Advice Needed

I’m looking for some advice guys, as I’m sort of at a loss of what to do. Lindsay’s just graduated university, and she’s going to be moving back home overseas in July for an indefinite amount of time to be with her parents. I had a feeling for a few years now that this was coming, and it’s going to be hard to deal with, not being able to just go out and grab a coffee and talking the night away.

Now that her moving away is real, I’ve had to address some unresolved issues I have with her. There are still some unanswered questions about the night I came out to her, particularly why she was crying when I told her. I still think it might have to do with her letter...which, eight months later, we still haven’t talked about. I’m ready to talk about it now and I feel as if I need some closure.

The truth is, I really would have dated her if I had been physically attracted to her, hell, I even considered dating her even without the physical attraction. Looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't because it probably wouldn't have ended well and we would have never gotten to where we are today. In a way, I think she’s probably part of the reason why I was so confused for so long. It’s hard to explain without you guys knowing us, or giving a ton of personal examples, but we just click. We open up to each other and trust each other with everything, we have our inside jokes, we can recognize each other’s needs and have our routines together, and we understand each other. I know what I want out of a relationship thanks to Lindsay, and now it’s just a matter of finding that in a guy I’m attracted to.

I’d love to tell her all of this, but I don’t want to risk our relationship. What do I really have to gain out of telling her all this? We have a great friendship, and I know now that I’m not attracted to her, it's not going to go any further than that (pretty sure, anyway). I also know she already has her share of boy problems and moving related things to worry about, and I don’t want to torture her with this. Her being halfway across the world is probably going to test our relationship enough, and I don’t want to test it anymore and leave things where we get hurt or angry at each other.

I’m writing this post in the hopes that expressing this will be enough to let things go and be able to keep our friendship going business as usual, but I'm not sure. I really thought this part was behind me, that I had gotten through everything with her and our future as friends was going to be perfect. But I just have this annoying itch to let her know how I feel and desire to know what she was feeling that night. So, do I open up to her and let her know how I felt, or do I keep this to myself (and probably my closest buddies) and keep going about our friendship as we have the last few months?

Just Living the Semi-Out Life

Hey guys...long time, no post. School kinda took up a lot of time, but it’s over and I ended up doing really well in my classes, blah, blah, blah. Now, on to more interesting topics...

Before classes ended, there was a cute guy I was interested in getting to know coming into the LGBT centre at school. I wish there was more to say about it, but it worked out that I was always only in the centre once a week for an about an hour while he was there. In addition to that, a couple times he was chatting with others in the centre, which made it hard for me to break into the group and to try to get to know him one-on-one. He did try to chat me up once, out of politeness or something else I don’t know, but I was a little too self-conscious and nervous to make any sort of real conversation. And I swear I caught him checking me out a couple of times, but that could be my wishful thinking. I feel like such a teenage girl, way too self-conscious and I’m completely out of my element, not having any idea of how to talk and try to pick up this guy. It sucks too, because he seems like a really friendly, personable guy, but I know neither he or I will be on campus during the summer (even though we run on a tri-semester system), so if I ever have another chance to try and get to know him, it won’t be until at least September. Soooo, if out some freak chance that he reads this, is still interested and figures out who he is: Buddy. You. Me. Coffee. Email me. :)

Call me...maybe?

An Old Coming Out Letter

I mentioned here that I originally wrote a letter to Lindsay and Brian to come out to them, which I never gave to them. It's sort of neat reading this letter back to myself and comparing it to how open I am with both of them now. Anyway, here we go:

Still Kicking!

A lot can happen in three and a half weeks, so I’m going to try and condense this down the best I can, but I can tell you now that it’s still going to be a novel.

I’ll start with an explanation of what happened at that fateful counselling session. Liz and I came to the conclusion that I lead my life by following what people want or expect from me (or at least what I assume those things are). Where a lot of my stress originated from was forcing myself to do things I don’t necessarily enjoy, but since it’s what people expected me to, I did it anyway. So the solution we discussed was to find something that genuinely made me happy, not anybody else, as to boost my confidence and focus on something other than worrying about pleasing other people. I ended up misinterpreting that to mean that I was on my own to find what made me happy and that no one else could be around me since they could potentially influence what I decide to do, and the ruminating snowballed from there. And that’s what brought me to my last post.

Abandoned

I wish I could start the New Year with a positive post, but that isn’t going to happen unfortunately. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been around my friends and family for the holidays and hearing how great things are for them and how awful things are for me in comparison, but I’ve just been so frustrated and angry with how things are going in life right now.

I found out this week that Lindsay has a new boyfriend. And you know what? I’m upset about it and I didn’t understand why until I started writing this post. I feel crazy saying it, but it’s because I feel abandoned and betrayed by her. This crazy part of me thinks that maybe she was only “friends” with me all these years because she wanted a chance with me, and once I came out and made it painfully obvious that it wasn’t going to happen, it now feels like she ditched our “friendship” for another romantic interest. I’m angry over the fact that I thought I made it clear that we were just friends and clearly she didn’t see it that way. So when I needed a friend, she bailed on me just because her feelings for me got in the way, when in my mind they never should have existed in the first place. I’m angry at myself after looking back on things, since I might have behaved in a way that might have misled her, and that this could be my own fault that I’m in this scenario. I’m also jealous of the fact that she managed to move on so easily, whereas I’m still in the same place, licking my wounds and stewing over what should have been.   

No New Conclusions

Okay, time to play some catch up. I went back to counselling last week, and I’ve got to say it really helped. I’m a lot less anxious, feel a lot more social and I’ve just been more at peace with myself this entire week, which is a nice change. I just feel like I have a plan on where I want to go with my coming out, my relationships and now I’m not so worried about everything. It’s odd though, because all the revelations I’ve made since then aren’t really anything new or ground breaking, they’re things I knew subconsciously, but I suppose I needed the “push” to actually fully realize it.

The most important revelation I made was that I really want(ed?) to be perfect. I want to be everything for everyone. I seem to think I need to be an expert on and have all the same interests and tastes as everyone else. Plus, I thought that any little flaw I see in myself needs fixing, and all these flaws seem to compound, so I can’t move on until everything gets fixed. Confused? Say if I wanted to be more outgoing, I should be more talkative, but being more talkative should mean I’m not obnoxious or conceited...and it goes on. And I started to realize that this is ridiculous; there are 7 billion people in the world, I’m not going to be able to please every single person, so what is the point in stressing about trying to impress and change myself for everyone? Just because I’m not big into sports, or someone else isn’t into cars, doesn’t mean we can’t get along or enjoy each other’s company. I keep reminding myself that people are going to look past my flaws and embrace the other parts of my personality, so I really don’t need to keep “fixing” things. I just really need to be myself.

I’m also starting to relax a little about the Lindsay situation. I think I mentioned I haven’t spoken to Lindsay in a while (probably about 2 months now?), but I never really mentioned why. The last time I spoke to her, I really pissed her off. Short version of what happened is I assumed that she didn’t care about me, when in reality she was busy with dealing with her own problems and I tried to force her into telling me about her problems when she clearly wasn’t comfortable or ready to share. I feel like a jerk now, but at the time I felt like she owed me to tell me all her problems since we were such great friends and I told her my biggest secrets. So because I wanted to reciprocate and be Lindsay’s shoulder to cry on, I ended up pushing her even further away by trying to pry into whatever was bothering her. And now I realize I can’t manipulate and force things out of her (and my other relationships for that matter), it just doesn’t work that way.  It still stings a little to not hear from her in so long, and part of me is afraid that she’s not coming back after the way I left things. I let Liz know this and she had this to say:

“She was in love with you, Matt. And now she’s realized that she can never have what she really wants, and that’s got to hurt. So let her go off for a while and lick her wounds, and she’ll be back.”

I hope she’s right. I suppose time will tell...

-Matt

Lindsay's Letter

I’ve been struggling the last few days whether or not to post this up, but I think I need to because I am just at a complete loss at how to deal with this. 

Before I left dropping Lindsay off at her place on Sunday, she handed me a letter to read when I was alone. This is what it said:

 

Dear Matt,

It’s weird for me to be writing you a letter when not 30 minutes ago that you dropped me off. I don’t know if or when I’ll send you this letter. Maybe you’ll never see this letter and I’m just venting here. Not sure if you remember, but today is, or was, the day you told me about all the cans of worms that you have been guarding. Honestly, when you told me that you might like guys and I just started crying, I have no idea why...or maybe I do...not sure. I guess it just felt like my heart was breaking because either:

1. I still like you “that” way in a small part of me, OR
2. I began to harbour feelings for you again without me knowing/realizing...who knows right?

I mean, I still don’t know. Maybe that as I’m still writing this letter, I’m still in shock because my mind is still blank and I’m still rambling. For one second right now, I think to myself, “Has or will Matt like me “that” way?” But at the same time, I find myself foolish for thinking this and writing it down. It’s been forever since I wrote in my diary and I guess this is one way to help me digest. This is my first and maybe not my last letter, who knows right? But in the end just know this – I accept you and I still love you as you are.

With love,

Lindsay

She Gets It (Part 2)

I felt great about coming out last night, but after today, I’m a little more melancholy with the whole situation. When I picked Lindsay up this morning, you could sense a little awkwardness in the air. We acted like nothing happened, made small talk and I dropped her off at school.

It was still like this when I picked her up again later in the afternoon. It wasn’t till I parked the car and we tried to discuss things again that the mood changed. It was different from last night, Lindsay seemed a lot more annoyed and angry at me as we discussed why I had dropped that bombshell on her last night. Neither of us knew how to feel, or what to say. She wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how, she didn’t understand how I felt and blamed herself for contributing to me having to lie to her. I couldn’t even begin to tell her how I felt either... I didn’t even know, and I told her that I’ve gotten too good at lying and suppressing my emotions, so how could I tell her what I was feeling?

The Biggest Can of Worms (Part 1)

Every out-gay guy has one...a coming out story. I wrote mine over two posts, this post (Part 1), tells what happened last night (Sept. 24th) and Part 2 tells today’s (Sept. 25th) follow-up.

Honestly, the days leading up to last night, the 24th of September, were just absolute hell. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where thoughts of suicide were ever stronger. Here’s a list of problems (which I owe to myself to delve into deeper later) that compounded into a depression that made me feel alone, angry, sad and everything in between:

- Lack of communication between The Guys
- Lack of communication between my dad
- General lack of communication (seeing a trend here...)
- My educational and career future
- Kenny’s moving away
- Ill grandparents
- And of course, the big secret.

I just couldn’t stand it anymore, so I called the only person I thought I ask to go for coffee and get some of the burden off my chest. Lindsay was pretty busy with other things, but I was pretty pushy and desperate, so she accepted anyway. We started talking about the usual stuff, school, and then work. That lead to me venting my feelings about what’s going on with my job and me returning to school, and Lindsay quickly picked up that there was a reason why I was so pushy and insistent about going for coffee. So she listened, comforted me and offered advice as I vented about each of the problems above (except for the big one of course), referring to each as “a can of worms”.

"If my kids were gay, I would just..."

I feel as if I'm pretty fortunate in terms of acceptance of gays: my friends, family and acquaintances are all fairly liberal and educated and I live in a fairly liberal part of the country where there's a whole mix of people from different walks of life, so I feel as if most people I encounter are fairly tolerant of diversity. Well, today I got my first real dose of homophobia, something that wasn't just my buddies fooling around and being stupid. This was serious, brutally honest opposition to homosexuality that I haven't really experienced before and I'm still a little shocked and shook up writing about it.

I have a partner who I share my duties with, Angela, at my summer job. She's a little middle aged Korean lady who really is the sweetest thing ever: she's always looking out for me, taking over tasks from me so I don't have to work so much, offering me snacks and coffee throughout the day, keeping me company and opening up all the office social circles for me. We chat a lot with each other since her desk is next to mine, often with her giving me good life advice. She kind of reminds me of some of my aunts or my grandmother, motherly, yet very affectionate and respectful. She's a funny character and her warmth and kindness makes me smile whenever I'm around her.

Lindsay

I’ve had way too much excitement already today. I just got a call from Brian saying he’s in the hospital after he flipped his car on the highway this morning. I talked to him briefly; he seems okay, a little groggy and dizzy, plus he doesn’t remember what happened, but he managed to text and talk to me over the phone before the doctors started examining him, so I’m hoping it’s nothing too serious. Still worried for him though. Add to that I’ve been playing telephone tag with a company I applied to and now I’m waiting for a call back to do a telephone interview, so I’m a complete wreck right now. I figured I would try and do some writing to distract me and calm my nerves.

I met Lindsay back in 8th grade when a group of us banded together to help each other with science labs and math homework and the like. She’s the closest thing I have to an older sister: she always has good, practical advice for me despite only being a month older than me, yet she still manages to be playful, bugs me and eggs me on like a sister would. She’s the only other person other than Brian that I can go to with my problems with family, school and the like. What I like about Lindsay is that she makes doing this so easy; she always seems to be so willing to listen, offer her insight and she just creates that environment of openness in the way she talks and expresses herself to me. She’s also not afraid to be blunt and straightforward in conversation, which makes it easier for me to open up (Silence, then out of the blue, “Matt, I have a question. Are you a boob or an ass type of guy?”). She’s also one of the most caring and considerate people I know; she’ll grab me a coffee before we get together sometimes, and she’ll try to transit out somewhere (she doesn’t drive) to meet me so I don’t have to drive so far and use up my gas.

There’s a couple things that bother me about Lindsay though, and it’s been causing some problems, which I’ll get to in a second. First of all, she’s very clingy and touchy-feely, often to the point where it’s uncomfortable. There was one incident at school where Lindsay pissed Danny off by hugging him and clutching his arm tightly in front of a girl he liked, and a lot of the time when we’re walking in the mall, she’ll hang off my arm or the like, so it’s seems like we’re together. Sometimes she’ll get me to call me when I get home after I drop her off, that sort of thing. She’s also very overdramatic, which tests my patience. Sometimes I’ll poke her lightly in the arm and she’ll scream (loudly, at that) and get all mad at me for a bit; I really want to tell her to calm down and get a grip sometimes, but I don’t and I’m not sure why. Lindsay’s also very flaky at times, she tends to skip group events and likes to stay home and keep to herself a lot. I’m one of the few people she goes out with, and a lot of the time it’s just the two of us.

That might be contributable to Lindsay and I both ended up attending the same local university, where only a handful of our friends ended up going, so we end up meeting each other on campus for lunch, or heading off campus for some sort of adventure. Through these lunches and adventures, we’ve gotten a lot closer. Maybe too close. Lately, we’ve gotten so close that some people seem to think we’re dating. It doesn’t help that back in the 9th grade, Lindsay confessed her feelings for me. I ended up dropping the F(riend) bomb on her, simply because I didn’t like how she interacted with her last boyfriend and because that was the beginning of my attraction to guys. She was a little embarrassed about it afterwards and we didn't talk for a while, but eventually we got past it and we've been friends ever since. Back to the present, it feels lately as if she’s sending me mixed signals. She keeps asking me about when I’m going to get a girlfriend (I tell her easier said than done.), and I mentioned I’m one of the few people she goes out with and it’s almost always just the two of us (although a close mutual friend invited us both out recently with her and her boyfriend, which makes me even MORE suspicious...). And with our history, maybe there’s still lingering feelings from 9th grade, who knows. I don’t know if it’s just her personality or if there’s something more, but it’s getting a little awkward, especially with the guys asking when something is going to happen between us two. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, and we’re just that good of friends, but either way I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I’ll be honest and say that dating Lindsay has crossed my mind, but 1) I haven’t been honest with myself about my sexuality and who I am, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to keep that secret from her, especially in a relationship. 2) As a friend, I can deal with Lindsay’s flaws, but as a boyfriend, I can see it getting pretty tiring (hell, its tiring as a friend sometimes). And 3) I don’t want to screw up what we have now; she’s one of the few people I can confide in, and if something goes wrong in the relationship (and with me as confused as I am, I think it’s likely), there’s a short list of other people I could go to. It’s just kind of an odd situation with myself and Lindsay, and I’m just not sure what to do about it right now. Eventually we’ll probably have to have a real discussion about what I’ve talked about here, but until then...?

-Matt