would define what's going on between us, but I'm enjoying the more relaxed interaction between Adam and I. And because of that, things feel a lot more platonic, which I'm more than happy about. I can see Adam being a better friend to me than a boyfriend. It'd be great to have a gay friend that I can gossip about guys to =P I never thought I would, but I kind of enjoy this dating/getting-to-know-new-guys thing...I'm actually getting a feel for what I like and enjoy in a boyfriend.

And speaking of Alex...he's going to be back in Vancouver next week, and he's already asked if I'm available to hang out. I'm totally down to hang out, but at the same time, I'm nervous. We've been texting back and forth pretty consistently back and forth for about a month now, and I have this sinking feeling he's ready to make a move. During the last text conversation he had, he made several blatant passes at me, which while flattering, were super awkward. I felt bad shutting him down or being wishy-washy. We also had an awkward exchange, in which he made it sound like he  I'm just having too good of a time trying to meet and hang out with these guys, and I don't think I'm ready to commit to anything just yet. But I won't get ahead of myself, lets wait till he gets here and see what happens.

Cliff Notes

Hey! So, life's caught up with me again and I'm behind on blog posts. I've got a couple drafts on the go, but so I don't forget, here's what's been going on lately (in point form):

- Started (wall) climbing pretty seriously, which is stupid fun and a great workout. I love challenging myself to try different and harder routes each time. And LOL at people thinking Britney and I are dating...we just make a cute climbing couple =P

- Alex: is coming back to Vancouver next week, and is really enthusiastic and is conscientiously making an effort to see me. And I mean, REALLY enthusiastic...

- Meetup guy, Adam: returned my text a few weeks ago and we had a lunch date. And then a movie date. Despite me using the word date, we feel pretty friend zone-y.

- Shane: after months of prodding, hinting and awkward moments, I might actually get a chance to see him again and feel things out...Nate let me know I was invited to his birthday celebrations and he "wants me to come" apparently (and no, not in that way...I think.)

- OkCupid: I'm surprised, I've gotten quite a few messages from dudes, and sent out a handful of messages myself. Most are still in the early stages, but there's one so far that seems to warrant a date. Trying to set that up... 

- I'm starting counseling again, albeit with a new counselor: I've done a lot better in the last few months, but I still find myself being overly critical of myself and still have some anxiety issues. It must be almost a year since I've gone, so I think now is a good time to go and reevaluate and get some more guidance in light of all these changes.

- Ummmm...kinda excited the VW GTD is coming to the States (and hopefully Canada!). Love me some fun, green motoring...

What's Shakin', Bakin'?

Ugh, naming these random update posts is hard. Anyway, important things first, the boys:

Alex and I have slowed our texting back and forth a bit; we're down to about every 3-4 days now. At first it was a little disconcerning since it was quite the drop from texting everyday, but also a bit of a relief because it slowed the pace down to a level that soothed my fears of leading him on too early. He always came through and made first contact, though. It's flattering to know that he's still interested, and admittedly, I am too since I decided to make first contact after one or two of those couple day stretches out of concern. I'd like to think that he's still super interested and someone had just warned him not to be too clingy, but I won't toot my horn too loudly :P The conversations we have still aren't that notable...we just talk about our day/weekend, what we did, what we ate, pretty mundane shit. And I don't mind, I think that's what made/makes my relationships with people like Lindsay and Britney so enjoyable and easy, to just be able to shoot the shit so easily, and that's what I'm looking for in a relationship, so maybe, just maybe...

As for Shane, there's *very* gradual progress, although I'm still keeping my hopes up. I'm planning to dedicate an entire post to it, but these little glimmers of hope keep popping up and I keep delaying the post to see where they go. Sorry. But the bottom line: I think Nate gets it now, but whether he does anything or not to help me remains to be seen.

Meetup guy has been a bit of a bust, and I wasn't even aiming for anything else than friends with him :( After our very first lunch back in January, he texted me that he'd be up for another lunch soon. A week later I got an apologetic text saying he was busy with work with a promise to meet up soon. And then I got another like that the week after, and the week after. And then I got a text saying he was leaving the country on a whim to visit his family...that was two weeks ago. Strange, and I hope he's okay. On the list of things to do: check in with him.

Awkward OkCupid guy actually turned out to be a little bit less frustrating than I thought. I gave him a chance and added him on Skype and while still a little awkward, he seems to mean well and I still get the impression he's trying to figure his life out and just needs someone to talk to.

And Mr. Casting Director Co-worker...really nothing to say about him. I hear my sister's accompanying him to a lot of his fancy work events, but not much else.

In general, life's been pretty good. Still some up's and down's, but I'm generally in a good place. After working 6 days a week for a long time, and having classes and work eating up my time before that, it's been a bit of a struggle to actually fill my time with hobbies and things I actually enjoy. I've been enjoying reading the Bourne series (they're some of my favourite movies, so it only made sense I read the books!), playing volleyball (when it's not injuring my back...), wall-climbing and spending time with friends. Oh, and I washed my car for the first time in a good couple months, so it's back to it's shiny, new glory. I was all ready to do a big detail job like I did last year too, until the cold water froze my hand, the clouds rolled in and the wind blew tree debris all over my car, reminding me it's still the middle of February in Vancouver. Guess it'll have to wait till spring.  

That's all for now, but I've got a couple vlogs in mind that I've been itching to do...it's just a matter of finding a better camera, so stay tuned...

I Might be Addicted

Oh god, what is wrong with me?

In between our dates and since he's left, I've been texting back and forth with Alex, and it's just the most random stuff we'll talk about. It's funny, my friends have heard me rave about this guy, but yet I can't even tell them what we talk about and why that makes me excited, since it's so mundane. He'll check in on me to see how I'm doing, we'll talk about our plans for the day, hell, even what we're having for lunch. And I can't help but feel a bit giddy and let a smile creep across my face when I see the LED on my phone blink. It's seriously a struggle...he keeps talking about things he wants to do the next time he's back in Vancouver, how he wants to spend more time here, and then he asks me if I'd spend some of that time with him. I say, maybe a little too enthusiastically, that I'd definitely like to hang out again and end up wondering what the hell I'm doing. I know I could stop talking or try to end the conversation, but I can't help it, I don't want to.

It wasn't supposed to go this way, at least not this quickly. I'm sitting here, writing the third post in three days about this guy, wondering what happened to taking things slowly, meeting new people and making friends first before getting into any sort of relationship. Part of me is saying, hit the brakes and stop leading this guy on, there's still sooo many more guys to date, so why start a relationship with the very first date now? Besides, it's only been two dates! What are you doing?! The other side says this feels so right, that he's a really sweet guy and I remind myself that I can connect with him in a way that I can with only a select few people.

I'm both impressed and completely astounded with myself. This is absolutely crazy.

Conflicted

Despite us only having messaged each other back and forth, Alex seems to be picking up on my personality and likes pretty quickly, which was reflected in our second date, which involved us getting gelato, realizing there were no seats in the cafe, and us sitting in his car talking. Regardless, I still I had a great time and even appreciated the simplicity and intimacy of just talking in the car.

First-First Date

Well, if I wasn't dating before, I definitely am now. Alex, the Vancouver transplant from San Francisco I met on OkCupid messaged me during the week asking to meet up while he was in town this weekend. And, for something different, I decided to go for it.

By all accounts, things should've gone awkwardly. I had a pretty significant anxiety attack this week and wasn't feeling too confident in my sociability, and not having a coffee for a week made me pretty jittery and nervous, as if I wasn't already in preparation for what was an actual date in my mind. But it's amazing what the right person can do. He was really easy to talk to, and despite my nerves, we never really dropped conversation. We seem to share the same values, like closeness with family, friends and dedication to self-improvement. Even where we are in life seems somewhat similar; we're both mostly out to our friends and family and we're looking to enrich our relationships with people. We share a similar outlook on life (cheerful, or at least trying to make it that way) and while initially I didn't think he was my type, in person he was pretty cute. 

One of the things I wasn't used to was being on the receiving end of chivalry. As soon as I arrived at the coffee shop, he offered to buy me a coffee and as soon as I was done that, he offered to get up and get me a mug of hot water. And at the end, just as we were about to depart, he gave my arm a bit of a caress, which I wasn't used to. I guess because normally I'm  the guy to take charge and take care of my friends, it was a little odd to sit back and have this guy wait on me. Not to say it felt awkward, it was actually nice for a change, it just felt...foreign.

Now, I'm not sure where he wants to take this, but he's definitely looking for a boyfriend. In our conversation about our extended families and coming out, he mentioned that he was catching flack from his grandmother for not seeing someone and how at 30, he's really the last one out of his cousins and siblings to not being someone over to family dinners. He seemed pretty hopeful that that trend would end soon. We also talked about moving out and being independent, so I inadvertently asked him if he would ever consider moving back to Vancouver. Even though most of his job prospects are down in California, he would consider coming back for his family, a decent job...and the right guy. Definitely for the right guy. Hmmm. I'm curious to see where he wants to go with this, and whether he would be okay with the glacial pace that I would like to see. In the meantime, I'll keep my options open. 

So overall, a pretty solid first date; and it must've been in his eyes too since he asked me for a second date before he flies back to San Francisco on Monday =)