Just Living the Semi-Out Life

Hey guys...long time, no post. School kinda took up a lot of time, but it’s over and I ended up doing really well in my classes, blah, blah, blah. Now, on to more interesting topics...

Before classes ended, there was a cute guy I was interested in getting to know coming into the LGBT centre at school. I wish there was more to say about it, but it worked out that I was always only in the centre once a week for an about an hour while he was there. In addition to that, a couple times he was chatting with others in the centre, which made it hard for me to break into the group and to try to get to know him one-on-one. He did try to chat me up once, out of politeness or something else I don’t know, but I was a little too self-conscious and nervous to make any sort of real conversation. And I swear I caught him checking me out a couple of times, but that could be my wishful thinking. I feel like such a teenage girl, way too self-conscious and I’m completely out of my element, not having any idea of how to talk and try to pick up this guy. It sucks too, because he seems like a really friendly, personable guy, but I know neither he or I will be on campus during the summer (even though we run on a tri-semester system), so if I ever have another chance to try and get to know him, it won’t be until at least September. Soooo, if out some freak chance that he reads this, is still interested and figures out who he is: Buddy. You. Me. Coffee. Email me. :)

Call me...maybe?

What's New, Gumshoe?

I like rhyming.

ANYWAY, I haven’t gotten a chance to come out to my sister yet. She’s busy with final exams this week, so she’s been studying hard and is a LITTLE stressed out, so I’ve been holding off until later in the week at least, when things settle down for her. Which is fine with me frankly, it gives me some time to mentally prepare myself and think how I want to do this. Might be sort of trivial, since I might just go with the flow, but I’m one of those guys who likes to have a plan and tries to stick with it. 

I’m also supposed to be going back to counselling next week, but chances are I’m probably going to cancel the appointment. There’s been a few times where I’ve felt a little down and self-conscious, like during the weekend having to listen to my buddies and their girlfriends make plans and double dates. I’m completely jealous and wish I could be having fun with a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I know it’ll happen in time. But anyway, for the most part, I’ve still been (relatively) anxiety-free and happy, so I wouldn’t really have much to talk about in counselling anyway. And besides, each time I’ve gone, I’ve come out of there thinking I need to tell more people, and that hasn’t happened yet. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of doing it, and maybe once I do, I’ll have something to talk about and I’ll need some advice. But until then (probably the new year?), I’ll manage. 

In other news, I’m supposed to hang out with my friend Britney tomorrow. She’s the one I “let go” a couple years back, and we really only hang out a few times a year now, so I’m glad that we’re taking the time to go have dinner together, maybe play some video games and chill together like we used to. Although, I’m getting the impression from her texts that things aren’t exactly going smoothly in her life right now, so I might have to put my issues aside for now and just be a pair of ears for her. I’m hoping I’m wrong and everything is okay, but I’ll see. 

Last thing: I’m super self-conscious about my taste in music. I’ll listen to just about anything, but I’m mostly a top 40’s, pop, electronic type of guy. I probably feel this way because it’s probably the gayest thing about me, so fuck it, here’s a song:

Carly Rae Jepsen’s a local, and this is her latest that’s been playing on the radio a lot recently. She’s got a bunch of “feel-good” songs that I enjoy, it's a great pick-me-up on those low days. Make sure you watch the ENTIRE video (and not just for the hot guy!), I got a bit of a laugh out of it and hopefully you will too.  =)

-Matt  

I let her get away

Lately my mood’s been pretty good, a little up and down, but decent. Despite that, I still made an appointment to go see my counsellor Liz next week. Now that the intake is over, I’m sort of curious and excited to really get down and try to figure out the root causes of all my insecurities and self-confidence issues. I don’t even know where I’m going to start, but as long as some good comes out of it, I’m still pumped. Part of me is still a little wary going into it though; I suppose it’s the fear of the unknown of what she’ll say or recommend, but fuck it, I’m going anyway.

I think I mentioned in passing that part of my anxiety of this whole counselling experience was over a friend of mine from the past. It’ll make sense in a second, but my biggest fear doing this is that I’m going to be diagnosed with depression, or passed onto a specialist for some deep digging into my problems.  Anyway, Britney and I met back in science class back in the 9^th grade. We really hit it off, we both felt really comfortable joking around with each other, we had a lot of common interests, and well...our personalities just clicked. At the highest point in our friendship, we used to talk to each other every day, had little inside jokes with each other, picked out the perfect Christmas gifts for each other and did stupid things like sing at the top of our lungs in the car along with each other. Now, I swear I’m not making this up, but like Lindsay, she had feelings for me that she made apparent a couple times throughout our friendship. And like Lindsay, thinking back on it now, I had (still have?) feelings for her too and I really should have gone for it, but there was a *little* secret, that I disguised in the “I like being friends” excuse that held me back. We eventually got past all that though, and always became best friends again.