Strike-out

So, things with Shane didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped. The dessert plans with him, Cara and Nate sort of fizzled after Cara had homework to do and I ended up leaving my office downtown late that night. But since we were all leaving after work the next day to drive up north to visit Sara who had just moved for school, I had to drop by Nate's and leave my luggage for him to bring the next day. As I got to Nate's and rung the bell, Shane was there putting on his shoes to leave. Like before, he was pretty friendly and carefree upon meeting him again. He also seemed genuinely impressed that I would text my mom during the trip to let her know how I was doing when Nate's mom harassed Nate to do the same. And you know what? I like that he can appreciate that :)  And like that, he left. At least he remembered my name...?

As if those plans falling through wasn't bad enough, Shane also bailed on our night out too (which oddly enough, was actually his idea to begin with). Not too choked about that one, since we had a good time anyway. Highlight of the night was when all us (straight-except-for-me) guys were dancing together and even grinding up on each other, despite girlfriends being in tow (and even at their encouragement...!). While I'm glad (and amused) that my buddies are secure enough in their sexuality to do it, honestly, what is it with straight guys and homoeroticism...?! 

Anyway, my most recent attempt to get Shane out to do stuff happened last week in preparation for a little Halloween get together I had planned for the weekend. Pumpkin-carving, scary movies, the usual fun stuff. But when I was making the plans with Nate last week, my old bad habits popped up. I too-subtly tried to imply that I wanted Shane there by mentioning who I was going to be inviting, and if there was anyone he wanted to invite. Of course Nate said no, and I spent the next few hours kicking myself for not flat out asking and like before, worrying what that would convey to Nate. But then I got over it; I had already made my intentions pretty clear on the Seattle trip, so what difference would it make if I just straight-up told Nate to invite Shane? And so I text him, saying "Dude, I think you need to invite Shane. He owes us an appearance after he bailed on us last week. :P " And sure enough, Nate promised to ask. Unfortunately it didn't pan out, and I partially expected it to considering last weekend really was the Halloween party weekend, but I'm still glad I managed to get over myself and at least ask. 

That's not to say it's not frustrating and discouraging, but I really don't want to give up on a pretty cool guy that I have mutual friends with. That being said, I'm definitely resigned to the fact that this might not work out and to not put too much focus on it and start exploring other avenues. Derek, my one and only gay friend, found out I'm gay after he ran into me at our campus' LGBT a couple times. I might just have to try the online dating thing now because he was one of the barriers (aside from the online dating stigma) of me putting myself out there since I knew he had profiles on a couple different sites. And now wouldn't that just be the most awkward way of a friend finding out you're gay?

Speaking of the LGBT centre, I'm an official office volunteer there now, which is a far cry from a few months ago where I was nervous to even go in. This means I keep the lounge open and help to make sure everyone is feeling comfortable and making sure conversation is respecting people of all genders, sexualities and identities. I'm also responsible for greeting new visitors and orienting them with the space. So far, this role has been really awesome; I've gotten to meet and talk with a lot of cool and different people, and just experience what a laid back, relaxing place the centre is. There's also a lot of books and magazines that touch on all sorts of LGBT issues to keep me occupied during my time there. And while it hasn't happened yet, I'm kind of excited at the idea that I could be the first contact for someone that might need support or help coming out, since that's now something I can relate to and have some insight and experience at that now.

And while things with Shane may not have worked out, I recently accepted a position in government that I'll be starting in the coming months, so some things are still working out in my favour. I don't really want to say too much about it, but I will say I'm happy since it's actually related to my degree and satisfies my aspirations to be working in a position that helps people. It's a bit of a relief too, because it makes me feel like I'm at a place where I'm nearly done my degree and have decent career prospects, so I can focus on doing me a bit more and play more volleyball, hang out with friends, drive my car and try and meet cute guys :)

Anyhoo, that's all for now guys. Stay safe and be yourselves!

-Matt

The Doors are Open...

One part boy updates, one part happy reflection: this post is a totally random update.

There wasn't much to be said about the Shane situation...until today. Apparently Nate and Cara had gone to visit him yesterday and they invited me along to a few of the plans they made with him, the first being a coffee and dessert night this week at his place. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm glad I get another chance to try and get a feel for the guy somewhere that isn't a club. And speaking of clubs, the other plan was to head out to a gay bar again, crash at my place and then breakfast the next morning...definitely looking forward to that too. I guess I didn't give Nate enough credit...maybe he did get the clue after all. 

My sister Diana moved out of the suburbs and into the city recently, and like a good big brother, I'm her chauffeur back to her place after she comes back home to visit every weekend. The 45 minute drive back gives us some time to bond, and the during the last few times during the drive, she's mentioned a co-worker of hers that she wanted me to come hang out with. He's a casting director, pretty clean cut, funny, sweet, pretty flamboyant, and likes masculine guys but is afraid of hitting on them in case they happen to be straight. Although it seems like he ticks off a few of my boxes, he doesn't exactly sound like my type, but I'm going to chalk that up to my sister poor and vague description. And besides, I guess you never know until you meet them in person. In addition to Nate and Cara, it's nice to know that my friends and family have got my back, and I think it's really sweet what they're doing for me.

And now that I'm actually back on campus on a fairly regular basis, I've been trying to stop by our LGBTQ centre as much as I can between classes. When I was in there a few days ago, I noticed that there were sign-ups for office volunteers and space monitors, and since this has been one of those things I've wanted to do for a while, I put my name down. And that's when I noticed cute guy's name on the volunteer orientation sign-up...isn't that lucky?

In other news, last Monday would have marked the one year anniversary since I first came out to Lindsay. I'll say it again: it's really remarkable that I've made it this far. A year ago, I never would have thought I could dedicate the majority of a post listing off the guys I'm tempted to chase after. Coming out is slowly becoming a non-issue for me, I've learned where to time it right, slip it in under the appropriate topics or make a simple correction (Three simple words: "Boyfriend, you mean?") and just shrug it off. It's a good feeling not having to stress over it. I really should have done this sooner =P .

And since I'm reflecting on the past, I've realized that it's been over 6 months since I last went to counseling. I just found I wasn't really getting much out of it anymore. I noticed that I was just talking about the same old obstacles and thinking myself into inaction, and the last few times I kept coming to the same conclusion that I just needed to suck up my pride, do something and deal with the (if any) consequences later. And between going to things like the rock-climbing, coming out to more people, playing volleyball, going to Pride, learning not take life so seriously and visiting the LGBT centre, I think I've done that and it's paid off. I feel a lot more comfortable with myself and more confident, and like I've got control and direction of where things are going as opposed to feeling helpless and confused. And so I really haven't had a reason to go back. I do wish I could have thanked Liz for helping come to the conclusions that I did, because I don't know if I could have ever realized what my issues were and how to deal with them without her guidance.

So in conclusion? Life's good now that I've learned to chill out and have some fun.

Be yourselves guys.

-Matt

Gaymers

It was vacation time this past weekend, and myself, Nate, the Twins and Brian had planned for a weekend full of debauchery, nerdiness and fun at PAX 2012 in Seattle. For those not in the know, PAX is a 3 day video gaming convention complete with discussion panels, lots of free swag, huge exhibits of the latest and greatest new games, and massive rooms of TVs and every video game console you can imagine.

Anyhoo, on our way down, we stopped at the outlet mall to do some shopping. At the end of the trip, Nate and I walked back to the car while the others stopped at one last store. While we were waiting for them, Nate opened up about some conflicts he was having about his family. Once he was finished, I figured it was a better time than any to ask him about Shane. I asked him to do me a favour and bring Shane around more often, and I explained how impressed I was with his handling of the guy at the club and his demeanor once were outside of the club in the car. Nate seemed pretty receptive and he went on to gush about what a level head Shane has, how he's a lot of fun without being too wild and just how much of a great guy he is. Like he really needed to sell me on him more, but whatever. I told Nate that it would be great to have Shane around to get to know him a bit better. Honestly though, just by the way he talked, I'm not sure if Nate really got the clue that I was interested in Shane and I wasn't exactly being subtle either. Hints like this, subtle and not-so-subtle, tend to go over Nate's head, but as long as he brings Shane along to a few more get-togethers, I can try and make a move on the guy.

Back to PAX for a second, one of my favourite parts of the convention (besides being around my friends, playing the new Tomb Raider demo and picking up free stuff) was one of the panels I attended that talked about Gaymers (they're exactly who you think they are) and the history of Gayming. It was a really good mix of sass, gamer/dorkiness, advocacy and boy-talk. One of the more interesting points that was brought up was combatting homophobia while online. Anyone whose played a first-person shooter (*ahem* CALL OF DUTY *ahem*) knows how liberally the word "faggot" and other homophobic slurs are thrown around amongst players. It's a bit of a tricky issue to tackle as well, given that you're around these people for a few minutes until the rounds are done, and poof...they're gone. It's sort of hard to do advocacy under those kind of conditions, and even if you try like a couple of the panelists mentioned, you may incite the wraith of the homophobes. But just like greater society, banding together, having a presence online and having the support of others is crucial to changing that, and that's where Gaymers come in. There's a pretty big community out there (so much so there's a convention specifically for them), which is awesome and I totally need explore more.

On a less serious note, the topic of hottest video game characters also got brought up, and it was a toss-up between Nathan Drake from the Uncharted series and mature Max Payne from Max Payne 3. I'll let you decide:

Shane

Last weekend I decided to let loose and have a little fun, so I went to a gay bar with a group of my friends for the first time ever. I had a ton of fun, even thought the experience wasn't anything too notable, it was pretty much like any other club, except it was a little more laid-back and less pretentious (than some of the straight clubs I've been to anyway). The guys there were alright, no-one really notable either...except maybe for one...

Nate's cousin Shane didn't really stand out to me at first, other than the fact that he's a total hottie and he seemed like a lot of fun on the dance floor. It wasn't till the end of the night that he really caught my attention. In the car on the way home, he was really friendly, chatting all of us up trying to get to know each and every person. He was also just genuinely sweet and cheerful, never sarcastic or condescending, which is a major plus in my book. But there was one incident in particular that caught my interest. Earlier in the night, the two of us and a couple others were dancing up on one of the dance podiums when some guy motioned Shane off the platform and towards this cute strawberry-blond in the middle of the dance floor. I was a little disappointed as he hopped off the podium to go chat the guy up; though to my surprise, Shane returned to the podium within a whole minute of this guy's buddy pulling him off the stage. As we were walking back to the car, a few of us were giving him a hard time about what had happened. Shane explained that the dude had said he was totally into him, only they would have to keep it on the down-low since he had another boyfriend. Shane's response to the guy? You should stay faithful to your boyfriend. I was impressed, since while I'm not against hookups (I find there's a lot of hot guys out there and totally want to hook-up with a few of them), I'm sort of a hopeless romantic in that I find the idea of being in love with one person and having each other all to ourselves equally (if not more) hot. So to find someone that feels the same way and has that sort of character, especially in the gay community, is a real turn-on for me.

I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but this week I've been kicking myself for not making some sort of move on Shane. I'd love to use the excuse that I was tired from working all day and that I wasn't feeling all that sociable that night, but it's just a lie, another excuse. I was shy and I didn't open up and do myself justice that night. I cared way too much about Shane being Nate's cousin, and what that would have meant for our relationship or theirs had I made a move or what could go wrong if we got together. I thought maybe I wasn't his type or outgoing enough to be with him. I even caught myself thinking I wasn't good enough for him.

But I'm not writing this post from a pool of self-pity. I've come to realize that I can't just turn down every friend or family member of a mutual acquaintance that I'm interested in just because I'm afraid of messing up some sort of social dynamic...otherwise I'm never going to meet anyone that way. And I don't know for sure if I'm Shane's type, or if we'll have anything in common or not, but I won't know if I don't try. I'm tired of waiting around for a guy to come to me or cutting myself off before I even try to make a move. And now that there's a sweet, personable, cute and admirable guy at easy access, I'm not going to let my worries get in the way of things. So fuck it, I'm going to let Nate know that I'm interested in Shane and ask him to invite him along to a few more get togethers so I can actually loosen up, be myself and get a better feel for this guy. I'm giving myself no later than the end of the Labour Day long weekend when I'll be road tripping down to Seattle with Nate, no exceptions.

We'll see where this goes from here. Wish me luck.

Where Are All the Dudes??

Hey Guys,

First off, thanks for all the advice regarding the Lindsay situation. It means a lot to hear such thoughtful responses from you all of you, so thanks again. I ended up following your guys' advice and have kept my mouth shut on the whole issue, and instead just focused on enjoying our time together as friends until Lindsay left on Tuesday. It was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be; it was still hard to come to terms with not having her around so readily available to hang out with, but I didn't really feel any sort of need to profess my feelings to her after I wrote that post. And now that she's away and we've been in communication every day since she's left, I don't have lingering thoughts of whether we'll ever talk again and how things are going to be...they're all happening now and it's going pretty good. We're going to try and Skype each other sometime this week and completely fill each other in on what's going on in our lives.

Advice Needed

I’m looking for some advice guys, as I’m sort of at a loss of what to do. Lindsay’s just graduated university, and she’s going to be moving back home overseas in July for an indefinite amount of time to be with her parents. I had a feeling for a few years now that this was coming, and it’s going to be hard to deal with, not being able to just go out and grab a coffee and talking the night away.

Now that her moving away is real, I’ve had to address some unresolved issues I have with her. There are still some unanswered questions about the night I came out to her, particularly why she was crying when I told her. I still think it might have to do with her letter...which, eight months later, we still haven’t talked about. I’m ready to talk about it now and I feel as if I need some closure.

The truth is, I really would have dated her if I had been physically attracted to her, hell, I even considered dating her even without the physical attraction. Looking back on it, I'm glad I didn't because it probably wouldn't have ended well and we would have never gotten to where we are today. In a way, I think she’s probably part of the reason why I was so confused for so long. It’s hard to explain without you guys knowing us, or giving a ton of personal examples, but we just click. We open up to each other and trust each other with everything, we have our inside jokes, we can recognize each other’s needs and have our routines together, and we understand each other. I know what I want out of a relationship thanks to Lindsay, and now it’s just a matter of finding that in a guy I’m attracted to.

I’d love to tell her all of this, but I don’t want to risk our relationship. What do I really have to gain out of telling her all this? We have a great friendship, and I know now that I’m not attracted to her, it's not going to go any further than that (pretty sure, anyway). I also know she already has her share of boy problems and moving related things to worry about, and I don’t want to torture her with this. Her being halfway across the world is probably going to test our relationship enough, and I don’t want to test it anymore and leave things where we get hurt or angry at each other.

I’m writing this post in the hopes that expressing this will be enough to let things go and be able to keep our friendship going business as usual, but I'm not sure. I really thought this part was behind me, that I had gotten through everything with her and our future as friends was going to be perfect. But I just have this annoying itch to let her know how I feel and desire to know what she was feeling that night. So, do I open up to her and let her know how I felt, or do I keep this to myself (and probably my closest buddies) and keep going about our friendship as we have the last few months?

Awkward Giraffe

I’ve been at this blogging for just over a year now, and 47 posts later, I’m happy to say things are a lot better than they were a year ago, and even now things are better than they were six or even three months ago. Coming out has been a huge part of that, since it’s sort of made me realize that most people aren’t nearly as judgmental or non-receptive as I thought they would be. And that doesn’t just go for my sexuality either, it spans to my interests, my personality, who I am really. It just makes it a hell of a lot easier to open up and trust people knowing that they're not as much of a dick you thought they'd be, and most tend to reciprocate that. That being said, I still have my moments of self-doubt and bouts of downward spiraling over thinking. It tends to start with some sort of trigger where the day just isn’t going my way, and then things just seem to snowball where I start to over think and make the little stressors along the day seem that much bigger...and then my day(s) just go to shit from there. Thankfully, it’s been happening less frequently and I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at controlling it. 

It’s a little funny that Kevin happened to ask about the guy from the LGBT centre and what I’d do if I randomly saw him on the street in his comment on my last post, because that’s what totally happened a few weeks ago. Now, if only that had been a week where I wasn’t stressed out and over thinking everything, I might have had my mind in the right place and not been an awkward giraffe (giraffes are awkward animals, right?). Anyway, I had just stepped on the Skytrain, being all cool with my sunglasses on, headphones in, when I noticed him sitting amongst a full row of people...with another guy. Ugh. Now, I don't know for sure if the guy was THAT sort of friend or not, but it definitely threw me off my game since my thought at the time was that I wasn't about to go and try to chat up some dude in front of his (possible) boyfriend. Secondly, and I don't know why I was thinking it, but I didn't want to come across as desperate by whipping off my sunglasses and music to talk to this guy either. Looking back on it now, I know I would have been pretty impressed if a guy took the actually made the effort to turn off his music and took off his sunglasses to look me in the eye and make conversation, so I’m not sure why I thought better of it. And as if I wasn’t being awkward enough, as people slowly started to get off the train, my brilliant ass decided to take a seat right in front of him, hoping equal parts that he would and wouldn't notice me. He didn't, as far as I know, since he got off the train without as much a look, which is why I am still kicking my ass for not saying hello.

So, yes, getting better at controlling the over thinking, but it’s definitely not gone and I still have my moments (although I wish they would come at more opportune times). This certainly wasn’t one of my finer moments, so I’m just let this go, take a mulligan on it and let it be a rather embarrassing motivator to chill out and actually say hi next time.

PS. Am I the only one who would fight Miley Cyrus to the death to be engaged to Liam Hemsworth? I bet I could take her on.