Invite your "Friend"

As far as coming out goes, it's almost a non-issue...more and more of my co-workers are starting to find out as I fill them in on my weekends and share little tidbits of my life. It's getting easier and easier each time, and there's a pretty large audience that knows. Despite that, there's still times that I get reminded that I'm a SEMI-out gay guy. Case in point: my grandparents.

My actual birthday was on a weekday this year, so I saved my celebrating and partying for a weekend. To celebrate the day of, my mom made a nice dinner and invited my grandparents over to join us. Not wanting to celebrate alone with just my family, I invited my dear confidante Britney over too. We sit around the table, me next to Britney and her next my grandparents. And of course, being the polite, cordial, sweetheart that she is, Britney offered to serve my grandparents, talked with them when she could and was just her usual awesome self. We all finish dinner, and my grandparents leave so my grandfather can catch the end of the Canucks game, and Britney and I make our way to play the new Tomb Raider (which is awesome BTW).

Fast forward a week or so later, and I come home from work to my mom who reminds me in an unusually serious voice that we have a large family dinner this coming weekend. I could already tell by the tone of her voice where this was going. She continues on..."We might have given your grandparents the wrong impression the other night. They asked for you to invite your 'friend' along".  I just laughed in my head, of course they would make that assumption; everybody does when they see Britney and I together. My mom's tone lightens a little and she tells me that they thought Britney was very sweet and polite, and that she's a good girl.

Now sure, maybe they were just being polite by praising Britney and inviting her to dinner, but in my mom's side of the family, bringing a "friend" to a large family gathering sets a precedent. Every single one of my cousins' "friends" that got invited dinner are still coming to dinner. My sister's "friend"? She's living with him. My oldest cousin's "friend"? Father of her kids. Second oldest cousin's "friend"? Married him then got divorced (she's the only "friend" that doesn't show up to family dinners anymore...). So naturally, I had my mom graciously turn down the invite for Britney, or otherwise risk giving my grandparents a complex down the road.

I found the whole situation pretty funny, it feels like a huge inside joke now when somebody isn't aware, but maybe not so much for my mom. I know she'll do it, but I don't think she's exactly counting down the days to when she has to explain things to my grandparents. It'll happen sooner or later, two of my single, older cousins catch flak from my grandmother as to why they aren't married yet, I'm probably immune because I'm still in school, but give it a couple years...I'll get it too. I almost wish I could do it myself, but unfortunately I don't speak Taishanese or Cantonese, it's on her. I could make out with a dude in front of my grandparents, but since I don't speak the language, I won't understand anything that come my way; all the questions/concerns/fallout will have to be taken by her. I remember my mom and I had a brief conversation in the days following me coming out to her. She thinks that my grandparents may not understand and will be concerned (for my mom, of all people...), but they'll accept it. They like tradition, but they're not about to let that get in the way of the family's happiness. They've accepted the fact that my aforementioned cousin with kids will not get married after being together for 20 years and the fact that my other cousin got divorced and the fact that my sister is living with her boyfriend. So what's a gay grandson? If there's a reason to be worried, it's about the stress coming out is going to bring on my mom. And even that, she'll live =P

But don't let me get ahead of myself, I still need to find a boyfriend to bring to family dinners first...

"So Which Did You Choose?"

"None of them."

"Why? Not hot enough?"

"No."

"Were they dumb?"

"No."

"Too white? Not white enough?"

"No dude...they weren't guys."

It still baffles me that some people really have no clue that I'm gay. I guess it doesn't help that I tell stories like how I met the Twins, and everyone seems to put two and two together, giving me this kind of mischievous grin expecting me to tell this story of how I picked up one of them. Yeah, no.

Anyway, Kenny's my buddy from high school who moved to the middle of nowhere right around the time I first came out, and last weekend was only the second time he had been back in town since he had left 8 months ago. He's one of those people I thought needed to hear it coming from my own mouth, but since I wasn't out to anybody except Lindsay when he was back at Christmas, I hadn't gotten a chance or felt comfortable enough to tell him in person till now. So over breakfast, we were talking about what we were doing for the rest of the day, and I had plans to hang out with Nate and the Twins, and so of course I had to explain to him how we all met and thus the above conversation. I really don't think he believed me at first, since he had to ask me multiple times if I really was gay, but his tone also said he knew I wouldn't bullshit him like that, especially over something as important as my sexuality. He asked me the standard questions like everyone else, how long I knew, who else knew, and then proceeded to sit there and look into space for a good ten or fifteen seconds in silence. Then he looked at me and told me that he legitimately couldn't think of any instance that would have tipped him off, and that he was perfectly cool with it.

Maybe it's just me (and please let me know if it isn't!), but I don't really know if the coming out process will ever be truly seamless and not awkward. I've got a few coming out experiences under my belt now, and I would say this one was the most relaxed and smoothest so far. Yet, I guess since you're exposing such a personal and private part of yourself, I find it's really hard to follow-up in conversation after that. What are you supposed to talk about after that!? Cars, apparently for Kenny and I, but whatever. I suppose it's one of those things that just has to be done, it's awkward for a bit, and you move on, which it did pretty quickly for Kenny and I.

Anyway, that's another one off a now very short list. Really, there's only one more that I REALLY want to tell, and that's my pretty-openly-gay friend Derek.I'm curious to see what his reaction's going to be, because I have a feeling he's either A) going to flip out and be super excited or B) be all "Oh, I kind of figured that already" and just wave it off. Other than that, there's a few distant friends that I haven't seen in a while, but it's sort of a "need-to-know" basis now, when I see them and if it comes into conversation, I'm not going to lie and I'll tell them, very much like I did with Kenny.

I've got a few more stories to tell from the last little while, so I'm going to have to put my ass in gear and get those down too :) Until then guys, be yourselves!

Just Living the Semi-Out Life

Hey guys...long time, no post. School kinda took up a lot of time, but it’s over and I ended up doing really well in my classes, blah, blah, blah. Now, on to more interesting topics...

Before classes ended, there was a cute guy I was interested in getting to know coming into the LGBT centre at school. I wish there was more to say about it, but it worked out that I was always only in the centre once a week for an about an hour while he was there. In addition to that, a couple times he was chatting with others in the centre, which made it hard for me to break into the group and to try to get to know him one-on-one. He did try to chat me up once, out of politeness or something else I don’t know, but I was a little too self-conscious and nervous to make any sort of real conversation. And I swear I caught him checking me out a couple of times, but that could be my wishful thinking. I feel like such a teenage girl, way too self-conscious and I’m completely out of my element, not having any idea of how to talk and try to pick up this guy. It sucks too, because he seems like a really friendly, personable guy, but I know neither he or I will be on campus during the summer (even though we run on a tri-semester system), so if I ever have another chance to try and get to know him, it won’t be until at least September. Soooo, if out some freak chance that he reads this, is still interested and figures out who he is: Buddy. You. Me. Coffee. Email me. :)

Call me...maybe?

Twin Power

Dear papers – please stop screwing with my blogging time. Please and thanks :-)

Anyhoo, I really wanted to dedicate a post to a couple sort-of-new-good friends of mine, The Twins, Cara and Sara. After all that’s happened in the last few months, like coming out to my friends, building my confidence and working on my social skills, I think I’ve finally started to slowly find myself. I’m kind of in that mindset where I don’t really care about finding a guy; I mean sure, I’m starting to put myself in positions where potentially I could, and perhaps if he comes along, great, but I’m having an awesome time just trying to find what makes me happy and trying out new things. And that’s where The Twins come in.

An Old Coming Out Letter

I mentioned here that I originally wrote a letter to Lindsay and Brian to come out to them, which I never gave to them. It's sort of neat reading this letter back to myself and comparing it to how open I am with both of them now. Anyway, here we go:

Telling Danny

“I guess I should put Danny in the loop, shouldn’t I?”

Both Nate & Brian nodded silently.

“Do you know why I bought cough drops tonight?”

“Because you have mono?” Danny asked, concerned.

“Uh...no. It’s because I didn’t want to hack through me telling you that I’m gay.”

It’s sucked not being able to tell Danny since us Guys are pretty close and he’s been the odd man out the last few weeks, but he lives in the city and has a pretty active social life, so it’s been difficult getting a chance to. But since we were getting together in the suburbs on one of the last days of his midterm break, I was going to go for it because I knew my next chance wasn’t going to be for a while.

So after dinner and purposely picking up cough drops to fight this stupid cough I’ve had all week so I could tell him, I just went for it. He seemed sort of perplexed at first, but proud of me for telling him. I think he was (and still is?) sort of unsure where the boundaries are talking about my sexuality with me, because he got really quiet afterwards and didn’t really ask me much until he overheard me later in the night talking to Nate about maybe going to a rock climbing class with an LGBT climbing group (more on that later).  He started to ask me a few questions after that, with a lot starting with “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but...”. We've got a little bit of work to do there, but I'm happy all The Guys know and are cool with it. Danny even offered to set me up to go clubbing with a lesbian friend of his. Interesting offer, clubbing isn’t really my thing, but again it’s nice to know that the support is there.

Also interesting is when we were in the car leaving Danny’s place, Nate and Brian were telling me how relieved they were that I had told him. I guess they were feeling pretty awkward every time Danny made a gay joke with them knowing about me. Brian even got really apologetic about making those jokes around me in the past too, since he must have realized how uncomfortable it was for me, which I really appreciated. I don’t hold any resentment against them, it’s just one of those ways masculine guys tease each other, but I’m glad they’ve seen the error of their ways.

All in all, a good Friday night :)

Still Kicking!

A lot can happen in three and a half weeks, so I’m going to try and condense this down the best I can, but I can tell you now that it’s still going to be a novel.

I’ll start with an explanation of what happened at that fateful counselling session. Liz and I came to the conclusion that I lead my life by following what people want or expect from me (or at least what I assume those things are). Where a lot of my stress originated from was forcing myself to do things I don’t necessarily enjoy, but since it’s what people expected me to, I did it anyway. So the solution we discussed was to find something that genuinely made me happy, not anybody else, as to boost my confidence and focus on something other than worrying about pleasing other people. I ended up misinterpreting that to mean that I was on my own to find what made me happy and that no one else could be around me since they could potentially influence what I decide to do, and the ruminating snowballed from there. And that’s what brought me to my last post.

My Family Knows My Secret, Amongst Other Things

I had a pretty emotional week...I basically had a nervous breakdown Wednesday night, triggered by my counselling session earlier in the day. It’s a story I want to share in another post, but what you need to know for now is that I was extremely anxious to the point where I couldn’t sleep and my mind kept ruminating to the point where I just felt helpless and alone.

The anxiety and fear of being alone was so bad I just had to talk to someone, so I decided to tell everything to the person I trusted the most at the time, my mom. Being up the whole night, I pulled her aside as soon as I heard her up and I started telling her about counselling, what we talked about that had stressed me out and just all the worries that were coming to my head. And she comforted me through it all, but of course she wanted to know what had made me decide to go see Liz in the first place. I hesitated for a second, but by then I was just so emotional and had everything on the table, plus she seemed more concerned about my deteriorating mental health, so I went and told her how I went after coming out to Lindsay and the loneliness that came from her pulling back. We both glossed over the fact that I had admitted I was struggling with my sexuality to talk about my other worries, but we eventually got to discuss it later. 

My mom’s been extremely supportive about the whole thing. She told my dad and my sister about most things we talked about, including my sexuality issues, so I wouldn’t get stressed over it, which is fine by me. I don’t think there was going to be an easy/non-awkward/casual way of telling my dad, so I’m okay with that, but I was hoping my sister would get to hear it from my mouth, rather than my mom’s. But whatever, I’m just happy that they know, and that they’re supportive and accepting of everything that’s going on. My sister let me know today that she’s always there to talk and support me, and that nothing I could ever say would faze her. She also told me that she’s always looked p to me, which was really uplifting. 

My mom and I have had a few conversations about my sexuality; it’s really weird for me to be talking about my attractions with my mom, but I explained (awkwardly and nervously) the different dimensions of my attractions to men and women, about all the hiding and my feelings on being confused and the LGBT community. She’s told me some of the coming out experiences of some of her gay/lesbian friends and the happiness they’ve found in their partners, which was comforting not only to hear about other people’s experiences, but it showed my mom’s acceptance of the LGBT community. She even offered to get one of her gay friends to talk with me about his experiences. Not sure if I’m going to take her up on the offer, but it might be interesting. Anyway, what she tells me following every conversation is that she just wants to see me happy with someone, whether it be a man or a woman, that they can support me and for me to equally support them. I’m sure hoping for the same thing. :)

So there you have it. It wasn’t the cleanest way of coming out to my family and not at all how I planned it, but I’m glad it’s known and that weight is off my shoulders. Best of all, I’ve got my family behind my back. :)

My "Coming Out" Plan

I thought this deserved its own post, so double the postings tonight. Anyway, in counselling Liz and I discussed my options for dealing with my secret. We came up with three options:

1. I keep the secret to myself and continue living my life; after all, I’m not really obligated to tell anyone, but... It’s not really an option in my mind. It’s what I’ve been doing for years, and as you can tell from this blog, this method’s gotten me to great places emotionally. 
2. Get into a relationship. I thought this was an interesting option, the justification behind it was that I find someone who I can be comfortable around because they accept me for who I am, plus he becomes a valuable support in coming out. Only problem is I’m too truthful and a little too predictable/ritualistic. I don’t like the idea of lying or telling my friends and family to “mind their own business” in order to go see any potential boyfriend, because they’ll know something’s up. It’s easier for them just to know. So it’s really just down to my last option: 
3. Come out to friends and family...which is what I’ve been struggling to do all along.  Part of the reason I’ve been struggling is because I’ve been making it such a big deal in my head. Liz suggested to just slip it into conversation, which at first seemed like no easy feat. I mean, I’ve lied, faked, gone to counselling and written an anonymous blog over this secret, how am I supposed to not make it a big deal? And then Liz told me how one morning she was making breakfast with her brother, and when she asked who he was out with the night before, he replied “my boyfriend”.

“It’s as easy as that, Matt. You don’t have to make a huge, dramatic speech. People feel as if they have to react to that. Just make it as if it’s a new fact they’re learning about you, and I guarantee it won’t be nearly as big a deal as you think it is.”  

I know she’s right, nobody’s really going to be disappointed or scared or upset. Now it’s just a matter of sucking up my fears and going for it. And I may just have to try what she suggested, because really, what do I have to lose doing it that way? 

So then I had to decide who I wanted to tell next. At first it was still going to be Brian, but I started to voice my concerns over telling him: since he became an apprentice, he’s developed this “tradesman attitude” which includes a lot of homophobic remarks. He’s my best buddy and I’d love to tell him, but he makes it so difficult sometimes when he says things like “What are you, a homo?”. So then I considered my sister as a backup, and I’m really not sure why I didn’t sooner. I have a lot less to lose: she’s my sister, and she’ll always accept me as her brother, unlike Brian who could *potentially* (but highly unlikely) drop me as a friend. She’s also pretty open-minded and liberal, a bit of an activist for gender equality and gay rights. I feel really silly now writing everything out that I didn’t consider going to her first before, but I still haven’t told anyone yet, so there’s still time to make right on that. Hopefully sometime this week maybe...?  =)

-Matt

A True "New Beginning"

A week ago today I woke up thinking “what the hell did I do last night??” And now, one week later, I’m sitting here thinking the exact same thing about the last seven days. I’m completely drained, both physically and mentally, plus I’m starting to realize I still have plenty of issues to address: Lindsay, wondering if my parents and sister have noticed my strange behaviour this week, completely unsure of where my emotions are going next, wondering if I’ll ever figure my sexuality out, amongst other things.

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I swear I’ve talked more in the last seven days than I have my entire lifetime. I’ve told secrets and feelings that I’ve never told anyone, and to hear what I’m thinking isn’t crazy, or just hearing that my negative thoughts are normal and will slowly disappear as I confront my issues has made me more confident, less stressed and less paranoid. 

Like today, I met up with my best buddy Brian to do some shopping. I’ve always been really paranoid every time we went out just the two of us, wondering if we look like a “couple” and not wanting to pry into his personal life, just in case he did the same to me and my secret slipped out. But today, I asked him every question I thought of, made tons of jokes, said just about anything and everything, and yet he didn’t look at me weird or act all awkward like he knew my secret. And that’s what I need right now, to talk and get confirmation that the crazy assumptions I’m making about what others are thinking aren’t true. It’s even better because lately I feel as if we haven’t been close and haven’t talked to each other a whole ton, but today both of us didn’t shut up for a minute, we talked the entire three and a half hours we hung out. And that’s great, because I really want to have a great relationship with Brian, we have so much history as friends and I always thought he’d be one of first to know my secret, so at the very least, he’ll probably be the next to know.

I started to worry this week that I would never be able to talk/blog about any positive experiences at any sort of length, and that every post and conversation was going to be just a complete bitch-fest about how awful my problems are and how terrible they make me feel inside. But here I am, an entire blog post in, and it’s all about how great my day’s been so far. And although I still have a lot of work to do, that gives me a lot of hope for myself in the future.  

And a special thank you to everyone who has supported me and this blog. I can’t begin to describe how hearing your words of encouragement, stories and personal experiences have given me the strength and reassurance, much like talking to my friends and family has this week. I’d love to pay it forward by talking/listening/helping my fellow bloggers, so don’t be afraid to drop me an email (tangerine995@gmail.com) or add me on google. I'm here for you guys just as much as you are for me.

-Matt

She Gets It (Part 2)

I felt great about coming out last night, but after today, I’m a little more melancholy with the whole situation. When I picked Lindsay up this morning, you could sense a little awkwardness in the air. We acted like nothing happened, made small talk and I dropped her off at school.

It was still like this when I picked her up again later in the afternoon. It wasn’t till I parked the car and we tried to discuss things again that the mood changed. It was different from last night, Lindsay seemed a lot more annoyed and angry at me as we discussed why I had dropped that bombshell on her last night. Neither of us knew how to feel, or what to say. She wanted to comfort me, but didn’t know how, she didn’t understand how I felt and blamed herself for contributing to me having to lie to her. I couldn’t even begin to tell her how I felt either... I didn’t even know, and I told her that I’ve gotten too good at lying and suppressing my emotions, so how could I tell her what I was feeling?

The Biggest Can of Worms (Part 1)

Every out-gay guy has one...a coming out story. I wrote mine over two posts, this post (Part 1), tells what happened last night (Sept. 24th) and Part 2 tells today’s (Sept. 25th) follow-up.

Honestly, the days leading up to last night, the 24th of September, were just absolute hell. I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where thoughts of suicide were ever stronger. Here’s a list of problems (which I owe to myself to delve into deeper later) that compounded into a depression that made me feel alone, angry, sad and everything in between:

- Lack of communication between The Guys
- Lack of communication between my dad
- General lack of communication (seeing a trend here...)
- My educational and career future
- Kenny’s moving away
- Ill grandparents
- And of course, the big secret.

I just couldn’t stand it anymore, so I called the only person I thought I ask to go for coffee and get some of the burden off my chest. Lindsay was pretty busy with other things, but I was pretty pushy and desperate, so she accepted anyway. We started talking about the usual stuff, school, and then work. That lead to me venting my feelings about what’s going on with my job and me returning to school, and Lindsay quickly picked up that there was a reason why I was so pushy and insistent about going for coffee. So she listened, comforted me and offered advice as I vented about each of the problems above (except for the big one of course), referring to each as “a can of worms”.