What Doesn't Kill Me...

Hey. Long time, no see :-) Let's dive straight into it.

Adam has been a bright spot lately. After a bit of a stretch of not hearing from him, I ran into him leaving work one day a couple of weeks ago. He immediately apologized for not getting a hold of me (sweet, but I felt guilty considering I hadn't made much of an effort either) and offered to go watch a movie during the weekend. We had a great time, but even better was the conversations we had after the movie. We both seem to have the same apprehensions about being tied down by a job, since we have so many places in the world to see and things to do, neither of us feel particularly close to the gay community and wish we both had more gay friends. It was interesting when we came to chat about our love lives (or lack thereof)...poor Adam seems to be resigned to the fact that, at 30, he'll be single forever and says he isn't actively looking for anything. So, instead, he got to live vicariously through me, as I went down the list of guys I had on the go. After that day, I didn't really have the feeling Adam was actively chasing me, he legitimately was looking for another gay friend that he could connect and find something in common with. And honestly, that's what I also felt towards Adam; I felt I could trust him as a friend...he offered me advise and empathy in terms of my job/education, family, friends. And when it came to dating, it didn't seem as if he was asking to pry or scope out the competition, he legitimately wanted to know (if maybe a little in that gossipy, stereotypical gay guy kind of way). Although, since then, we've gone out for a couple more lunches, movies, even biked the Seawall in Stanley Park together, and it's felt a little more date-like. He's paid (to my dismay) for meals and other things, and it's always just us hanging out one-on-one. I'd like to invite him out to something with some of my friends, so they (I've asked Britney WHO IS PROBABLY READING THIS in particular already) can offer a second opinion on what's going on between us. I'm hoping I'm just making too much of this in my head, because he seems like a really approachable and trustworthy guy, but I'd really just want friendship from him and nothing more.

As for Alex, I lost touch with him a couple weeks ago. Prior to that, we hung out when he was back in town, and the mood was a little odd. I guess the infatuation of our first two dates wore off, because one, he was still making the occasional pass at me which I wasn't really okay with, and two, we seemed to run out of conversation topics pretty quickly. I talked to Britney about and she seemed to say that maybe we aren't a good match after all. Aside from our families and talking about work, we really didn't have much to talk about. That's all fine and dandy (my family is pretty damn important to me and I like my job), but we needed more in common than that...I'm just looking for something more. Alex is supposed to be returning to Vancouver a bunch more times this summer, but I'm not holding onto any idea that I might see him again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. If I'm perfectly honest, Alex showed me that I sort of like the chase in dating (at least to an extent). I kind of enjoyed being centre of attention and being waited on hand and foot; having the door held open for me, being offered a coat if I was cold walking around outside at night, having a hot coffee brought to me. Nice guy, but I don't things will work out.

I also had a couple of hangouts with the 21 year old I met off of OKCupid. He doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so I'll call him Chris. Not too much to say here, I enjoy Chris' company, although he's a bit quiet and still seems a bit nervous around me. He mentioned on that first date he was still in the closet to a bunch of people, which I imagine has a lot to do with it. He seems to be pretty eager to go out hang out with me though, which is cool. I can always use a few more good friends around.  

And the last word on Shane. I let things go after my last post, and didn't dwell on why Shane left things like he did. I had a brief little moment a couple weeks back when I got a text from Nate telling me not to be disappointed, but Shane had been accepted into a school elsewhere in the country and would be moving soon. I ended up explaining that Shane had accepted my invite for coffee and then ignored me when I tried to follow up and make arrangements, and perhaps a little upset by the lack of empathy shown by Nate about the situation, I asked him if he had known Shane wasn't into me and purposely kept this from me. He assured me he hadn't, which both sucked and was a relief, since at least his efforts to set us up were sincere, but left so many unanswered questions about the invite to Shane's birthday and the texts saying he liked me. I've got closure now, knowing that Shane's out of the province and that Nate knows what happened and that he wasn't holding out on me, so everything's done and over with.

Anyway, onto what I really wanted to write about tonight. I've been MIA for over a month now and it's because my mental health was less than stellar for a while. Not to say it's perfect now, but at least I've had the motivation/inspiration to write. It started shortly after the whole Shane situation blew over; again, not a world devastating event in any stretch of the mind, but I had my dear confidant Britney leave the country, had to make some important decisions about returning to school (which I am) and other fears abou work. Despite the interactions with Adam, Alex, Chris and everyone around me, everything seemed to compound, and I just started to shut the world out and withdrawal from everything and everyone. I felt empty inside, not really motivated to do much, although I did manage to function (just.). I just went to work, came home, ate, spent a few hours on Youtube or reading, and started the whole process again. That's when the overthinking and being over-critical of myself started to come in. I started to come back in touch with emotions and began to deal with the overwhelming amount of things I had to do at work, my disappointing social life over the past few weeks and trying to motivate myself to participate in the world again. And it all blew up when I attended a suicide prevention workshop to prepare me for a volunteer position at a local LGBT centre I'm planning to take (yes, I'm following through on a goal!). I guess it just drew out my own insecurities and fears about my own mental health and life in general, and that caused a couple of anxiety attacks. I don't know if it's just my natural shy and introverted character, or if it's from being in the closet for so long or something, but I've gotten so good at ignoring and suppressing my feelings, I really only talk about them until it gets really bad (unless it's with Britney or sometimes my mom). I think part of it is because I feel that my problems are so "first-world", I've been blessed with a lot of great things in my life, and there are so many worse things that I could be stressing about, so I figure I should be able to manage these things on my own. I definitely feel better talking about things, but I also feel as if I should have some of my own coping mechanisms that don't involve other people. Painting, yoga, running, something I'm passionate about, and I can't say I really do. It's something that bothers me a little when I'm around people, especially groups of new people. I feel as if I have nothing to talk about, nothing to get excited about. Anyway, I'm still a work in progress, but I've weathered those sort of storms before. Hopefully this will be a short bout of whatever is dragging me down.

Airing my Grievances

Let this post be a bit of a catharsis and the beginning of something new. I'll get straight to the point: Shane's not interested.

The writing was on the wall from his second reply back. After his original message saying he'd be interested in coffee, I had messaged him back on Tuesday, asking him if he had plans for Sunday afternoon. And he replied back pretty promptly, saying that he didn't have his work schedule for the next week, but he'd keep me posted and asked for my schedule that next week. Okay, I had thought, there's a lot of time between now and Sunday, and he couldn't offer another time after I was done work during the week or on the Friday or Saturday...? But I let it slide despite what my gut was telling me, and I told him I had time after work to meet him downtown or later back in the 'burbs, and that weekend was open as well in hopes that maybe he'd take another time. Fast forward to this past Tuesday (a week later), and he still hasn't replied back, despite his quick replies the last few times. I'm really losing hope now, but I couldn't really leave it where it was, so I sent him one last message asking him if he was still interested in that coffee. Still no reply.

I'm no doubt disappointed, but I'm proud that I actually sucked up my pride and did something outside of my comfort zone. If there's nothing else I can take away from this experience, at least it's that. In some ways, I'm glad he didn't flat-out reject me and give me something to dwell on (I haven't had a particularly good week in the self-confidence department, so I'm a little relieved). I thought about why he would lead me on like that, since he didn't really seem like the type to do that; I could've sworn he was a little more mature and assertive enough to at least give me a "Sorry, I'm not really interested", but I guess I was mistaken. I mean, c'mon, it's the internet...! He didn't even have to say it to my face! I kind of wonder why he also didn't at least give me a shot. It wasn't like I asked him to marry me, all I asked for was a coffee. He could've friend-zoned me and I would have been okay with it (eventually), but I didn't even get a chance at that. It also made me wonder about those messages and things from Nate and Cara, were they just over-exaggerating his interest and maybe THEY were the ones that led me on? Or maybe Nate's lack of attempts to set us up was just a sly way of helping me avoid rejection. I don't particularly want to know. I also have to wonder now if/how I should deal with this between Nate and I. I may just very well leave it until it happens to come up in conversation, and though I'm not particularly happy with this situation, I would never want things to be awkward between Nate and Shane, so I'd rather not bring it up and "air my grievances" to him...

If in the off chance I did end up seeing Shane somewhere, what would I say to him? Part of me wants to be a bit of a petty bitch and tell him that that was a dick move and that he needs to grow a pair if he really wants a boyfriend. In reality though, I would probably be polite about it and tell him that I would have appreciated his honesty in telling me that he wasn't interested and that I'm a big boy, I can handle the rejection, or at least heal after it. Sure, part of me would have loved for things to work out between the two of us, but I would have never wanted to be with a guy that couldn't be honest and express his true feelings with me. 

Anyway, that's that. I did the best I could and put myself out there, and I have no regrets doing it. I did all I could with Shane, and even though it didn't work out, at least I can say I tried. I'm ready to stop wondering about whether this guy likes me or not, and trying to set us up and hint to Nate. It's all over now and I'm ready to move on and put this behind me. Whether it's onto the next guy, or to take a break from dating (which I'm considering, it's been a decent run the last couple of months!) and going back to just making plain old friends, I'm good. I feel better having these feelings and thoughts out of my head, and if this post was a piece of paper, I'd be tearing it into shreds or lighting it on fire, because that's the last I'm ever going to write about Shane. Tomorrow's a new day, we'll see what it has in store for me...

The Shane Saga

Ugh, you would not believe what a long time coming this post has been. Pretty sure it's been sitting as a draft in one form or another for at least 4 months. For the last few months, I would get a little glimmer of hope that Shane and I will get a chance to meet and/or hang out, and keep adding to this post, only to have things fall apart. The problem, I realize now, is that I never took control of the situation and let my crazy, irrational fears get the better of me. But that's the case no more. First though, let me start back at the beginning:

Shane is Nate's cousin, who Nate had mentioned in passing a few times before. Even before I was out to him though, it was established that Shane was gay. Even after I was out to him and his girlfriend Cara, his name would only pop in to conversation every so often (including that one time Cara suggested I be his FB...). It wasn't until I actually got to meet the guy in person back at the end of last summer that I really started to develop a bit of a crush on him. We've met once, at a (gay) club, where he impressed me with his cheerful personality, friendliness and talkativeness, and by turning down a hookup from a dude there alone without his boyfriend. That's where the saga begins: I never really got a chance to see him after that. On our way down to PAX in Seattle last year, I made it clear to Nate that I thought Shane was a good guy and that he should bring him to more things because I wanted to get to know him better. I wasn't sure if Nate got the hint (things like this sometimes go over his head), but I left it. Fast forward to Thanksgiving long weekend, and Nate and Cara (perhaps coincidentally?) had made plans for the four us to enjoy a nice dessert and coffee shortly after the Seattle trip. That fell apart, and somehow he and Nate managed to meet up, and I ended up running into him at the door as he was leaving and I was arriving to drop off some supplies for the vacation Nate, Cara, myself and others were taking the next day. Shane had also bailed on plans to go clubbing again with us, and he couldn't make a Halloween party that I had maybe too-subtly-suggested to Nate that he should invite Shane to. Then more teasing: I got a text from Cara while she, Nate and Shane had been hanging out, talking about possibly arranging a trip to Vegas for a bunch of our friends, and apparently Shane had said he was kinda into me. Of course, none of that materialized into anything (and I suspected Cara exaggerated a bit).

By now, I was starting to lose a little hope and patience (thus starting this post's journey as an everlasting draft), but then one night, things started to get interesting. One night shortly after I signed up, I hopped on OkCupid, deciding to finally make a move and check out the site a little more closely. So I fooled around with some of the features and other things, including the "Quickmatch" buttton. Maybe because it was a little late and I wasn't thinking straight, but at the time I didn't realize it would randomly pull up anyone's profile. And the first profile it pulled up? Shane's. Of course. Browsing the site before, I had noticed a profile that looked suspiciously like Shane, and this just confirmed it. I was a little horrified at first, since OkCupid tracks who views your profile, so Shane would see that I viewed/creeped his profile, which I found a little more than awkward at the time. After that, I shut down my computer, accepting the fact that I would have to deal with the awkwardness of Shane knowing I saw his profile, and went to bed. I lay there for a bit, slowly falling asleep, until I got an idea: why not make this odd situation an icebreaker? Just log back in, and message Shane saying how awkward and ridiculous this happened. And so I did exactly that...he responded back a little while later, although he kept his reply pretty short. I tried my best to keep a conversation going, but he really wasn't responding to it, keeping his responses pretty succinct...odd for a guy who seemed pretty chatty upon first meeting him. I left it on a note that we could hopefully get things together with Nate and some other friends in the future, which he seemed pretty agreeable to.

So thus came the next round of poking Nate to set us up. By now, Alex had wandered into the picture and I wanted to make SURE Nate understood that I was into Shane so I could get my chance before anything with Alex arose. I was at a Tim Hortons with Nate and Brian when I decided to try once again: I presented the whole Alex situation, and how I wanted to play the field more before and message other guys before I settled on anything, which lead me to tell him about the exchange between Shane and I on OkCupid. I really made it obvious this time: I asked him to bring Shane around AGAIN, told that I'd willing to find out if Shane was a little dramatic in his relationships like Nate suspects and I wanted to give other guys, LIKE SHANE, a try before I went ahead with Alex. I had REALLY hoped Nate got it that time, and he may have since he started texting Shane to say hi right afterwards. Nate even made the comment while he was texting that "he wished it was summer, so we could have a bbq or something, and (he) could just text Shane saying "Hey, we're having a bbq, and you should totally come!". Promising, but I wasn't going to hold my breath.

Of course, more time goes by and things don't come to fruition AGAIN. I really started to lose hope again, and considered calling it quits. And sure enough though, another glimmer of hope: I get a text from Nate, saying Shane "really wants me to come" to the club for his birthday party on the weekend. Great! Let me know when it is and I'll be there. The weekend comes and a few hours before the evening arrives, I text Nate...and nothing. Apparently he fell asleep after playing touch football and didn't get up till the next morning. By now, I'm so exasperated that I don't even care that we missed out; I even start to wonder if Nate is just bullshitting me on some of the events and texts he's sent me over the last few months out of pity or something. I make one last attempt myself at taking a bit of action by inviting Shane to my birthday, hoping that Nate will pass on the message and things will finally work out. Nope. Shane's twisted his ankle and he can't make it.

I went back to counselling last week, and the topic of my dates happened to come up. We talked about my apprehension about dating Alex and his advances, and why I'm uncomfortable and worried about leading him on. Of course, part of this has to do with Shane, I'm still wrapped up on that first meeting and the things I've heard about the guy to commit to Alex just yet. I need to give other guys, including a try first, before I even consider settling down with Alex. We slowly talked about what I had to lose in terms of me making a move on Shane (Just about nothing, it's the internet and I hadn't seen him in person yet, at least if I was going to get rejected, there's no chance of me seeing him in person) and what that meant for me (nothing - I won't embarass myself in front of Nate because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I had told him a million times now...I hope he knows I'm into Shane). I basically ended up my counsellor the entire story you see here, and yet I must've been still been gushing about the guy quite a bit because at one point, when he asked me about why I wasn't making a move on Shane, I answered that "I wasn't quite sure if he was worth it" and he just laughed. Total lie...he's worth it.

Which bring me to the other night. With the work on the topic from counselling still fresh on my mind, and perhaps with a little prod from a fellow blogger (thanks bud =) ), I decided to do it. I sent him a quick message on OkCupid:

Shane!

Sorry I missed your birthday bud! From what Nate's been telling me, it's been a comedy of errors trying to get together.

Now I know it's a long time coming, but would you be interested in meeting up for a coffee or something? You seem like a cool guy and it'd be nice to get to know you somewhere outside of a club. =P

Let me know!

Matt

Felt awkward as all hell writing it, and I couldn't help feeling like I was sounding a little desperate, but I went for it anyway...what did I have to lose? Well, apparently nothing, and everything to gain too. Shane sent me back a message a few hours later after I was asleep apologizing for missing my birthday too (Awwww, what a sweetie =) ) and that it sounded like fun. He said sure! How about that. Plans are in the works =)

Writing this back, I realize how silly this whole saga has been, my friends (minus Nate and Cara) have been saying the same thing all along. I did let my fear get in the way of things, and hoped that things would just fall into place through Nate. I always rationalized as asking him directly would seem as if I was looking for more than friends, which goes against that "friends-first philosophy" I've been touting the last couple of months. But as I realized in counselling, Shane is definitely worth me "making an ass of myself" (says my head) and it paid off this time. All it took was a simple message, and now there's definitely a good chance we'll get the hangout I was after all along. I won't beat myself up for it though, now's the time to take in the rewards of me putting myself out there.

What's Shakin', Bakin'?

Ugh, naming these random update posts is hard. Anyway, important things first, the boys:

Alex and I have slowed our texting back and forth a bit; we're down to about every 3-4 days now. At first it was a little disconcerning since it was quite the drop from texting everyday, but also a bit of a relief because it slowed the pace down to a level that soothed my fears of leading him on too early. He always came through and made first contact, though. It's flattering to know that he's still interested, and admittedly, I am too since I decided to make first contact after one or two of those couple day stretches out of concern. I'd like to think that he's still super interested and someone had just warned him not to be too clingy, but I won't toot my horn too loudly :P The conversations we have still aren't that notable...we just talk about our day/weekend, what we did, what we ate, pretty mundane shit. And I don't mind, I think that's what made/makes my relationships with people like Lindsay and Britney so enjoyable and easy, to just be able to shoot the shit so easily, and that's what I'm looking for in a relationship, so maybe, just maybe...

As for Shane, there's *very* gradual progress, although I'm still keeping my hopes up. I'm planning to dedicate an entire post to it, but these little glimmers of hope keep popping up and I keep delaying the post to see where they go. Sorry. But the bottom line: I think Nate gets it now, but whether he does anything or not to help me remains to be seen.

Meetup guy has been a bit of a bust, and I wasn't even aiming for anything else than friends with him :( After our very first lunch back in January, he texted me that he'd be up for another lunch soon. A week later I got an apologetic text saying he was busy with work with a promise to meet up soon. And then I got another like that the week after, and the week after. And then I got a text saying he was leaving the country on a whim to visit his family...that was two weeks ago. Strange, and I hope he's okay. On the list of things to do: check in with him.

Awkward OkCupid guy actually turned out to be a little bit less frustrating than I thought. I gave him a chance and added him on Skype and while still a little awkward, he seems to mean well and I still get the impression he's trying to figure his life out and just needs someone to talk to.

And Mr. Casting Director Co-worker...really nothing to say about him. I hear my sister's accompanying him to a lot of his fancy work events, but not much else.

In general, life's been pretty good. Still some up's and down's, but I'm generally in a good place. After working 6 days a week for a long time, and having classes and work eating up my time before that, it's been a bit of a struggle to actually fill my time with hobbies and things I actually enjoy. I've been enjoying reading the Bourne series (they're some of my favourite movies, so it only made sense I read the books!), playing volleyball (when it's not injuring my back...), wall-climbing and spending time with friends. Oh, and I washed my car for the first time in a good couple months, so it's back to it's shiny, new glory. I was all ready to do a big detail job like I did last year too, until the cold water froze my hand, the clouds rolled in and the wind blew tree debris all over my car, reminding me it's still the middle of February in Vancouver. Guess it'll have to wait till spring.  

That's all for now, but I've got a couple vlogs in mind that I've been itching to do...it's just a matter of finding a better camera, so stay tuned...

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!

Wow, 2013 already...craaaaazzyyy.

Anyway, the holidays were alright all things considered. I spent Christmas Eve with my mom's family, which is always a laugh and a half. Little disappointing since my cousin and her kids were out of town, which meant there were no actual kids around excited to open gifts and have toys to play with (my sister and I were the last "kids" in the family). Christmas Day was a little different this year, since it's usually spent with my dad's side of the family, but my parents, sister and I had a pretty normal Christmas morning watching movies we had gotten and having a nice breakfast. Later, we went to go keep my grandmother company for a bit, then off to my uncle's for dinner. Because of all the planning for the funeral and missing Christmas together, I ended up spending a lot of time with my dad's side of the family between Christmas and New Years. They're family, and I love them, but that was more than enough time with them, and I'm glad the dust has settled and everything is getting somewhat back to normal.

Shane

Last weekend I decided to let loose and have a little fun, so I went to a gay bar with a group of my friends for the first time ever. I had a ton of fun, even thought the experience wasn't anything too notable, it was pretty much like any other club, except it was a little more laid-back and less pretentious (than some of the straight clubs I've been to anyway). The guys there were alright, no-one really notable either...except maybe for one...

Nate's cousin Shane didn't really stand out to me at first, other than the fact that he's a total hottie and he seemed like a lot of fun on the dance floor. It wasn't till the end of the night that he really caught my attention. In the car on the way home, he was really friendly, chatting all of us up trying to get to know each and every person. He was also just genuinely sweet and cheerful, never sarcastic or condescending, which is a major plus in my book. But there was one incident in particular that caught my interest. Earlier in the night, the two of us and a couple others were dancing up on one of the dance podiums when some guy motioned Shane off the platform and towards this cute strawberry-blond in the middle of the dance floor. I was a little disappointed as he hopped off the podium to go chat the guy up; though to my surprise, Shane returned to the podium within a whole minute of this guy's buddy pulling him off the stage. As we were walking back to the car, a few of us were giving him a hard time about what had happened. Shane explained that the dude had said he was totally into him, only they would have to keep it on the down-low since he had another boyfriend. Shane's response to the guy? You should stay faithful to your boyfriend. I was impressed, since while I'm not against hookups (I find there's a lot of hot guys out there and totally want to hook-up with a few of them), I'm sort of a hopeless romantic in that I find the idea of being in love with one person and having each other all to ourselves equally (if not more) hot. So to find someone that feels the same way and has that sort of character, especially in the gay community, is a real turn-on for me.

I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, but this week I've been kicking myself for not making some sort of move on Shane. I'd love to use the excuse that I was tired from working all day and that I wasn't feeling all that sociable that night, but it's just a lie, another excuse. I was shy and I didn't open up and do myself justice that night. I cared way too much about Shane being Nate's cousin, and what that would have meant for our relationship or theirs had I made a move or what could go wrong if we got together. I thought maybe I wasn't his type or outgoing enough to be with him. I even caught myself thinking I wasn't good enough for him.

But I'm not writing this post from a pool of self-pity. I've come to realize that I can't just turn down every friend or family member of a mutual acquaintance that I'm interested in just because I'm afraid of messing up some sort of social dynamic...otherwise I'm never going to meet anyone that way. And I don't know for sure if I'm Shane's type, or if we'll have anything in common or not, but I won't know if I don't try. I'm tired of waiting around for a guy to come to me or cutting myself off before I even try to make a move. And now that there's a sweet, personable, cute and admirable guy at easy access, I'm not going to let my worries get in the way of things. So fuck it, I'm going to let Nate know that I'm interested in Shane and ask him to invite him along to a few more get togethers so I can actually loosen up, be myself and get a better feel for this guy. I'm giving myself no later than the end of the Labour Day long weekend when I'll be road tripping down to Seattle with Nate, no exceptions.

We'll see where this goes from here. Wish me luck.